Humans have hundreds of places that review vacation spots. They have magazines, websites, and whole television networks devoted to vacations and travelling. Despite that, not one of these sources has ever talked about the difference between the Guest Bedroom and the Mommy Pillow, or the top and bottom levels of Kitty City. I’ve checked, and neither Catster nor Cat Fancy have run vacation reviews for the discriminating feline either.

Fortunately, the world’s finest feline columnist is here to take charge. Today we’ll review my favorite vacation hot spots, rating every one from zero to five claws (the number I would bury in Ziggy’s skull just to secure the spot). Five claws is the highest rating. I could probably devote whole columns to some of these vacation destinations, and in the case of the Mango Box, I already have. So, today we’ll do capsule reviews of a number of my favorite spots to spend a little me-time. If anyone is interested in more thorough coverage of a particular location, feel free to comment below and I may expand coverage of some of these exotic destinations.

The Guest Bedroom: Mommy and Daddy keep a second bed in my house. Occasionally one or the other sleeps there. Also, when Aunt Liz came to visit, she slept there. But mostly, it’s my room. I usually sleep there at night, and sometimes in the morning, and sometimes in the afternoon. The guest bed is so spacious that sometimes Ziggy and I share it, by which I mean I sleep on the comfy pillow and he sleeps at the foot. The problem with the guest bedroom as a place to get away is that it’s basically my bedroom. And, while everyone loves a good staycation, it just lacks the exoticism of a special locale like the Mommy pillow. Rating: three claws.

New Scratchy Thing: When I’m looking for a more active time away, I want something to tear at and destroy. Fortunately, there’s the new scratchy thing. It’s still got some of the white tissue paper from Christmas, so I can choose between a harder scratch and a more casual tear, depending on mood. It also makes a mess, so I can watch my humans clean up after me; that’s always a plus. It’s also within easy travel distance to my food dish, the Mango box, and the cat grass. On the downside, New Scratchy Thing’s view is only so-so; it’s pretty far from the window, and the Christmas tree has gone away. Rating: four claws.

Kitty City: While I do like the hideaway (the bottom-right triangle-shaped part) for the occasional weekend naptime, and I have enjoyed it’s potential as a dojo for teaching Mina-Style kung fu, a certain undesirable element has taken the place over. Also, Kitty City is optimized for climbers, and I’m not a climber; I’m a scratcher. While I realize the rope things are for scratching, I don’t get that sense of accomplishment I do from cardboard. Also, it’s a color of brown that I don’t think complements my fur. Rating: One-and-a-half claws.

The Mommy Pillow: I’ve talked about it before, and I’ll talk about it again. The Mommy pillow is the perfect kitty resting resting place. It’s a proverbial banquet for all the senses. It smells like mommy, and that smell helps me relax and really let go of my stresses from the daily grind. It’s soft, which is a big plus for any place I plan on sleeping. Also, pillows are warm. They cradle and support a kitty while she sleeps. This one is particularly comfy. I will bury my claws in Ziggy’s face just to keep him from enjoying it. If I used all my feline powers to create the ultimate kitty vacation, it would be 10 hours of power napping on the Mommy Pillow. Review: five claws.