I work from home, so there is no one to listen to my inane midday ramblings ÔÇô- no one, that is, except my cats, Bubba Lee Kinsey and Phoenix. For the most part, our conversations involve me reassuring them they will definitely be fed soon, but sometimes, unbeknownst to them, our discussions take a decidedly weirder turn. Here are five things I say to my cats that sound kind of messed up, honestly, but that actually mean I love them more than I love most humans.
1. “I’m going to eat you”
Put me within arm’s reach of anything that is too cute for its own good -ÔÇô babies, pets, spider monkeys, tiny watermelons growing on the vine -ÔÇô and some strange impulse will compel me to chew on it. Perhaps this is a regression to my two-year-old self, who felt nothing was too gross or weird to put in her mouth. Case in point: I still remember vividly what dandelions taste like (not good) as well as baking chocolate (horrifying) and encyclopedia pages (not bad, actually).
And honestly, is there a sensory experience more satisfying than eating? And is there anything more unequivocally pleasant than a soft, warm, purring kitty napping in a sun puddle? I didn’t think so. Of course I’m not literally going to eat your cats ÔÇô- but the impulse makes sense, right? Hello? Someone back me up here.
2. “I want to rip you apart”
When something is really cute -ÔÇô like grit-your-teeth, clench-your-fists cute ÔÇô- I want to rip it apart with my hands (in the most loving way possible, of course). The other day I actually told Bubba Lee Kinsey, “You are the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. I want to rip you apart and eat you.”
The good news is pop culture has my back. Remember Elmyra, that little critter-loving girl on Tiny Tunes who was all, “I’ll take you home and lock you in a cage and never ever ever let you out except to pet you and hug you and love you and squeeze you?” Yeah ÔÇô- she gets me.
3. “Look at you! You’re a kitty!”
A lot of my conversations with my cats involve me gleefully stating the obvious. Some examples: You’re a kitty! You have spots and stripes! Look at your little toes! Your nose is red! You have whiskers! You can purr! How do you purr? I wish I could purr! Meow! You have a lot to say today! You have a tail! And your tail has spots and stripes! Your tail is so pretty! I wish I had a tail!
The way I make these statements, you’d think I’m the first person who has ever noticed that my cats are indeed cats.
4. “You’re so cute I might die”
When I walk into my living room and discover my cats engaged in some kind of obscene cuddle orgy on the couch, complete with licking, purring, and spooning, sometimes I feel like a middle school teacher who has just stumbled upon two kids making out in the empty choir room. No matter how many times I see it, it’s still wholly shocking and unexpected, and my heart stops for the tiniest instant.
But instead of being compelled to bust up the party and send the participants to the principal’s office, I am free to stand still and enjoy the love. In all honesty, I feel lucky that such beauty exists every day in my own home.
5. “Your toes look like jellybeans”
Once I saw it, I couldn’t unsee it. The resemblance is uncanny. Turns out their toes also look like teddy bears. Thank you, Internet.
What crazy things do you say to your cats? Make us laugh in the comments!
More by Angela Lutz:
- Valor the Blind Kitten Lives Up to His Name
- I’m Having a Quarter-Life Crisis; No One Understands But My Cat
- Four Ways I’ll Judge You Based on How You Treat My Cats
- 5 Awesome Facts About Your Cat’s Tongue
Learn more about your cat with Catster:
- Weird Cat Facts: 8 Reasons Your Cat Likes to Lick You
- 10 Sounds That Cats Make — and What They Mean
- 8 Things to Try When Your Cat Won’t Eat
About Angela: This not-crazy-at-all cat lady loves to lint-roll her favorite dress and go out dancing. She also frequents the gym, the vegan coffee joint, and the warm patch of sunlight on the living room floor. She enjoys a good cat rescue story about kindness and decency overcoming the odds, and she’s an enthusiastic recipient of headbutts and purrs from her two cats, Bubba Lee Kinsey and Phoenix.