Meet 13 A**hole Cats Who Don’t Care About Your Rules


We adore our kitties, and there’s no question about their positive contributions to our lives. But sometimes … they’re just plain a**holes.

Here are 13 a**hole cats who don’t give a rip about boundaries.

1. I’ve got your world domination right here

Swat team moving into Central America. Photo: Nicky Westbrook
Swat team moving into Central America. Photo: Nicky Westbrook

Think YOU’RE invading Central America? Wrong. You just took the wrong “risk,” buddy. And while I’m at it, I’ll take the rest of the world. Like you’re surprised. Now fetch me some treats. This world domination thing is making me a bit peckish.

2. Order pizza

"Vegetables ARE good for you."
“Vegetables ARE good for you.” Photo: Brooke Young

I know these green beans are for your dinner. Can’t you see I’m seasoning them with my essence? They’ll taste a million times better after I’ve had a nice long nap on top of them. It’s okay, you can postpone your meal a few hours — it’ll be worth it. Or maybe you should just stop hassling me and order a pizza. Yeah, that sounds like the best plan yet. 

3. Get off my back — I’m busy

"This screen test isn't over."
“This screen test isn’t over.” Photo: Dorian Wagner

If only you’d provide me with some decent cat toys, I wouldn’t have to entertain myself by climbing this screen. Or maybe I would anyway because this is a damn good time. You might want to pick up some duct tape because flies are getting in through the holes. Or maybe not. No, forget the duct tape. 

4. There’s too much water in this cup

"Measure twice, swat once."
“Measure twice, swat once.” Photo: Katy Herman

Some of this water has to go, and we can handle it one of three ways: I can drink some of it, I can push it off the kitchen counter, or I can drink some and then push it off the counter. Yeah, I like the third option best, too.

5. Enjoy your freaking muffin

Tail-gating with muffins.
Tail-gating with muffins. Photo: Char Riedinger

You won’t give me a bite of your precious muffin? Fine. See how it tastes coated with a layer of my shedding hair. And I DON’T have my paws on your plate anymore. You didn’t say anything about my tail. No revising the rules. Enjoy your freaking muffin.

6. Namaste, sucker

What a total knockoff.
What a total knockoff. Photo: Shannon McCarthy

Don’t look at me like that. Knocking over plants is hard work, and it requires adequate rest afterward. Like you have any experience in that department? Don’t make me laugh. Plus, the plant occupied the space where I wanted to meditate, so there’s that. I think I saw the broom in the hall closet. Namaste, sucker.

7. Bring me the dead bird

The rage is real.
The rage is real. Photo: Sarah Gay

Ever heard of “blind rage?” Next time, open the blinds before you go to work and we won’t have this problem again. Well, it’s not a problem for me. Hey, there’s a dead bird under the tree. Can I have it?

8. Who’s shaving turkeys?

"Sammich time."
“Sammich time.” Photo: Adrienne Martens

These sandwich fixings must be for me, right? And who started shaving turkeys? Whatever. I’ll just chew until I hit poultry. Hey, what does a cat have to do to get some privacy around here? Also, can you buy cheddar next time? KTHXBAI.

9. Maybe you like feline flatulence

Time to throw in the towel.
Time to throw in the towel. Photo: Nicky Westbrook

If you need to dry the dishes, there are some paper towels over there. These dish towels are otherwise occupied. Plus I just passed gas on several of them. On second thought, take them. Maybe you like your water glasses wiped with feline flatulence. That’s what I thought. Wake me at dinner time.

10. Try it in the dark

"Flipping you off."
“Flipping you off.” Photo: Toni Nicholson

I see you’ve settled in for a nice long stay on the toilet. Let’s see if you can do your cute little sudoku puzzles in the dark. 

11. You don’t want me to have fun

"Finally! Some fun!"
“Finally! Some fun!” Photo: Sarah Gay

This is fun. Why didn’t you tell me how fun this is? You don’t want me to have fun, do you? Too bad for you. Can you come back in like 15 minutes? You kind of owe me.

12. These guys are hacks

"Let's talk about tampons."
“Let’s talk about tampons.” Photo: Kristen Gregerson

How about I stand right here until you decide I’m more important than these talk show hacks? If you’re interested in talking about something, let’s talk about the box of tampons I just destroyed in the bathroom. 

13. You are so selfish

"You're not very level-headed, are you?"
“You’re not very level-headed, are you?” Photo: Dorian Wagner

You obviously don’t know how to hang art correctly, so let me take over. If it falls on the floor, it was never meant to be there anyway. Do you even own a level? Why isn’t there more artwork of me around here? You are so selfish. 

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