5 Ways That I Will Never, Ever Be Good Enough for My Cat


Let’s face it: Cats are fickle little buggers. Just when we think we have them figured out, they change their minds. If we choose to share our lives with felines, we simply must learn to be completely flexible and open to whatever whim strikes them at any moment … because it will probably be just the opposite the very next hour … or minute.

My Phoebe is a prime example of the fickle feline phenomenon. By now I’ve stopped trying to get inside her head because, really, my attempts are futile. Seriously — whoever claims they absolutely have a complete grasp on the feline mind is a giant liar. Yes, you too, Mr. Galaxy … and I can write that because he and I are on friendly terms and he wrote a blurb for the back of my book, and I’m sure he’d agree. Was I just a name-dropper? Geez, I’m tacky.

Anyway, here are five ways I will never, ever completely please my Phoebe.

1. Treats

Finicky, finicky, finicky. Why can’t Phoebe be like Cosmo and Saffy and inhale most anything that’s placed within her reach? She’ll go nuts over one kind of treat and the next week act like I’m trying to feed her a handful of gravel. I suppose I’m mostly irritated because I’m as much of a control freak as she is.

2. Doors

So Phoebe acts like she’ll die if I don’t let her inside a room with me. Then she comes in, wanders around a little while, knocks stuff of of tables and then insists on being back on the other side of the door. And when I write “insists,” I mean total drama queen material — as if she’s been kidnapped and has one paw pounding on the door and the other dialing 911 … because why? I have absolutely no clue.

3. Containers

I love being able to offer my cats new boxes, baskets and other types of containers for their lounging pleasure. Every once in a while a certain receptacle is a giant hit with one of the kitties. Last Christmas my mom sent us a felt basket of holiday goodies and, like a good cat mom, I gave the empty basket to the cats. Phoebe immediately claimed it as her own, letting the other cats know they weren’t to go anywhere near the precious basket.

A week or so later, she disowned the box, offering her sloppy seconds to Cosmo and Saffy, who by that time wanted nothing to do with it. How does one tire so quickly of such an amazing container of “Joy”? Why has it suddenly become repulsive? Alas, I have failed again at trying to please my cat … at least for longer than a couple of weeks.

4. Toys

Phoebe becomes powerfully attracted to certain toys balls of smallish size. She likes the squishy ones she can easily bat, as well as carry around in her mouth. Sometimes I’ll see how much she loves a certain ball, so I’ll go and buy a few more, hoping to surprise her with the gift. By the time I come home, she’s moved on to something else and ignores the balls. Just to spite me, no doubt. I believe this is true because as soon as I’m not looking, she’s back to the original toys. Curses!

5. Being held

Phoebe can either be extra cuddly or extraordinarily standoffish, which I suppose is the case for many cats. What puzzles me is that she seems to really enjoy being held or snuggled in one particular way in one sitting, so I try and repeat the position the following time, and she’ll have none of it. Really? So you liked to have your chest scratched yesterday, but today you think I’m trying to torture you? What gives?

So, the long and short of it is that I give up. Completely. Absolutely. Whole-heartedly. I shall never completely understand the feline mind and they shall always be the ones captaining Command Central in our home. Will I still continue to try and please them? Of course — what am I, crazy? I am and will continue to be an all-day sucker when it comes to my cats. Don’t even try to lie because you’re one too.

Are there ways in which you’ll never completely please your cats? Tell us in the comments!

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About the Author: Angie Bailey is an eternal optimist with an adoration of all things silly. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, thinking about cats doing people things and The Smiths. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, Texts from Mittens (birthed right here on Catster) and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that features sketches and mockumentaries. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.

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