5 World Records My Cat Would Absolutely Win
While watching Jimmy Fallon one night, we learned about RecordSetter, which allows anyone to claim a world record in anything simply by doing the thing and sending in a video of it to the RecordSetter site.
For instance, I just landed the world record in squirting the most squeeze cheese onto a single potato chip -- or I would have, had I recorded myself and sent it into RecordSetter.
I would never do that.
In any case, RecordSetter made me think -- cat behavior can be pretty extreme, and cats are diligent creatures. What sort of world records would my cat win?
1. Most consecutive days completely ignoring fresh water in a clean bowl
Due to a mishap with our water fountain, my cat now has to deal with water that just sits there quietly in a bowl. It doesn't gurgle or babble. It doesn't need a power source. It doesn't play out the hydrologic cycle in miniature, and it doesn't cost $49.99. It's just a little water in a small bowl -- but clean water, changed daily. Or it used to be, until I realized that she is psychically incapable of even looking at the thing without gagging and throwing up in the closet.
2. Most meows while standing on the counter of the guest bathroom, with one foot in the sink
Once I started counting, I counted 23, and then I stopped counting and said something about it being 3 a.m. very harshly, before getting up and turning on the faucet. Being a world champion means you crap on other people. I have to remember that.
3. Most victories in ad hoc staring contests
You know when you sometimes walk into a room and surprise your cat and suddenly the two of you are engaged in the most awesome staring contest? My cat wins every one. She never flinches. She stares like a judge sentencing Lindsay Lohan. I lower my eyes and cede to her honor.
4. Most consecutive days on that disgusting cat bed
It wasn't always disgusting, but when a cat sleeps, grooms, and even vomits up hairballs on the same thing she's been lying on for more than 20 hours a day for God knows how many days, things get disgusting. The cat bed is disgusting. The cat bed could use a good wash, but then the cat would avoid it like the plague for approximately six to seven months, and it would sit there, forlorn, an unused cat bed in your living room. There's nothing sadder than that.
5. Most consecutive days making me feel horrible about the dry food I'm trying to feed her
I have a bag of healthy food my cat hates in the back of the cabinet. It's a perfectly fine bag of food. She used to love this food. Then she stopped. She switched brands after some freakin' cat sitter brought over some flavor-spiked supermarket kibble. Now, whenever I run out of the new stuff, I wait until she's good and hungry and meowing like crazy and then I drop a bowl of the old brand on the floor with a lot of fanfare. I make a big production out of it. She looks at the food for whatever is less than a picosecond, immediately turns around, and walks out of the room. Just ... out. It's brutal.
What weird world records would your cat win? Let us know in the comments!