Lifestyle

Meet CatFoodBreath, a 17-Pound Cat Blogger With a Sushi Habit

By Phillip Mlynar

, August 21, 2014

CatFoodBreath is the latest upcoming Internet star to hit the feline blogging circuit. Something of a gourmand and a curmudgeon, this portly Siamese loves chowing down on sushi while plotting to get rid of the dog he has been unceremoniously forced to live with. (All virtuous goals, of course.) He’s also cultivated something of a Twitter addiction, and spews out LOL-worthy tweets with an impressive verve and gusto.

I caught up with this rising name on the Web to talk about the all-sushi diet, the insufferable hardship that comes with being a feline blogger, and the devious-sounding Secret Cat Stuff plan.

Phillip Mlynar for Catster: When did you first start to cultivate your sushi habit?

CatFoodBreath: 1907. No, that’s not a typo — that was during my first life when I lived on the seashore.

What would be the main benefit of feeding a cat an all-sushi diet?

Your wallet is much lighter. This is a tremendous benefit to your human joints and muscles.

Where do you stand on the issue of vegetable sushi rolls? Are these acceptable?

Vegetables, like tofu and dogs, are useless.

Can you describe the taste of sushi-grade ahi-tuna?

It tastes like something I should be served every day. It’s like a squishy bug with added ocean flavor. The best tuna brings joy to your taste buds, just like a good moth.

So if money was no object, which sushi restaurant in the world would you most like to eat at?

I’d like to work as a quality control inspector for Jiro Ono in his Sukiyabashi Jiro restaurant — you know, to give him some pointers. Go watch the movie Jiro Dreams of Sushi if you don’t know what I am talking about. Jiro could serve me lunch and dinner at his restaurant, then we could go out to an all-you-can-eat buffet with shrimp and sardines when my shift was over.

What’s the most difficult part about being a cat blogger?

Well, I need at least 18 hours of sleep each day, not including naps. I’m also a world-class couchathoner so I have to make time to work out and keep up with my training routine. A typical day for me is: Sleep, nap, eat, nap, wash, nap, snack, sleep, push a few things off the table, nap, lunch, shed, sleep, get the dog in trouble, snack, nap, sleep, purr. While it’s important to be there for my adoring fans, it’s difficult to add one more thing to my schedule. I’ve considered hiring a publicist.

Do you look up to any other cats who have become Internet famous?

First, all cats are awesome, whether or not they are famous on the Internet. But it is no surprise that there are so many famous cats online: Cats are smart, cute, and tech-savvy. The famous cats are just doing their job, according to the plan. I can’t tell you much about how Internet cats will impact the world, as that is Secret Cat Stuff. You get that information on a need-to-know basis. If you aren’t a cat, you don’t need to know.

You often mention trying to sell the dog you live with on eBay. What are your top tips for listing such an animal on an auction site?

Well, it ‘s against the rules to sell dogs on eBay. Crazy, right? Then, even if you list it and get a bidder to pay for it, there are hurdles like getting the dog in a shipping container and having stamps stuck in your fur that make the transaction difficult to complete. I’m experimenting with Craigslist ads and also hope to bundle the dog with the vacuum and Thing Two — a great package deal for someone!

Your Twitter bio has your location as “the couch.” What are some common dos and don’ts when couch shopping for a discerning cat?

I did write an extensive article about couch shopping. I believe a cat can create a good-quality relationship with any piece of squishy furniture, though. I have wonderful moments on the comfy chair, and fond memories of a bench that used to be in the hallway. The keys to success are to nap on your special furniture every day, always make sure it has cat fur on it (why do you think they call it furniture?), and remember that unauthorized humans — and all dogs — are not allowed.

Finally, from reading your Twitter timeline, a person might get the impression that you’re a clumsy cat who constantly knocks things over. Is that accurate?

The dog is responsible for all broken items, things that crash to the floor, and any incident which causes someone to yell, “No, no, bad kitty.”

You can keep up with CatFoodBreath’s eternal struggle to dispose of the dog over at his Facebook and Twitter outposts — along with perusing his official website.

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About Phillip Mlynar: The self-appointed world’s foremost expert on rappers’ cats. When not penning posts on rap music, he can be found building DIY cat towers for his adopted domestic shorthair, Mimosa, and collecting Le Creuset cookware (in red). He has also invented cat sushi, but it’s not quite what you think it is.