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New Year’s Resolutions for Dummies — and Humans

You want to improve yourself? Good. You can be more like me, the most perfect kitty ever.

Mina the Cat  |  Jan 3rd 2013

This week is the week when humans start making New Year’s resolutions. I think this is a great tradition. The idea that you can make yourself better each year is something everyone else should aspire to. I don’t see any need, because it’s impossible to improve on perfection, but most other mammals I know have some serious failings. This could be a great way for them to get to be just a little more like me.

I listened to Mommy and Daddy discussing something they read the other day. Apparently, most cats sleep 16 hours a day. Slackers! I average closer to 20, and, on a really good day, I only wake up long enough to eat and poop. So, I think a lot of cats reading this could resolve to try and get another hour a day of sleep. It requires a certain degree of vigilance. You have to pay attention to when Mommy gets up so you can take over her pillow, or watch for when the guest bed gets made up so you can be the first to cover it in fur. But the reward for that extra hour is pretty important — you can be more like me.

Humans can also take advantage of this opportunity to make themselves better servants and guardians for their feline overlords. For example, Mommy and Daddy have started cooking for Ziggy and me. They make us special food out of meat and yogurt. But, sometimes when Mommy and Daddy feel lazy, we get kibble or canned food. As a New Year’s resolution, Mommy and Daddy could resolve to stop being lazy and giving us kibble. Or, they could resolve to start making more delicious gravy to add to our special food that they do make. Cats love gravy. It’s delicious. Humans, ergo, should provide cats with the gravy that we love. It’s only logical.

Ziggy should also make a few New Year’s resolutions, because, as cats go, he needs some serious work. First, he should stop sniffing his way around the house like a dog. Dogs are dumb, and everything they do is to be avoided. You don’t want Mommy to mistake you for a dog and get rid of you because she’s afraid of dogs, do you? Remember, Ziggy, humans are less intelligent than we are, and you don’t want to confuse them. Their brains are only good for feeding us and cleaning up our poop. You don’t need to add any unnecessary data.

Second, Ziggy, you really need to stop being such a huge spaz. I mean, seriously, you’re in this constant state of panic. You need to relax. We’re inside. Bad things don’t happen to us. Those humans, they’re Mommy and Daddy. They’re our fallow servants who do as we command. I understand the dishwasher is scary, but it’s important because Daddy uses it to clean our food dishes. Even if it does scare you, you can’t let that fear keep disrupting your meals.

I’m sure there are millions of other things you humans do wrong. Like baseball, payroll, or recognizing your place in the world. And that’s okay. Humans are deeply flawed creatures. Your goal shouldn’t be to attempt to be perfect. It should be to strive for perfection — that, and spoil your kitties as much as possible, because they are perfect and have lessons to teach you. Even Daddy, deeply flawed creature that he is, has learned lessons from watching me.

So I’m sure you can, too.