Update No. 2: Yeah, I know the Royals didn’t ultimately employ my surefire method for winning the World Series outlined below, but that’s only because they didn’t need to, thanks the overall aptitude of the entire New York Mets ball club, especially in later innings. Ha ha.
Hi, I’m Stella the cat. A sportswriter. Do you want to know who will win the World Series? I bet you do.
The Kansas City Royals will win the World Series. They hustle, they throw the ball, they touch the bases. Their ERA and BPA are solid, and their blood pressure is fine. Line drives. Sacrifice fly. Get yer popcorrrrn! All sorts of baseball things are handled by the Royals.
Also, have you seen their mascot?
Claws sharp as knives, teeth sharp as other knives, some sort of athletic uniform on his back, and fur swept up into a crown — a beautiful look. Before I saw this look, my life was — well, great. But still, this look: fur swept up into a crown. How has it not been always thus? What the hell do we pay groomers for, anyway?
Here’s how the Royals are going to win. They’ll put the big cat in. They’ll put Sluggerrr in.
Here’s how I see it playing out. You play Sluggerrr at first. When somebody hits the ball and comes running toward first, he eats them. The benefits are twofold: One, the roster of the other team will slowly shrink, making it more difficult for them to win the ball game. Two, nobody is going to run to first. Death is a strong deterrent in the game of baseball. Players will run to second or third, or out of the stadium. Let them run. It doesn’t matter. The rules of baseball still apply: If baserunners don’t touch first, or die horribly trying, then the opposition can’t put runs on the board, and without runs on the board, the Royals win.
Now, after the first two or three maulings, the game will doubtlessly be halted. A timeout. Officials will consult the rulebook. Here’s the rub: No rulebook in the world is going to say a big cat can’t eat baserunners. Can you imagine? Oh, it says here that a big cat can only eat spelt and kale and not baserunners! Ha ha. No rulebook is going say that. That would be ridiculous.
Then the game will go on, and very soon the number and increased viciousness of the maulings will finally cause the manager of the other team to stop sending his runners to their deaths (I put this number at five maulings; eight if the manager played ball in the ’70s). The manager will realize his game is flawed. He can’t manage around a big cat on first. He will retire on the spot. Game over. Royals win.
Of course, if they’re playing the Blue Jays, they’ll lose. No cat can catch a freakin’ Blue Jay, even a big cat.
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