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And the Next Pope Is … This Cat!

The white smoke has risen! Here are eight fabulous reasons my cat should be the cardinals' choice.

Brian Donovan  |  Mar 13th 2013

Editor’s Note: Brian’s article originally ran on Thought Catalog. We’re rerunning it here with his permission.

Pope Benedict XVI has officially retired from the Vatican and we’ve just heard that the cardinals have voted on who will be his successor. Will the Catholic Church stick with tradition and select an Italian, shock the world and name the first black pope, or be lame and elect an American? All interesting choices.

However, I have a better one: My cat, Cheese. These are my reasons.

1. Isn’t it time the animals had a pope, too?

God created all living creatures, not just man and woman, so why have we humans been hogging the popey goodness all this time? Hardly seems fair. I mean, it’s right there in Genesis 1:21.

And God created great whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

See! Whales and every living creature that moveth! Isn’t it time there was a religious leader for all the others that moveth? Cheese the Cat could rule on all important theological matters for animals, such as, is it unholy for a horse and donkey to lie together? Does the sin of gluttony apply to pigs and dogs who have just discovered an unguarded jar of peanut butter? Also is it the devil that made sharks such jerks? Human popes have shown they’re only concerned with human issues, Cheese can do more. Yes she can!

2. My cat loves a flashy hat

I think when most of us think "Pope" we think one thing and one thing only: funny hats. And the good news is, Cheese loves a wacky headdress. OK, she doesn’t love them as much as tolerates me forcing them upon her, usually when she’s asleep, but we’ll take what we can get.

3. My cat doesn’t have a dodgy past

While Pope Benedict was dogged (Pun intended — BOOM!) by concerns about his past in the Hitler Youth, my cat has shown no prejudices whatsoever. The truth is, she’s terrified of anyone who enters my apartment, so I don’t think race or religion has anything to do with it. Although, I guess that does mean that if Friday night services broke out in my living room, she’d probably go hide under the bed, which isn’t exactly a sign of tolerance.

4. She will not move shady priests to new districts

The only thing my cat can organize is her litter box. Poops in the back, peeps in the front. With shocking precision, as a matter of fact. However, if a criminal priest needed to be transferred discreetly to a different parish, as the Catholic Church is fond of doing, that would be totally beyond Cheese’s skill level. Best case scenario, she could move him out of her food bowl and into her water. And even then, there’d be trails of him all across the kitchen floor.

5. My cat is already infallible

My cat has never made a mistake. Seriously, not once. Even when she pukes on the couch, she’s able to pull off a "I don’t know how that got there. It certainly wasn’t me!" look that would make even the boldest pope blush.

6. Cheese is a progressive, and pro birth control

I mean, she doesn’t even have a uterus. How more pro birth control can you get?

7. My cat is very old

Is it part of papal law that the guy has to be ridiculously elderly, or is that just part of the tradition? Either way, my cat totally fits the bill. She’s 13 in Cat Years, which in Human Years is 68, or in Pope Years translates to Just Right.

8. My cat would never quit

Benedict hitting the road has shocked the world, and led to a lot of suspicious mumbling behind closed doors. But that would never happen with Cheese. She is determined to complete every task she sets her sights on, especially taking naps. But I promise, if we make my cat the pope, she will never be distracted from her work, unless you scratch her behind her ears or open a can of tuna fish three rooms away, or if the scary roofman comes to visit. Other than those times, she’d be all pope, all the time.