Eventually we all get there, standing in a pet warehouse before a nine-foot-tall cat tree, just thinking it over. Just playing it out. But what about the one over there, and the one over there? Cat trees are a billion-dollar business. Well, no, they aren’t. But the kind you get still says a lot about you.

No Tree at All

Wow. Tough love. I like it. First the cat gets a tree, then it wants a piece of ribbon and wet food, am I right? You’re not raising some shiftless cat who just likes to, er, sleep all day. Sometimes you’re not even sure you have a cat, until you catch it glaring at you when you look under the bed. You know that cat trees double as scratching posts, though, right? Have you looked at the back of your couch lately? Because there’s no back anymore.

Simple Scratching Post

Congratulations! You’ve begun your journey to responsible pet ownership and ÔǪ wait, I’m sorry. It’s just that this is the most boring thing I’ve ever seen. And you put it in the basement? Do you hate your cat? It’s a cat. Your actions have a direct result on the cat’s happiness. How about we put your bed out by the trash cans, shall we? Let’s put the television facedown in the bathroom. Would you like that? Now get back to the store and buy something with a platform or two, or at least a box your poor cat can hide from you in. Get out of my sight.

Modern Cat Tree

You have the mind of an artist. You have a design aesthetic. You like Apple, but you love Apple designer Jonathan Ive.

You tell all your friends to watch the font documentary Helvetica. None of your wineglasses have stems. Your ice cubes are in the shapes of stars. Sometime you forget it’s a cat tree and think it’s a piece of modern art sitting there in the middle of your living room. You’re thinking of getting one for every room, to continue the theme. Your house is a canvas, and your cats are your muse. God, what a beautiful piece. It’s a shame the cats urinate all over it.

Cat Wall Shelves

You’re bold, even fearless. You take things not only to the next level, but to the level unforeseen. A cat tree without a trunk? Brilliant. Cat wall shelves are one of those things you think you should have thought up first, like gummy worms and sprinklers. You like your home to make a statement. When someone comes over, you want them to see your cat sitting quietly halfway up the wall and think, “I’ve utterly, completely underestimated this person.” Sometimes when you’re standing next to a cat wall shelf, you put your drink on it. This is a great place to put a drink, you think, your mind working feverishly. Go ahead, patent the wall coaster!

Enormous Cat Tree

You’re a kid at heart, and if you can’t have a bounce house in your backyard permanently (assuming you don’t! But you might!) then at least your cat can have the Camelot of cat trees in the living room. You’re a large-hearted, giving person, and you like people to be happy. Your cat better be happy, considering what this baby cost. He insists on simply sleeping all day at the top, though, but you’re not one to interfere with anyone’s happiness. Still, would it kill him to jump around a little? He hasn’t even gone into the fifth box yet. Man, what this baby cost.

Realistic Cat Tree

Wow. Look at that. You have a tree that your cat, even if he were just wild on catnip, I mean just gone, would never mistake for the real thing.

I’m almost scared to see your aquarium.

Still, I like the effort. You get down on all fours and see things from the perception of your pet, which is never a bad thing. What did you think of the new cat litter? You care, deeply. Perhaps too deeply. Just look at the exploding craft store you put in your living room. Have a little respect for interior design. It’s for everyone, you know.

Photo credits: Gray cat in blue room by Shutterstock.com, others as noted under the photos.