I admit it: I’m a pop culture junkie. I watch TMZ and enjoy entertainment magazines, but I have to say that mostly I just scoop up the dirt and then roll my eyes. So many of these celebrities who are constantly in the headlines for asinine behavior and half-witted hijinks are nothing more than spoiled-rotten attention whores who poop in gold-plated toilets.
Cats are much bigger attention whores and, if their exploits were to make headlines, Entertainment Tonight would quickly be replaced by a show called Whisker Watch. It would feature racy paparazzi footage of celebrity toms leaving public litter boxes with fast-looking female ferals, raucous cat fights in the middle of feline fashion shows and young cats, high on the nip, flipping off photographers. Perez Hilton couldn’t even keep up with it.
Here are six feline scandals that would rock the headlines.
1. Representative Fuzzball Sweeney busted for texting photos of his litter box business
Anthony Weiner texts pics of his pee pee and Fuzzball Sweeney texts pics of his poo poo. Nobody wants to see either of them. Politicians are subject to power trips and, although he conducts government business out of the dumpster at the corner of Fourth and Maple, Representative Sweeney isn’t immune to that.
He was finally busted after one-year-old aide, Tabby Schwartz, turned him in. Tabby tells Whisker Watch: “He kept sending me these awful pics of his poo — it wasn’t even covered up! It’s like he was proud of it.” Sweeney denies all charges and is hiring a private detective to track down the cat, who he says, hacked into his phone and sent the photos.
2. Mr. Boots outed as “dog lover” after being spotted in local pooch park
Mr. Boots, in Toronto working his new action film, Nine Lives Isn’t Enough, was spotted leaving The Bark Park, a local dog hangout. He’s been rumored to enjoy the company of dogs — particularly Corgis — but no one’s had proof until today. Mr. Boots refused to comment and quickly ran under a nearby bush.
3. “Sweetie” O’Neill says she’s clean, but gives ear mites to 15-plus cats behind local CVS
Just when we thought “‘Sweetie” O’Neill finally had her act together, she’s is back in the headlines. Fresh from the catwalk in New York, supermodel O’Neill has fallen back into her old habits. You may remember last year, when she brought a nasty case of fleas to Fashion Week and more than 20 models were sent home with Advantage and a bad taste in their mouth for their “friend,” Ms. O’Neill.
“Sweetie” went underground for a while and emerged, seemingly healthy, for the show last week in New York. “I’m clean,” she told Whisker Watch. Maybe she was free of fleas, but more than 15 cats have stepped forward saying after “hanging out” with O’Neill behind a local CVS early last week, they’ve contracted what a veterinarian has confirmed as ear mites. “Sweetie” was unavailable for comment.
4. Felix Bennett back in rehab after huffing overdose on Jimmy Choo pumps
Feral-turned-foster music superstar, Felix Bennett, is at it again. After several stints at Free Your Sole rehab center in Malibu, Bennett just can’t kick the habit. “He was fine for a while,” says girlfriend Muffin, “But then I started catching him with his face in various shoes: sandals, slippers, loafers … he didn’t care. He just needed a fix. When he started hitting the expensive stuff, I knew he had to stop. The Jimmy Choos were the last straw.” Bennett checked into Free Your Sole yesterday and Muffin is hopeful for his recovery: “It has to work this time. I just don’t know how much more I can take.”
5. Smokey McGee vomits on another cat’s carrier and is kicked out of free claw-clipping clinic
Everyone wondered why professional napper Smokey McGee showed up at a free claw-clipping clinic. After all, he has the means to hire a private stylist. “He’d obviously been into some catnip,” says clinic organizer Mittens Loomis. Witnesses say he tried to cut in line several times before finally vomiting on an unknown cat’s Pet Taxi. “It looked like barely-chewed Eukanuba Chicken Formula,” said Loomis. McGee was promptly escorted off the premises.
6. Mitzi Taylor and unknown Bengal arrested after brawl at West Hollywood Cat Show
Mitzi Taylor, the successful show Bengal with a history of anger issues, was incensed after “Bengal No. 6” took home the blue ribbon at yesterday’s cat show in West Hollywood. Witnesses say she jumped out of her handler’s arms and lunged at the winning cat. “That cat did not know who she was f**king with. I’ll mess her up,” said No. 6. Both cats were disqualified from the competition and No. 6 was stripped of her blue ribbon. “Good,” said Taylor.
Would your cat be caught in any scandalous behavior? Tell us about it in the comments!
About the Author: Angie Bailey is a goofy girl with freckles and giant smile who wants everyone to be her friend. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, and thinking about cats doing people things. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that may or may not offend people. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.
Read more by Angie Bailey:
- My Cats Make Me Feel Like a Child — That Explains My Childish Behavior
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- Why Yes I Sing to My Cats — You Mean, You Don’t?
- I Can’t Resist: I Kiss My Cats’ Toes When Their Legs Dangle
- 6 Ways My Cats Would Profit from Opposable Thumbs
- 5 Cat Traits I Desperately Wish to Possess
- 5 Ways I Prevent My Cats from Going Berserk