Do you like receiving junk mail in your mailbox? Nah, I didn’t think so — neither do I. I try to follow the whole “touch it once” method, wherein I don’t place any junk mail on my kitchen table and then later throw it away because that would be touching it twice … one time too many for those who want to maintain a somewhat organized life and pile-free table. Although my table isn’t always pile-free, I usually remember to let pieces of junk mail go from the mailbox to the recycle bin. See, that’s only touching it once. Go, me!
Guess what? Cats hate junk mail as well. Certain kinds, anyway. If cats were to have their own mailboxes — you know, for pen-pal situations and holiday cards with money for presents inside — they’d definitely shred certain kinds of junk mail immediately. They’re kind of lazy, though, so I believe they’d probably go with the “touch it twice (or more) times.” After napping on it first. Obviously.
Here are five kinds of junk mail cats would instantly shred.
1. Ads for dog politicians
Political ads are annoying, but enough with the flyers promoting canine candidates! Seriously, what cat would vote for that money-grubbing Beagle with inflated promises of “less tax on catnip”? All they care about are bigger dog parks and crotch-sniffing rebates.
2. Useless coupons
Like humans, cats enjoy a good coupon; however, 90 percent of them delivered by the mail carrier are completely useless. Half-price bags of crappy clay litter? Discounted vet visits? Cut-rate cat carriers? For real, now — save the paper.
3. Loans for tricked-out cat trees
Of course cats would initially get revved up about the possibility of snagging a palatial cat tree with multiple towers, cozy hammocks and private hidey-holes. Then they’d see the jacked-up interest rates and shake their heads. Cats don’t want debt, unless they put it on your credit card. What a rip off!
4. Time-share offers
Hello! Most cats don’t even like riding in cars, much less hopping on a plane or cruise ship to head to some tropical destination. The only brief reservation they’d have before shredding: beaches of endless sand, which is awfully tempting. Nah, not worth it.
5. Gym discounts
Cats have no time to include planned exercise into their day. And pay for it, even at a discounted rate? Now that’s just crazy-talk. Walking to the food dish and occasionally chasing the feather of a wand toy is plenty enough exercise — and it’s free. Cats would roll their eyes at these insane offers, and then take a long nap. Sleep burns calories, right?
What kind of junk mail would your cats shred? Tell us in the comments!
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About the Author: Angie Bailey is an eternal optimist with an adoration of all things silly. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, thinking about cats doing people things and The Smiths. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, Texts from Mittens (birthed right here on Catster) and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that features sketches and mockumentaries. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.