T.S. Eliot wisely observed:

The Naming of Cats is a difficult matter,
It isn’t just one of your holiday games;
You may think at first I’m as mad as a hatter
When I tell you, a cat must have THREE DIFFERENT NAMES.

Of course, anyone who has a cat already knows this. Growing up we had a calico who was officially named Oracle, but was also known as Stinky Pinky, Paddy Paws, Popo Kitty, and Butt Crust (forgive us, we were children). Mostly of these nicknames referred to her hygiene, which was sorely lacking. Oracle lived a long, full life, and though she was not the smartest kitten in the basket, she was very sweet and affectionate, and purred softly even as she stepped quietly to the foot of the Rainbow Bridge.

So, without further ado, here are 10 cats I found on the Internet, now made better with my nicknames.

1. Real name: Sir Edward V

Nickname: Totoro

Reason: He is in a bus. A bus made of cardboard. Pure magic, am I right?

2. Real name: Jeremiah

Nickname: Nip

Reason: He is frolicking in Strawberry Fields forever, tripping on the ‘nip. If you call him, he will not pick up the phone.

3. Real name: Josephina

Nickname: Hint

Reason: Hint hint. (Wink wink.)

4. Real name: Spots

Nickname: The Dreamer

Reason: The Dreamer is nostalgic for her days of kittenhood. She meows, “When I was a kitten, things were simpler. I could fit into this box, for instance. Le sigh.”

5. Real names: Thomas and Georgina

Nicknames: Revenge and Spot

Reason: The spot you shall never get out of your carpet shall be the revenge you will receive for this indignity.

6. Real name: Sammy

Nickname: Paul Simon

Reason: As long as he has that rock, he is an island.

7. Real name: Mittens

Nickname: Forever

Reason: As in you’re going to be vacuuming up pieces of paper forever.

8. Real name: Princess

Nickname: Princess

Reason: It’s obvious.

9. Real name: Sierra

Nickname: You &%#$ing Cat!

Reason: Do you see that look in her eyes? Yeah, you can imagine how a moment later her pupils dilated and she lunged for the bare tootsies wiggling in the deep pile carpeting.

10. Real name: Ice Cream

Nickname: Chubs

Reason: No matter how much diet soda Ice Cream drank, he was always still too large to fit into his favorite box. Hey, don’t be upset, man. It’s genetics.

What are your cats’ nicknames? How did you come up with them? Let us know in the comments!