Today is If Pet Had Thumbs Day (no, seriously), and we ask a cat what he would do if he had thumbs. Guess what? You don’t want your cat to have thumbs.
Catster: What is the first thing you would do if you had thumbs?
Cat: I have thumbs.
No you don’t.
What are these then? [shows off useless little dewclaws]
What’s so funny?
It’s just … what can that cute little thing possibly do?
I figure it can cut your eyeball.
And if I hook it on your lip and yank hard I bet it can do something REAL NEAT.
Relax, I’m just messing with you. I’d open a jar of olives.
The first thing I’d do if I had thumbs is open a jar of olives.
Really? You like olives?
No, I’d just scatter them around the living room.
Then I’d open a jar of capers. You have capers, right?
I think so. What would you do with them?
I’d scatter them around the living room.
This is what you’d do if you had thumbs?
We’re just getting started. Next I’d flip open that bottle of chocolate syrup you have and —
Scatter it around the living room?
No, I would squeeze — wait, if you have thumbs can you squeeze things?
Then I would squeeze it all over the living room.
Next I’d start your car.
You drive too slow.
I do not.
I would drive the hell out of your Corolla.
Let say you can’t leave the house and can’t scatter my groceries in the living room. What would you do if you had thumbs?
Oh, I don’t know. Light a match?
Throw a hammer?
I just don’t understand why you don’t do these things all the time.
What, destroy things? Is that what you think thumbs are for?
You think if I had thumbs I would go at the back of the couch with my claws?
I’d use a freakin’ chainsaw!
What? I thought you scratched because it’s a cat thing.
You’re damn right it’s a cat thing. NOW GIVE ME SOME THUMBS AND THE KEYS TO THE WEED WHACKER.
YOU GOT ME ALL FIRED UP. I WANT SOME THUMBS.
There, there. Nobody’s getting any thumbs.
I really wish I had thumbs.
I know. You could do so much damage with thumbs.
I know, right? Can you picture it? I’d unscrew all the pens and pour ink all over your carpet. I’d uncap the Woolite. I’d pick up a frying pan and, I don’t know, something.
Well, we can’t have everything.
At least it’s relatively tidy.
Can you open the refrigerator and throw an egg against the wall for me?
OK. I’m going to slide all your toiletries off the bathroom sink now.
Knock yourself out.
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