The Catster 2015 Kitten Bowl Scouting Report


As we keep saying, the Kitten Bowl is Sunday, brought to you with much seriousness by the Hallmark Channel and hosted by NFL great Boomer Esiason. We’re glad they’re taking it seriously. We are, too. In the run up to the Kitten Bowl, we sent out a top expert in kitten football to get his scouting report on the players in the big game.

We did this.

Here is the Catster 2015 Kitten Bowl scouting report:

1. Squints

Not much to report. Squints slept in the equipment bag the entire game. One time she woke up and walked onto the field, and we thought we’d finally see what she’s made of, but she was only heading to the other side to use the opposing team’s litter box. A boss move, by the way. Really shook the other team.

2. Sprinkles

This kitty can run — in fact, she never stopped, whether a play was on or off, whether she was in the game or not. Even when it was halftime she was out there doing circles, chasing God knows what. Could have been wind. If the league tests for catnip, she’s done.

3. Aaron Pawdgers

Hard to tell if Aaron Pawdgers will be effective on game day or not, because he just sat off the side of 30 yard line and stared at the other team’s coach the whole time. Daggers, if you know what I mean. I had a cat like that once, and I couldn’t take a nap in my own home I was so freaked out. Put him with Squints, and you’ve got the ’56 Packers all over again. Horrifying.

4. Alley

Football is a game of warriors. A little camaraderie among teams, a little brotherhood, sure, for the sake of the fans, but seriously, spending the whole game on the other side grooming the opposing kicker will not fly in the Kitty Bowl. Alley is a lover. Maybe she should try badminton.

5. Stray Matthews

Hissing like a banshee at anyone who gets within a foot of you? I like it. Stray Matthews knows how to keep competitors at arm’s length. Just get her the ball and get her to her hiss her way slowly down the field, and you’ve recipe for winning. There might be some hurt feelings, but that never stopped Walter Payton.

6. Steve

Is there a position in football that involves sitting on the goalposts that I don’t know about? Because Steve here sat atop the uprights damn near the whole game, but he did so with such determination and effort that I began to wonder if Steve did in fact think he was not only participating but excelling in the game going on below him. Steve is a ripe candidate for some psychological study; perhaps less so for the game of football.

7. Spike

Correct if I’m wrong, but is sustained, obsessive grooming now part of the rulebook? Because I’ll be dammed if Spike did not just spend 60 minutes of regulation gametime licking his nethers while not five feet away his football team got hammered in the Kitty Bowl wildcard playoff game. They could have used his help. Course, he probably felt the same way about them. Probably wanted his team to stop playing football and gather around his private areas for a couple hours. Sometimes I hate kitten football.

Read more about the game on the Hallmark Channel’s Kitten Bowl site.

Read more funny stuff by Michael Leaverton:

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