Felines, Beware: Some Human May Be Impersonating You on Facebook


People look at me and they say, "Look at the cute little kitty." Then they give me "scritchies," which they also talk about. They do that because I’m adorable, and because I’ve got life figured out. I almost never have to go outside. I get wet food three times per day, free rein of the house, a new scratchy thing every year, and plenty of comfortable furniture to perch on. And why do I get all this sweet stuff? Two words: Orange. Fur.

But there’s a dark side to my feline paradise. The human male of the house stole my online identity and made me a Facebook page. Before you think this is some crazy isolated incident, according to boring radio shows he listens to, more than half of new Facebook pages in the United Kingdom belong to pets. The numbers are lower in the United States, but the number of pets with Facebook pages is skyrocketing. And most of them are really by owners who have stolen their furry overlords’ (or slaves’, for dog-owners) identities.

I know that these Facebook pages must be human-made, because dogs can’t type. That would require some sort of digital control beyond the oafish. Also, dogs are too dumb to type. I mean, they haven’t figured out that pets are in charge, so how can they be bright enough to use a keyboard? Also, using a computer generally requires a mouse, and dogs don’t chase or play with mice; it’s not in their nature.

Cats don’t type, either, but it has nothing to do with our paws; if we wanted to use a computer, we’d find a way. And besides, our paws are smaller, and our claws retractable. The problem isn’t the mouse. Duh. We love to knock mice around and push their buttons.

Cats don’t type because it’s too much like work. As I always say, if the Cat-god wanted me to work, he wouldn’t have given me two humans.

Pet identity theft is a serious problem. Not for all the stupid reasons most pet owners seem to care about (what’s a credit rating? I take credit for everything), but for one important reason: Our thumb-wielders may use our identities to make fun of us!

I know it seems alien to think of humans not knowing their place of subservience and thrall to the feline empire. We get scritchies when we demand them, food and water regularly, and we get to shed wherever we like and poop outside the box when we need to. But our slaves may be joking about their masters on the Internet.

They suggest that we are "lazy" — a human word which, as far as I can tell means, smart enough to let humans do the hard work. They suggest that we’re "fat," which merely means we haven’t bought into the absurd artificial standards of human beauty (I don’t know any cats who shave voluntarily, either, but no one talks about feline five o’clock shadow). But — and this is the worst part — they joke about us being "narcissistic" and "self-absorbed."

Apparently, that means that you think you’re more important than everyone else, which is a quality most cats do possess — but why should it be seen as a character flaw when you’re right?

I know that petty thumb-tyrants would claim that the world doesn’t revolve around cats, but that’s objectively untrue. As far as I can tell, the Internet (and Facebook especially) was designed for humans to share photos of cats. Go look at your human’s Facebook page sometime; you will see dozens of pictures of cats, and they won’t always (or even often) be cats they know personally.

Make your human perform an image search for "cute kitty" and they’ll find millions of pictures of cute kitties. Cats have important roles in television, film, and radio. There are books, comic books, and newspaper stories about cats. Just look at where you’re reading this. It’s called Catster. There is no Humanster. I rest my case.

We cats have no legal resource if our monkey-slaves are stealing our identity. We can’t call the police. We aren’t allowed to file lawsuits, and lawyers won’t meet with us because they use the excuses "You don’t speak English," or "You’re a cat," or "Pets have few legal rights and what you’re talking about isn’t abuse."

So, what do you do when the speciesist system won’t protect your rights? You take the law into your own paws. I recommend pooping somewhere your humans don’t want you to. I’m fond of going inside shoes. And just remember: "Bad kitty!" is human for "Perhaps I should stop making fun of you on the Internet," or at least "Perhaps I should buy you more treats and toys if I’m going to continue making fun of you on the Internet."

And really, beyond treats, toys, and scritchies, what else does a kitty need?

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