International Pooper Scooper Week, begun by the Association of Professional Animal Waste Specialists, is dedicated to reminding dog owners to do the right thing and scoop the poop. Because cats don’t deposit their waste wherever they damn well please like a bunch of ill-bred moles, we thought we’d ask a cat to celebrate the day with us.
Catster: It’s International Pooper Scooper Week! How do you want to celebrate?
Cat: Celebrate? What’s gotten into you?
I just want you to understand how happy I am that you’re so, um, self-sufficient.
You’re happy I poop in a box.
Frankly, I can’t believe that anyone doesn’t poop in a box. What’s that thing that dogs do outside?
You mean walks?
Yeah, what are those?
Well, some dogs take walks to find places to poop.
Amazing they haven’t figured it out beforehand. How do they decide on a place?
Well, I guess they sniff around to see where others dogs have been pooping, and then they poop there.
Dogs poop where other dogs poop?
Even when they could poop anywhere they want?
That says a lot about dogs, frankly.
How about this: Sometimes they roll in it.
Even eat it.
Dogs have a complex relationship with poop.
You’re not kidding. What happens next? Wait, don’t tell me.
Well, the owner then picks up the poop in a plastic bag and carries it around until they find a trash can.
Ha ha. No, really.
I’m serious. That’s what happens.
Dogs owners pick up poop and carry it around?
No wonder they need a holiday for that.
It’s not so bad. I put your poop in a bag, too.
Hey, I cover my poop in litter, pal. The job’s nearly done.
And I’m forever grateful for it. Don’t ever change, kitty.
I’ll never poop like a dog, that’s for sure. What a messed up system they have.
It’s pretty roundabout.
“Oh, hi. I’m a dog. I think I’ll poop a mile away from our house today.”
They’re weird that way.
They are weird.
That reminds me. Can you fill one of your juice glasses with water and place it on your nightstand? I’m pretty thirsty.
You don’t want me to turn on the bathtub faucet?
It’s not 4 a.m., Einstein. And make sure it’s the juice glass with the chip on the rim. That one works best.
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