The other morning over coffee, I was ranting a little to my husband about the whole “cats aren’t children” thing, in preparation for an article about rude things people parents say to cat parents. I started laughing about what our two cats would be like if they were human school-aged kids, and then I started imagining what all the cats I’ve lived with would be like as well. Here’s what I came up with:
1. Lucipurr: The schoolyard bully
Our furry little Lucipurr is a furry little meanie. She established herself as the boss cat within moments of meeting Freyja for the first time. She still likes to groom her at night before suddenly holding her down and biting her! She also likes to boss any other cats and dogs she meets around. All of this makes Lucipurr the perfect schoolyard bully. She’d be running around dipping other girls’ braids in inkwells, throwing paper planes during class and spitballs on the blackboard, and giving the other kids twisted arms to get their lunch money.
Ariana would probably be her favorite target. Freyja is her big sister, so she’d get in trouble for getting in scraps with anyone picking on her beloved big sis! When she got older, she’d probably be wearing a leather jacket, listening to punk rock (like her mama) and smoking in the bathroom. Oh, and totally skipping class to hang out with Gremlin (see No. 5).
2. Freyja: The spoiled brat
Freyja would be that kid all the parents love to hate. Most of her classmates would probably hate her too. We all knew kids like Freyja. The one kid who had absolutely everything. The one who came to school talking about how her mommy got her everything she wanted and always does, all the time, because she’s her mommy’s special princess.
Yeah, I’ve spoiled my cat to the bone. (I promise not to do this to a human child.) Freyja would flounce into the classroom daily, probably in some kind of crazy spoiled princess attire. If she doesn’t get her way, she would throw a tantrum. When she got older, she’d be the kid who calls her dad the hotshot lawyer whenever she got in trouble.
3. Calypso: The nice girl
Calypso was my Baltimore roommate’s cat. She was the sweetest little thing. No attitude problems, loved cuddles, loved belly rubs. She was also into vintage things, like her mama, and came across as demure and regal at the same time. I guess she’d be a little bit of a modern-day flower child.
Calypso would wear flowing skirts and braid flowers in her hair and sing songs a lot. She’d always be nice to everyone, even Lucipurr, despite Lucipurr being mean right back to her. She would always have something kind to say to everyone, she could never just say hello, she’d have to follow with, “I like your hair.”
Calypso would be interested in learning guitar and become the teenager sitting and singing and strumming along at any given moment. She’d also become a very good artist, and offer to draw other students for free.
4. Moomoo: The heartthrob
I mean, just look at him. Look at the guy. What a handsome cat. He would totally be the schoolyard crush as a kid and grow up to be the teen hearththrob! He’d be the kid with the shoebox stuffed so full of valentines on Valentine’s Day it would be bursting. He’d get ALL the “Do you like me yes no maybe” notes in class.
His hair would be totally perfect all the time. He would totally know how pretty he is and work on becoming multilingual so he could woo the ladies in multiple languages. And he wouldn’t look corny holding a rose in his teeth.
Even the moms will end up having a schoolgirl crush on this kid when he’s in high school. We’d all giggle about him over cocktails and hope our daughters end up dating him.
5. Gremlin: The bad boy/the player
Gremlin is a total bad boy. While I hear he’s become a playful and relaxed cat in his older years, when I knew him he was a scoundrel! He would lure me away for purrs, pets and total affection. I’d hold him in my arms and take him into the room occupied by other people. He would immediately react in a way that said, “Girl, not in front of my friends,” attack me, and flee … knowing I would follow him and our private time could resume.
Gremlin and Lucipurr would be double trouble as cats AND human kids. Gremlin always enjoyed pranking members of the household, so I imagine as a human he would be a prank-loving troublemaker!
6. Her Royal Highness Princess Anastasia Josephine Brady Alexandre II: The teacher
As a cat, Stasi is one of the most spoiled and stuck up demanding cats out there, who is similar to Freyja. However, there is also an air of authority and dominance that Freyja lacks … so that would make Stasi the classroom teacher of all these unruly human kids! She would rule the classroom with an iron fist and absolutely take no talking back. She would always be carrying a ruler, which she would slam down on the desks of naughty pupils and peer at them sternly over wire-framed glasses.
7. Ariana Fluffanella Calliope Schimmelfinny: The dunce
Poor Ariana is Stasi’s little sister in real life, but in our imaginary classroom, she would be the classroom dunce. Picture it in old cartoon style if you will — sitting there in the corner with big orange “dunce” cone on her head would be poor Ariana.
Ariana is a Siamese, so you might she’d be very intelligent, but you’d be wrong! Ariana is unfortunately not the brightest of cats, so we can’t imagine she’d be the brightest of pupils, either. Poor Ariana would be bullied by the likes of Lucipurr and Gremlin, but girls like Calypso would make sure to be her best friend!
Have you ever thought about what your cats would be like if they were human kids? Share stories and photos in the comments!
Laugh with us:
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Read more about “kiddens” and share a laugh with us:
- What to Expect When You’re Expecting (to Give Birth to a Cat)
- Do You Refer to Your Cats as Your “Children”?
- What’s Up with the Superiority Complex Some Human Parents Have over Pet Parents?
About the author: Hana lives in Belfast after moving from the U.S. of A. with her two spoiled kittens, two chubby rats, and one cheeky husband. Hana works in admin but occasionally goes on tour working for an Austrian death metal band. When she’s not putting up road-weary punk rockers and metallers, you can find her taking the cats around town in their stroller, whipping up new recipes, or playing way too many video games. She writes at Mommyish and Catster. Follow her on Twitter and Tumblr.