Can you believe another whole week has passed? Here we are again! It’s Friday, and Fanglish class is in session. Each week we humans gather to learn a selection of words and terms from the feline cat-slang dictionary known as Fanglish. It’s a top-secret language, which is why we have to keep things under wraps. Some of us even have to study our slang behind a locked door. But because cats have a terrible relationship with locked doors, our time is limited. We get it where we can, for as long as we can.
Kitties have spoken this underground language since olden days, and they prefer we humans are kept in the dark about the whole business. Well, this has been the case … that is, until I met my feline informant friend, who’s eager to breach longtime rules in exchange for cat treats. I always thought that was a fair trade. My informant brings me new slang each week, and most weeks there’s a theme. This time the theme is “bedrooms.” Humans spend a fair amount of time in the bedroom, so that means cats do, too. They definitely have some opinions about how we — and they — use the space where most people relax and get their shuteye.
Are you ready for your lesson? I thought so. Here we go!
1. Head rush
A mad dash to a human’s pillow when he’s gotten out of bed.
“The Lady returned from the bathroom to find Grandpa Kitty had made a head rush.”
2. Undercover attack
A cat’s strike on a human’s feet that start moving underneath a bed’s blanket.
“As The Man was finally drifting off to sleep, Jellybean decided it was time for an undercover attack.”
3. Open-drawer policy
An unwritten rule that allows cats to occupy any dresser drawer that’s left open and available.
“Peaches was glad The Lady was in a hurry getting ready for work because an open-drawer policy was in full effect when she left the house.”
4. Jumbo slurpee
A cat who engages in loud rear-end bathing while a human is attempting to fall asleep.
“The Lady tried to count sheep, but all she could hear was the jumbo slurpee at the end of the bed.”
5. Frequent flyer
A cat who races back and forth across the bed during the early morning hours.
“The Man wanted to sleep in, but could take only so much of the frequent flyer activity and decided to feed the cats.”
6. Trapper keepers
Cats who position themselves in such a way that make it difficult for a human to change positions in bed.
“The Lady’s leg cramp forced her to move to a side-sleeping position, but the trapper keepers fought it all the way.”
The exact center of a human’s full bladder that, when kneaded, creates a painful look on a human’s face.
“Mocha knew he’d hit The Lady’s kneadle-point when she said a bad word and ran to the bathroom.”
8. Taking a sheet
Sitting or lying on top of a sheet while a human attempts to make up a bed.
“The Man’s bed-making efforts were halted when Geneva decided to take a sheet in the middle of the bed.”
9. Under warning
Advised by a cat to “leave me alone” by hiding underneath a bed.
“The Lady’s cousin wanted to hold Mr. Piggly Wiggly, but she was under warning.”
10. Knockoff items
Items on a dresser or nightstand that a cat frequently knocks to the floor.
“The Lady went shopping for new bracelets, and Lucious was pleased to find the knockoff items on top of her dresser.”
11. Slide presentation
A cat’s paw sliding underneath a closed bedroom door, indicating he’d like to gain entrance.
“The Lady had accidentally closed the bedroom door, so Maxwell woke her up with a loud slide presentation.”
12. Bed of chaos
A human and cat’s abrupt jolt that happens in bed when an alarm sounds.
“The early morning alarm on Monday always created a bed of chaos for The Lady and Stitches.”
13. Queen comforter
A female cat sleeping on top of a comforter.
“The Man tried to climb into bed, but Victoria, a queen comforter, wouldn’t shift her position.”
14. Bed of lies
A human’s refusal to arise and feed a cat, even after several promises.
“Sanford was tired of The Man’s bed of lies and decided to stand on top of his chest.”
Come back next Friday for a fresh selection of Fanglish cat slang!