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I Played Cards With My Cat — And He Made Me the Joker

My cat's a card shark, and I never had a chance.

Angie Bailey  |  Aug 24th 2015

A few months ago I posted about my experience playing the Life board game with my cats. Needless to say, it was quite the experience — and by “experience,” I mean complete chaos. My kitties created their own rules and I had no idea what was happening during most of the game. I just know I didn’t win.

I’m not one to give up, so I decided to engage Cosmo in a few card games. He already looks like a fancy casino dealer in his tuxedo, so I figured he was the perfect game mate. He reluctantly agreed to face off, so I shuffled the cards. Here’s what happened.

1. War

War is a simple game, and one I enjoyed playing as a child. It’s totally a game of chance — you just have to lay down the card with the most value. Then both cards belong to you. The winner is the one who ends up with all the cards. Pretty simple, right?

I thought I had a decent chance at defeating Cosmo in this one — wishful thinking on my part, I know.

He seemed utterly bored as he continued to top each of my cards. I mean, really — he barely looked at me and seemed to be going through the motions. I don’t know if I trust that cat. Is it possible to count cards in a game of war? Maybe that’s why he avoided eye contact. I’ll bet he wished he were wearing sunglasses like those professional poker players.

"I win."

“I win.”

2. Blackjack

I swear this cat must have lived in Vegas for a while when I wasn’t looking. While I continued to lose, he nonchalantly presented perfect cards time and time again. He’s no cat — he’s a card shark. I was sucked into a feline sharknado, except with cards.

"Read 'em and weep."

“Read ’em and weep.”

3. Poker

OK, time for poker. I’m not the best poker player, but I honestly didn’t think Cosmo could whoop my butt in all the card games. This had to be my chance to come out on top! I was dead wrong. Cosmo threw down a full house, and it just got more and more depressing (for me) after that. I’m so glad I didn’t agree to any bets. He suggested the high stakes of specialty cat treats for him and Oreos for me. I so wouldn’t have seen any Oreos.

"Yes, you may admire my winning hand."

“Yes, you may admire my winning hand.”

4. 52 card pickup

After wowing me with his card-playing expertise, Cosmo decided he was tired. I mean, I was obviously no competition for someone of his skill. He had no time for me and thought a nap sounded way more interesting. I can’t say I blame him.

"Your amateur skills bore me."

“Your amateur skills bore me.”

On his way to sleep in his cozy cat bed he decided he’d engage me in just one more card game: 52 card pickup. Thanks, Cosmo — you’re a real pal. I gathered all the cards while he curled up and smugly stared at me, probably judging the way I stacked and shuffled. What a card snob!

"Your turn."

“Your turn.”

I think this whole business of playing games with my cats has run its course. They either confuse me by playing by their own rules or squash me with their surprisingly advanced abilities. Once again, cats win everything. And guess, what? I’m the joker.

Like I thought I even had a chance.

Like I thought I even had a chance.

What human game would your cats win? Tell us about it in the comments!

Read more by Angie Bailey

About the Author: Angie Bailey is an eternal optimist with an adoration of all things silly. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, thinking about cats doing people things and The Smiths. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, Texts from Mittens (originated right here on Catster) and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that features sketches and mockumentaries. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.