What If Cats Could Create Online Dating Profiles?


I started dating in the ’80s and settled down with my husband in the early 1990s. Needless to say, I never had the opportunity to join the world of computer dating. However, now that there’s every sort of dating site imaginable, it’s fun to watch friends dip their toes in the online dating pool and even find lifelong partners.

If I were single now, I think I’d try it at least once. I think it’d be interesting to see how closely these sites come to finding my “perfect match.” Since that’s not going to happen anytime soon, I’ve started thinking about how funny a dating site for cats would be. Instead of Match.com, they’d probably have something like Scratch.com, and my three cats would be all over it.

Here’s how I imagine their online dating profiles:

Meet Cosmo

12-year-old male

Seeking someone fancy, open-minded and gaze-worthy

Spay/Neuter status: Neutered

Body type: Average, with slight “jungle pouch.”

Breed: N/A

Hair color: Tuxedo

Catnip? Socially

More about me:

I was born a humble barn cat and was adopted by a nice family. I enjoy naps in medium-sized boxes and staring. I guess you can say staring is my favorite hobby. My gaze is unparalleled, and some have called me “creepy,” but I prefer to think of myself as “profound.” I also enjoy chewing my feet very loudly. Hopefully you will find that attractive. Someday I hope to go somewhere fancy so my natural tuxedo can get a workout. Looking for that special someone who doesn’t mind a farm boy-turned-gentleman, who also chews his toes and loves his mom.

Meet Saffy

13-year-old female

Seeking a nap

Spay/Neuter status: SPAYED

Body type: Ample

Breed: I don’t want to breed. I told you I’m SPAYED.

Hair color: Silver

Catnip? How much can I have?

More about me:

Cosmo made me do this. I’m not interested in anything but a box. I’m not even picky, I just want a place to sleep. You would not like to date me because I’m never awake, and when I am awake I’m gnawing some treats with all three of my teeth or have my face buried in a bowl of Science Diet Prescription cat food. If any of this remotely interests you, then you must have a less interesting life than I do, but call me anyway. I could use someone to clean my nether region when I’m too tired.

Do NOT read into that last sentence.

Meet Phoebe

Nine-year-old female

Seeking someone to boss around

Spay/Neuter status: Spayed

Body type: Petite, lean and mean

Breed: N/A

Hair color: Calico-tabby mix

Catnip? Grow my own, not willing to share

More about me:

I like to be in charge, so don’t answer my ad unless you like to be bossed around and swatted when you’re sleeping in my favorite spots. I’m willing to give anyone a chance, but if you’re not interested in bathing me while I sunbathe, giving me dibs on all incoming boxes and letting me go in the fresh litter box first, DO NOT APPLY.

I’m serious about the incoming boxes. Don’t screw with me.

What would your cat’s dating profile look like? Give us a few examples in the comments!

Let Catster make you laugh:

Read more by Angie Bailey:

About the Author: Angie Bailey is an eternal optimist with an adoration of all things silly. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, thinking about cats doing people things and The Smiths. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, Texts from Mittens (birthed right here on Catster) and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that features sketches and mockumentaries. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.

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