The Closer I Get to My Cats, the Stupider I Get


Ever notice how when a cat is in the room, you lose the ability to talk about anything other than those little feet, that fluffy belly, and — seriously — look at those salt-and-pepper whiskers, don’t they just slay you?

Turns out this is a relatively common phenomenon.

I was reminded of this unfortunate occurrence today when I had the following conversation with my Bubba Lee Kinsey: “Just stop being so cute and I’ll leave you alone. You’re so fluffy, I can’t stand it.” I said this out loud, waving my hands for emphasis.

This isn’t the first time this has happened. Here are four examples of how my conversational skills and general intelligence decline in the presence of a cat.

1. Talking about the weather

Reasonable distance from cat: “We appear to be enmeshed in a meteorological debacle known as a Polar Vortex. They’re predicting one to three inches of snow for Friday. But hey, you know what they say about weather in the Midwest — if you don’t like it, just wait a day and it will change!”

Near cat: “Snow, maybe. Look at his little ears. See how they move when you say his name? That’s cute. We should probably put gas in the cars today before it gets real cold. His whiskers — those are cute too.”

Face buried in cat’s belly: “Fluffy. Dammit. So fluffy.”

2. Talking about Leonardo DiCaprio’s performance in The Wolf of Wall Street

Reasonable distance from cat: “As usual, I enjoyed DiCaprio’s performance, mainly because I’ve had a crush on the man since he broke my heart in Titanic when I was 15. I do, however, understand why critics denounced the film for celebrating a culture of misogyny, unmitigated greed, and excess. On the whole, DiCaprio’s performance might not be Oscar-worthy, but it’s still nice to see him get nominated.”

Near cat: “Leo is hot. I like his movies. Phoenix has spots. Do you think she’d still have spots on her skin if we shaved her? I hope so. That’d be cute.”

Face buried in cat’s belly: “Fluffy furry kitty friend, mmm.”

3. Talking about that time my debit card information was stolen at Target

Reasonable distance from cat: “I understand that the occasional security breach is inevitable, but the fact that it happened to tens of millions of people at one of our nation’s largest retailers seems inexcusable. I will probably shop at Target again due to its affordability and convenience, but it will take some time before my faith in the security of my confidential information is fully restored.”

Near cat: “I couldn’t use my debit card for a month. It sucked. I love the way Bubba gets so excited about the laser pointer. He’s so cute when he wants something, don’t you think?”

Face buried in cat’s belly: “So warm. So soft. I love you.”

4. Talking about where to get coffee

Reasonable distance from cat: “We are in a hurry, so perhaps it would make sense for one of us to run into Quik Trip while the other pumps gas? But the quality of the coffee at Mud Pie is superior, and I’m fairly certain its caffeine content is higher; therefore, if we take a few extra moments to stop at Mud Pie now, we will negate the need for a second stop to acquire more coffee later.”

Near cat: “Sleepy. Need caffeine. Now, please. Bubba’s belly gets so warm when he sits in the sun puddle like that. I need to stick my face in it.”

Face buried in cat’s belly: “Happy sleepy kitty friend. I’ll just stay here with you, sleepy kitty friend.”

Laugh with us:

More by Angela Lutz:

About Angela: This not-crazy-at-all cat lady loves to lint-roll her favorite dress and go out dancing. She also frequents the gym, the vegan coffee joint, and the warm patch of sunlight on the living room floor. She enjoys a good cat rescue story about kindness and decency overcoming the odds, and she’s an enthusiastic recipient of headbutts and purrs from her two cats, Bubba Lee Kinsey and Phoenix.

Get Catster in your inbox!

Stay informed! Get tips and exclusive deals.

Let Catster answer all of your most baffling feline questions!

Starting at just


Follow Us

Shopping Cart