We Eavesdrop on Cats Who Are in Couples Therapy


Mental health is important, and I’m a huge fan of therapy. I’ve gone to individual therapy on and off for years, and have also spent time in couples therapy. Sometimes you just need an unbiased point of view — someone who calls you on your stuff and helps you develop top-notch communication skills.

Cats in human-syle romantic relationships would definitely benefit from sessions at feline couples therapy. Here are six reasons why I think they would seek professionals, along with actual transcripts from therapy sessions. Of course I can’t divulge from where I obtained these transcripts. Let’s just say I have friends in the business. I’ve removed all names to protect the privacy of those involved in the sessions.

1. “He doesn’t cover his poo”

"Cover or get out."
“Cover or get out.” Photo via Flickr

Cat A: For the past six months, he hasn’t covered his poo.

Therapist: Would you like to respond?

Cat B: I don’t see what the big deal is. You make a big deal out of everything. Remember when you wouldn’t stop talking about the catnip fish I swatted under the sofa?

Cat A: See what he does? Deflection! I’m tired of covering up his poo! He’s a grown cat, for the love of Bast!

Therapist: How do you feel when she says those words?

Cat B: Hungry. Can I get some of those beef treats from the bowl in the lobby?

2. “She talks too much”

"I haven't seen a squirrel in weeks."
“I haven’t seen a squirrel in weeks.” Photo via Flickr

Therapist: What would you like to talk about today?

Cat A: Oh, she has plenty to talk about — just ask her.

Cat B: Again with the talking?

Cat A: She scares all the birds and squirrels away from the patio. I’m a quiet cat and enjoy watching the wildlife from under a bush. I can’t do that when she starts with that incessant chattering.

Therapist: Do you agree?

Cat B: I can’t help it! It’s instinct! As soon as I see a cat or a bird, I start making those noises.

Therapist: She does have a point.

Cat A: You’re always on her side!

3. “She turns away when I clean her ear”

"She's only a friend. I swear."
“She’s only a friend. I swear.” Photo via Flickr

Therapist: You’re avoiding eye contact with one another. Why?

Cat A: She knows why.

Cat B: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Cat A: I try to clean your ear and you turn away. I feel rejected.

Cat B: I saw you with that calico from down the block.

Cat A: She was giving me directions to the pop-up nip market!

Cat B: I suppose she needed to clean your ears while she was giving you directions, huh? You are so busted.

4. “She takes all the sun puddles”

“She’s wrong, right?” Photo via Flickr

Cat A: I have no idea why we’re here today.

Cat B: Because you can’t give me even a sliver of space in a sun puddle.

Cat A: I try, but then you hog the whole area, and then the sun moves and I lose everything!

Therapist: Have you tried talking about this as it occurs? Letting one another know how you’re feeling?

Cat B: You wanna know how I feel? How much time do you have?

Therapist: I’m sorry, our session is over. It’s time for my 11 a.m. nap.

5. “He steals my treats”

“Relationships are hard work.” Photo via Flickr

Therapist: It’s been a while. How have you two been?

Cat A: I think we’re fine.

Cat B: Except for the treat situation.

Cat A: There is no “treat situation.” You’re imagining it.

Cat B: Every time we get treats, you inhale yours and then move in for mine! It’s been happening for months, but I finally feel ready to speak up about it.

Cat A: Liar!

Cat B: Avoider!

Cat A: You’re more and more like your mother every day.

Therapist: Why don’t we take a few deep breaths and have some water from the fountain in the corner.

6. “She’s addicted to catnip”

“I’m so over this.” Photo via Flickr

Cat A: I’m tired of being codependent about this situation. I know she’s hiding catnip under the cat bed.

Therapist: Is this true?

Cat B: Of course not. Why would I hide catnip?

Cat A: Because you have a problem! You’re stoned all the time. I can’t even chase the red dot with you anymore because you’re all over the place. Your eyes look crazy when you’re on the stuff. And you’ve been hanging around with that no-good Fuzzy McNeil again. He’s nothing but trouble.

Cat B: You never liked Fuzzy! You’re jealous of our friendship. You’re clingy and I feel smothered!

Therapist: Are you high on catnip right now?

Therapist: Can you please answer the question?

Cat B: I need to visit the litter box.

What reasons do you think cats would end up in couples therapy? Tell us in the comments!

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