Most of my cats’ nicknames are based on personality. Cosmo is “Sir” because he looks like a fancy dandy in his tuxedo fur. Since Phoebe has the most luxurious bunny-soft fur, we call her “Bunny.” Other times we give our cats nicknames based on odd incidents in which they were involved. For example, we call Saffy “Pickle” because one time a rebellious dill slice jumped from the kitchen counter and landed on her back, like a little green saddle. She raced through the house trying to buck off the pesky pickle. And then, of course, she smelled like the juice for several hours, further cementing the moniker.
As much as I love giving my cats special names, I’d be a fool to think they wouldn’t lay some choice nicknames on me. Here are six nicknames they probably have for me, as told from my kitties’ point of view.
You know that sound? That magical metal pop we hear twice a day? That’s when our person finally makes the grand decision that we get to eat. We don’t get to raid the refrigerator whenever we want to, like she does. She’s always grabbing bags of chips, teasing us with those crinkles that sound exactly like our treat pouches. Egregious! But when we hear that popping sound, we know it’s the real deal, and good ol’ Pop Top is about to come through with the good stuff. All hail Pop Top!
Once a day, our person sneaks around to our litter boxes and removes the clumps with this tool, which looks kind of dangerous. We have no idea what she does with those clumps (that belong to us, by the way), but they go into a bag and then disappear. One of our theories is that the Clump Hustler is selling them to fund her obsessive chip habit. So now we’re kind of nervous that we’re involved in some type of illegal clump scam. This is disconcerting, to say the very least.
Our person has busy lips and she’s constantly trying to put them all over us. We have no idea what she’s doing, but she makes this smacking sound and then smiles. Most of the time we don’t mind giving her some cheap thrills, but when she puts those lips on our bellies, we have to draw the line. That’s just wrong, and Lips Ahoy needs to lay off that business or she’s going to find herself on the business end of a giant rabbit kick.
She thinks she owns every door in the house. She sometimes uses them as a way of separating us from her. We feel this is an unfair and unnecessary practice. Occasionally we’ll pound at the door, letting her know we’re not pleased with her power trip. Other times we prevent the door closing by standing in the middle of the doorway. This is our power trip, our message of civil disobedience to the almighty Door Cop.
Why is this? Why must she hold us with such a snug grip, leaving us to wonder if we’ll spend the final days of our nine lives attached to her chest? It’s all so unsettling and a little uncomfortable. But wait, it gets worse. At times, Trapper Keeper sings and dances around the kitchen with us in her arms. We can only assume she’s practicing for some cheesy community theater thing … or else she’s gone and lost it altogether. Neither would be a real surprise.
We know she loves to talk to us, sometimes while we’re busy doing important cat stuff like sleeping or staring at bugs. Go away! But the worst is when she wants to get all up in our grills after drinking coffee. I don’t mind a waft of burrito breath, but come on, Maxwell House — step back a few feet. Or eat a burrito and come back later.
Do your cats make up nicknames for you? Go ahead, tell us in the comments!
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About the Author: Angie Bailey is an eternal optimist with an adoration of all things silly. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, thinking about cats doing people things and The Smiths. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, Texts from Mittens (originated right here on Catster) and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that features sketches and mockumentaries. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.