Cat treats are a billion-dollar business — well, maybe not. The point is, have you seen what’s going on with cat treats? People are losing their minds over cat treats. It’s like the golden age of advertising over there in the cat-treat alley off the main drag Madison Avenue, with everybody going crazy trying to sell the stuff. The labels are weird. Have you seen those labels? We review those labels, so you don’t have to.

(We’re not reviewing the ingredients or the taste, mind you. You’ll have to do that yourself. Chew quickly.)

Zuke’s Hip Action

Wow. Hip action. Definitely not the work of the young guns of the ad industry. Actually, I like how they don’t even try to make the pun about Hip Action being “hip,” as in Skrillex. It’s just Hip Action, for your cat’s hips. My Mom invented this, didn’t she?

Whiskas Tantalizing Turkey Temptations

Turn your attention to the cat sleeping in the turkey carcass, his fat body encased by the skeletal ribs, as if the cat had climbed into a dead turkey and nearly eaten his way out before he was done in by tryptophan. This is a wonderful image. I can’t wait to explain this to my children one day. “He gnawed and gnawed and licked the bones till the ribs of the desiccated bird showed white. Sleep tight, my little ones.”

Friskies Party Mix

We’re so excited. We have nothing to wear. Does the party start right when you open the bag? We’re so nervous. Let’s open the bag just a little bit — is that dubstep? Skrillex? This is a good party. This party has those bold, high-quality flavors that cats love, like Wild West Crunch.

Innova Cat Treats

Look at that bad-ass cat. That’s a tough cat. Innova has gone the other way with this one. Look how tiny they made the phrase “cat treats.” This is no treat at all. This stuff makes feel like you’re feeding raw chickens to panthers. Don’t get too close to the cage.

Whiskas Temptations

Of course a cat would love to eat a treat out of something that looks like its head. What is that, brain matter? Eyeballs? GIMMIE.

Halo Healthsome

Healthsome? Cats must be thrilled over Healthsome. “If you eat all your Weight Control, I’ll give you a Healthsome.” OH LUCKY ME.

Bahama Barry Tasty Island Calamari

I like everything about this. I can even picture how it all happened, from Bahama Barry skipping out of work early for happy-hour Blue Hawaiians at the yacht club to the eager graphic designer who catches him just as he’s starting up his split-window ’63 Corvette, asking what kind of art they should use for the new calamari cat treat, sir. Bahama stares past the kid over the rumbling motor, thinking it over, absently toying the brim of his Panama hat, thinking of rum and pineapple juice and Magnum, P.I. He raises one finger. “Milk and cookies,” he says. “And make sure the cat has no back legs.”

And then he’s just gone.

Image Credits: Kitten eating dry cat food by