6 Reasons My Cat Would Make an Annoying Boyfriend


I’ve been married 22 years, but I definitely remember dating a few “interesting” guys while living the single life. Most of my boyfriends were great and we had tons in common, but I managed to attract some clingy types who didn’t have much motivation in life other than seeing how much Taco Bell they could buy for $3. Thankfully, I married one of the good ones; although he’s not perfect, neither am I.

My cat Cosmo is a total Mama’s boy. Bless his heart, he can hardly take a poop without thinking about me. Well, now that sounds pretty disgusting, but you know what I mean. I can hardly take a poop without him thinking about me. Now that’s the truth. He’s right there, staring at me, willing me to invite into my potty-lap.

He’s a needy fellow and that’s just some of the logic behind why I think he’d make an annoying human boyfriend. Here are all six of my reasons:

1. Cling-wrap

As I mentioned, he’s full of cling. He wants to be in my lap or cradled in my arms 24/7. And while this is a sweet and endearing quality in a pussycat, it’d be downright irritating behavior coming from a beau. I’m certain Cosmo would be on cloud nine if I carried him in one of those Snugli baby carriers all day long. Can you imagine the looks I’d get at the grocery store? Well, better to carry a cat in a Snugli than a boyfriend, right?

2. Drooly fool

Cosmo is one of those cats who drools incessantly when he’s happy, which is all the time when he’s close to me (see Snugli comment from No. 1). When he’s in my lap, I place a tissue under his mouth to collect runoff, and while he’s under the covers with me, I’m constantly touching drooly sheets. Nobody wants to sleep in the wet spot. Just sayin’.

If my boyfriend drooled every time he was happy to be around me, things might get a little awkward. And I may have to wear rain gear on dates.

3. More food!

Cosmo is a little bit of a pig. Not as much as Saffy, but he holds his own in the chowhound department. And he’s a terribly messy eater. Food constantly falls out of his mouth and onto the floor. This is unfortunate behavior in a human dinner date.

4. Pillow thief

Not only does Cosmo drip drool on my sheets, he also highjacks my pillow. He does this when I get up to visit the loo — he also brazenly commandeers the pillow while I’m using it! Throughout the night, he slowly inches over until I’m left with a tiny corner of comfort. A boyfriend who did this would quickly find himself sleeping on the sofa.

5. Creepy McStalkerson

I know it can feel flattering to have someone stare at you … just a little. Then it suddenly turns creepy. I rarely have to wonder what Cosmo’s doing, because if he isn’t somehow attached to me, he’s probably staring at me. This is the stuff stalkers are made of, which isn’t something I especially want in a mate.

6. NOW!

Nobody wants to be bossed around, right? Cosmo is incredibly demanding. He wants in my lap. NOW. He wants food. NOW. He wants to climb under the covers and saturate my sheets. NOW. If he were my boyfriend, he’d be yesterday’s news. NOW.

Would your cat make an annoying girlfriend or boyfriend? Tell us about it in the comments!

About the Author: Angie Bailey is a goofy girl with freckles and giant smile who wants everyone to be her friend. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, and thinking about cats doing people things. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that may or may not offend people. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.

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