Every time I start thinking I’m really something, I get shot down by some unforeseen twist of fate. Or maybe not so unforseen — since Sparkle is really the brains of this household (at least in the Cat World), I should have figured that at some point Catster would want her here. After all, she is the one with the popular blog and award-winning books, so when the Catster editors asked for a post from her, who was I to say no? So here you have it — Sparkle’s guide to guests, from her feline perspective. – JG

I don’t know about the rest of you kitties, but I’m not a big fan of guests. They disrupt my schedule and always seem to linger when I’d prefer some privacy. Plus they tend to be noisy with all their chattering, making it hard to nap. My roommate Binga, on the other hand, loves visitors and every time some human walks in the door, she is anxious to play hostess, no matter how annoying the guest is. I think she is crazy.

If you are more like me, and you view guests with suspicion, if not out-and-out disdain, you will appreciate this list of the five different kinds of guests, and how to cope with them. Use my suggestions the next time your humans invite someone over without asking your permission.

1. The human who “hates cats”

Why is this person even showing up at your door? Your humans should have banned them from the premises long ago! It’s possible they are relatives, and your human is forced to accept them, but otherwise there is no reason for a hater to be inside your house. Humans who hate cats fall into two categories: those who just haven’t met the right cat, and vile examples of humanity. Either way, I suggest you dole out the same treatment: give them your undivided attention. Stare at them from afar. Stare at them up close. Rub up against them. Jump in their laps. Chew on their hair or clothing. Make biscuits on them. Purr in their ears. If they have just not met the right cat, they may be intrigued, and it’s always a good idea to create a new cat fan. If the human is just a vile cat hater, this treatment will drive them crazy and with any luck, they will cut short their visit.

2. The “allergic” human

I don’t trust allergic humans. Sometimes I think “allergic” is just an excuse for a human to dislike cats. That is why I suggest that allergic humans get the very same treatment that cat-hating humans do. Crawl all over them and leave as much cat fur on them as possible. If they are allergic, why are they at your house anyway? If your human wants to be friends with someone who is allergic, she should hang out with them at a coffee shop, or go to their house, not bring them to your happy kitty abode.

3. The human who “loves cats and they love her”

This one is even worse than a human who hates cats! These women (and they are almost always female) just assume that all cats love them, and they come barreling into your domain acting like Bast’s gift to felinedom. Do not go near this human under any circumstances. She will annoy you beyond belief with her silly baby-talk and invasive behavior. This type of human has no sense of personal space and will stalk you if you so much as peep into the room where she is hanging out. Even if it’s a beautiful day and your favorite sun puddle is in there, do not enter the room. You will never get a chance to enjoy your sun puddle anyway; she will be too busy trying to grab you and manhandle you. The best thing you can do when this human is around is hide under the bed until she is gone.

4. The human who is “indifferent” to cats

I like these humans. They leave you alone. You can walk right past them and flop down on the furniture and they won’t care. You can come and go as you please and they won’t even look twice. Except for the talking, they are practically invisible. How you treat an indifferent human depends on your human. If your human has been well behaved, you are free to ignore the indifferent guest or be friendly, as you please. If your human has been misbehaving — serving your dinner late, yelling at you for jumping on the counter, etc. — then you can use this visit to show your human who is boss in your house! Act out, knock a few things over, do sprints through the house and make a racket. See if you can get a rise out of the indifferent guest. That should make for an entertaining visit.

5. The “authentic cat person”

This type of human is more rare than you would imagine. They are smart enough not to make a big deal out of your presence. They respect you, so if you are not in the mood for company, they will not force themselves on you. Someone who is an authentic cat person won’t approach you unless you invite them to (and they are smart enough to know the signals). And they will be polite and ask your human what you enjoy, whether it is play or treats or anything else — but they won’t force any of this on you. They allow you to take the lead. I think these guests are awesome because they are perfectly happy admiring me from afar (just the way I like it), and they are just as comfortable letting Binga walk all over them. In a perfect world, all guests would be authentic cat people. But since the world is anything but perfect… you have the above tactics at your clawtips.

Kitties, do your humans have guests over, and how do you treat them?