I love music, and I nearly always have it playing in the background when I’m at home or in the car. I’m also known to grab a cat and break into impromptu kitchen dancing. Don’t you? Because I expose my cats to a variety of music, why wouldn’t they begin developing their own taste in tunes? One day my mind began wandering (as it often does), and I pondered the playlist I might find on my pussycat’s iPod.

Here are 10 of the songs on the playlist, as explained by my cat. Please note that these selections are based on song title only. There are no hidden meanings in the lyrics.

1. “Don’t Stand So Close to Me” by the Police

This song goes out to all the ham-handed human visitors who like to come into my home and assume it’s okay to pick me up for a manhandle, all the while attempting communication in high-pitched tones and clicky-mouthed sounds. This is why I run and hide when the doorbell rings. This is why I claw your face off. Go ahead, pick me up again … I’ll show you Sting.

2. “Love Me Two Times” by the Doors

Love me one time when I jump onto your lap while you’re trying to work. Love me two times when I jump down and, just when you’re settled and working productively again, I pounce up again, my bottom presented squarely to your face. Additionally, my love/hate relationship with doors makes this song an instant feline favorite.

3. “Boxful of Letters” by Wilco

Sure the box is full of letters, but underneath all those letters is a beautiful box. “Boxful of Cat” is more music to my ears. On second thought, napping on top of a boxful of letters might be quite comfy. People just don’t write enough letters anymore. Can’t they get anything right?

4. “Walking After Midnight” by Patsy Cline

Just when my people are deep in sweet dreams about me (what else would they dream about?), I start walking. I walk on kitchen and bathroom countertops, human bladders and faces, bookshelves, and anywhere else that might promise forbidden snacks, makeshift toys, or pure annoyance.

5. “This Time Tomorrow” by the Kinks

I’m always thinking about the next series of meals. By the time I polish off the last morsel of my — or someone else’s — bowl of chow, I’m already looking forward to the next one. In fact, I can hardly wait.

6. “Suspicious Minds” by Elvis Presley

Even in a dead sleep, when I hear you speaking sweetly to another cat, I’m certain you must be doling out treats or something else equally fun or delicious. Because I don’t trust you one bit and don’t want to miss out on a single tasty moment, I must investigate.

7. “Space Oddity” by David Bowie

I magically occupy spaces of all types and sizes, even surprising myself on (a very rare) occasion. Just when you think I won’t fit in that empty (yes, I saw you polish it off) box of Fiddle Faddle, I’ll ch-ch-ch-ch-change your mind.

8. “That Joke Isn’t Funny Anymore” by the Smiths

Seriously, people … just take the Santa hat off my head. I know you want a Christmas card that your friends will be all “awwww” over, but I look ludicrous. And the joke never really was funny. What proper cat’s playlist is complete without the delightfully dramatic Morrissey?

9. “It’s Not Unusual” by Tom Jones

Go ahead and try — you’ll never be able to predict how I’m going to react to anything. Throw a ball, and a dog chases it. Guaranteed. Throw a ball, and I might chase. I also might start gnawing at an itchy spot on my back leg. Nothing is usual or unusual with a cat. Stop trying to figure me out and fetch me a snack.

10. “Offend in Every Way” by The White Stripes

Who’s offended more often than a cat? You remove me from a cozy chair so your selfish butt can enjoy my residual warmth: offended! You don’t refill my bowl when it’s half-empty, obviously wishing starvation upon me: offended! You close the blinds (my window to the world) because you need to undress, even though nobody cares to see your pasty-white nudity: offended! I can go on …

What songs would you find on your cat’s music playlist? Tell us about them in the comments!