Redecorating Woes

A. is using his week off of work to remodel my bathroom. I can't believe how long it's taken him to do this! Yesterday, he started by removing the cottage cheese from the ceiling. I don't know what human ever decided that it was a good idea to put that stuff on the ceiling. For some reason, A. felt the need to blast loud music the entire time he was working. It made me angry and nervous, so I hid in his closet and shed extra hair on his clothing. I would occassionally come out to tell him to keep up the good work and to suggest that he turn the music down a bit. He did not appreciate the encouragement. Later that night, I heard him tell H. that I wouldn't shut up all day! She was not sympathetic. She reminded him about the special water fountain that he promised to make me. Last year, H. had wanted to buy me a water fountain from the pet store that would stay on all the time, but A. insisted that he could make a less expensive one himself. He never did. Maybe after he's done remodeling my bathroom, he'll make me my special fountain. He knows how much I like drinking fresh water out of the faucet--I tell him constantly!

Drinkwhat??

I'm still angry at H. for getting that new kitten, so I ignored her yesterday when she said she had a present for me. She hauled me out of the closet and dragged me to the kitchen to look at my new Drinkwell. I was unimpressed. I ran back to the closet and she shouted some hateful things at me: "Ungrateful little...make you use...blah, blah, blah..." and ended her tantrum by wailing "Why don't you LIKE it??!!" When I thought she wasn't looking, I snuck back and drank a little water from it, but I'm still not too impressed. I ran up and down the hallway this morning, meowing for faucet water like I always do. H. gave me a dirty look before she left for work.

Hiss and Run

Yesterday, when the plumber visited, I hid under the bed (just to keep Hilda company--not because I was scared). We were talking about how much dirtier it was underneath A's side of the bed than H's when a little white cat ran by us, stopping only briefly to hiss at us. "It's that midget that Elvin told us about!" Hilda screamed (right in my ear! Ouch!). "That's no midget," I told her. "I've seen her kind before."

Back when H. lived with that one roommate (that smoked some herb--that was definitely NOT catnip--nonstop), I was forced to live with the roommate's Linus (H. referred to it as "wienerdog" and "pooeater"). This Linus was like no cat that I've ever seen before or since. It had very sort legs, a very long body, and floppy ears. It didn't understand how use the litter box (it went outside and would even go on the floor! Talk about poor manners!) or meow. Its attempts at meowing were constant and high pitched, and it never was able to enunciate properly. It especially hated men in uniforms and the sweaters that H's roommate tried to make it wear. Still, I enjoyed frolicking with it underneath the roommate's bed. Ahh...good times.

But I digress. "I've seen that kind before," I told Hilda. Before I could explain, A. had thrust his arm underneath the bed and was grabbing at Hilda. "Come here, Hetty! If H. finds out you got down here, I'll never hear the end of it!" He finally figured out that Hilda was not this "Hetty" thing, but we had to help him out.

The Mighty Hunter Strikes Again!

Unlike the other cats I live with, I am a real hunter and am not fooled by that silly red laser light that A. & H. like to flash around the house. Tonight, I silently stalked a silver bug. Silence is very important in the hunt. Hilda never stays quiet when stalking bugs, and Elvin lacks the attention span of a true warrior. This new cat shows promise, but she is young.

Just when I was about to move in for the kill, A. stole my bug! Go get your own bug, A.! Earlier, he ate all of H's good chocolate. H. says that he is greedy that way.

Body Art

Yesterday I accompanied my sister, Hilda, to the vet. Hilda's chin cancer turned out to be benign (the humans called it "pimple", I'm not sure why). While I was there, the vet stuck his fingers in my ears. Very unhygienic and rude! Then he flipped me over on my back to admire the figure eight designs that I have carefully created on my stomach. He explained my technique ("excessive grooming") to H. and said that Elvin had been the inspiration for my art. Something about too much stress. It's nice to have my artwork appreciated. So many artists do not receive recognition for their creations.

The Rumors Are True

Okay, I admit it. I do have a thing for plastic bags. I wouldn’t call it an addiction, though, just a deep attachment. My favorites are the bags from the grocery store, but in a pinch, trash bags will do.

This morning, H. yelled at me for waking her up. I was quietly having my way with the trash bag in the container next to her bed when a huge pillow bonked me on the head. That’s the problem with those bags: the noise always gives me away.

Humans just don’t understand the special allure of the bag.

Who Is This Garth Fellow?

My sisters keep calling me Garth. I don’t know why, but they sure are getting a kick out of it.

I finally had it with Miep bullying me. Every evening when she gets hungry, she gets mean. If H. doesn’t feed her early enough, Miep takes it out on me or Hilda. She likes to pounce on our necks and nip us. Tonight, I could tell she was getting ready to pounce and nip. I thought, “I bet this Garth fellow wouldn’t stand for this.” Empowered, I stood on my hind legs and boxed her on the head. I got nervous when I was done, though. Garth was nowhere to be seen—I had no backup! So I ran away. Miep took this as an invitation to chase me.

Garth, help!

Scapegoat

H.'s investigation into Hilda's new scar isn't going well. She is obviously getting desperate: today, she blamed me for Hilda's scar!

After Hilda cleaned my forehead, I lightly smacked her on the cheek to let her know that I'd had enough. I didn't even use my claws. H's eyes bulged out of her face and she yelled, "Garp! Are you the one that maimed poor Hilda?!"

Please.

We all know that Elvin is the only one around here who does that kind of thing.

I'm innocent.

Little Sister

I’m so relieved that my little sister Hilda is okay. I was really worried about her this weekend, and I could tell her mouth was hurting her. I would have been very sad to lose Hilda; she is the only one who doesn’t try to nip me on my hind legs. She also cleans my forehead for me. I really like that in a little sister. Every cat should be lucky enough to have a sister like Hilda.

Intervention

Things are getting very ugly around here. It is becoming apparent that Hetty Miep has addiction issues that are going to have to be addressed.

First she chewed off Elvin and Hilda’s right eyebrow whiskers (I was never foolish enough to get close enough for her to do this to me!).

Now, it’s the catnip.

I received my catspa prize from Catster today. Although I was very eager to try it out, I’ve learned that it’s best to be a gentleman where my siblings are concerned. They have no manners, as was proven when they rudely pushed me out of the way and all rushed over to try out my spa. Hilda was also quickly elbowed out of the way by Elvin and Hetty Miep.

Hetty Miep let Elvin do the dirty work (ie, dig the crushed catnip out of the top of the spa), and then turned on him. She repeatedly batted at his head like it was a basketball (amazing how long it took for him to back off). Then she sprawled all over my spa. Whenever my siblings or I tried to approach it, should would reach out and smack us. Eventually, her attention was diverted to food.

Still, it is obvious that an intervention will need to be staged.