Kitty Talk-Show Drama: Dr. Phil’s Got Nothing on Cats


I admit it: I sometimes enjoy the drama of daytime talk shows. Part of it is because I’m completely awed by people’s willingness to go on television and air their dirty laundry. The other part is because I’m just easily sucked into that sort of thing. I know, I know … but I’ve made peace with my taste for trash TV.

You know who’s full of drama? Cats. I think they’d be the perfect guests for shows like Jerry Springer and Dr. Phil. And I think my Cosmo would be the perfect host. I’m sure he could grow a mustache like Dr. Phil, except it’d be brown instead of the black or white of his tuxie fur. The brown ‘stache would become his trademark.

Here are some of the show topics I can definitely see happening on Dr. Cosmo’s talk show.

1. Baby-daddy drama

Daytime talk shows often offer paternity tests to mamas who want to know the identity of their baby-daddy. Usually there are two fellas in the running, and after the announcement is made, lots of screaming and running around the studio ensues. Unspayed female cats would appear on Dr. Cosmo’s show, looking for the same information. The good doctor would reveal the results, and then some major swatting and growling would happen. Then Dr. Cosmo would send them all straight to the vet to for spaying and neutering.

2. Sibling reunions

I really love reunion shows, and they’re usually happy ones. Family members who’ve never met face-to-face are finally brought together in front of millions of people. There are tears, hugs, and sometimes even confusion. Kitten litters are separated all the time — couldn’t you just see litter mates brought back together on Dr. Cosmo’s stage? Oh, the feels …

3. You’re dating who?

Parents aren’t always thrilled with their children’s choices in romantic partners. Sometimes they like to hash out these types of family disagreements on the sets of talk shows. Here’s what I envision: Fancy purebred Persian is beside herself because her purebred daughter is dating a common tabby, who’s unmotivated and sponges off of the daughter. I know all cats are pretty unmotivated, but this tabby is always high on nip and hanging out in alleys. Mom takes the public opportunity to go off on the tabby. Persian daughter says, “You never understood me! I never want to speak to you again!” And then she and the ne’er-do-well tabby would stomp off the stage. Dr. Cosmo cuts to a commercial.

4. Overbearing parents

Kids enjoy their freedom, but some moms and dads are helicopter parents and constantly have an eagle eye on their children’s every move. Guess what? Kids pretty much hate it. Sometimes families need an intervention and some solid advice. Some cat parents are the same way — their kittens can’t get away with anything because Mom or Dad are always watching them. Dr. Cosmo is the perfect interventionist in this type of situation. He’s a recovering helicopter parent, you know.

5. Cat fights over toms

Some of the most dramatic and crazy shows are the ones where two men are fighting over one woman, and she has to choose one. This is where we sometimes see chair-throwing and lots of bleeped-out name-calling. Cats are territorial, and nobody’s gonna steal their women. Dr. Cosmo would certainly have to dodge claws-out swats during episodes like these.

What kind of topics would you like to see on a cat talk-show? Tell us in the comments!

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About the Author: Angie Bailey is an eternal optimist with an adoration of all things silly. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, thinking about cats doing people things and The Smiths. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, Texts from Mittens (birthed right here on Catster) and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that features sketches and mockumentaries. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.

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