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My ignoring technique is so advanced I can ignore Mommy, Mina, and a photographer all at the same time.

As far as I can tell from watching Daddy's dealings with customer service, the primary goal of customer service is to keep people waiting on hold until they hang up. I'd be very good at that job, because I can't answer the phone. I also can't respond to email, Yahoo instant message, or Skype. In fact, whenever Daddy's phone or computer makes a sound indicating one of these is happening, I run from the room at top speed and hide under the futon.

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Yours truly, hard at work ignoring calls from unsatisfied customers.

I never avoid the phone by hiding behind the couch, because, as you all know, Baltimore might be there, and, from what I've seen of The Wire, Baltimore is full of people I don't know. This leads me to another reason I would be the best bad customer service representative in the world. I refuse to talk to strangers. So, if I worked in a cube farm and was forced to answer the phone, I would respond only to humans I knew personally. If the caller wasn't Mommy, Daddy, one of my uncles or aunts, one of my other servitor thumb beasts, or a member of the staff of Catster, I would just sit there silently until I decided to hang up. 

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I can't hear you phone, so, please, stop vibrating.

In fairness, I might also hang up on most of my co-workers from Catster.

But the key reason I would be terrible in that environment has a lot to do with the name: "cube farm." A farm is a place where humans produce the raw materials to make meat; apparently, some of those materials are cubes. Farms, by definition, have to be outside, because that's where the dirt, rain, and fertilizer are. And, as we've established: I don't. Go. Outside.

So I wouldn't even show up to work. I would just stay home.

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Hello, this is Ziggy, can I help you?

So if any big customer service firms are looking for a cat to hire, because they want someone who can take actually dealing with customers to a new low never before seen, you can call me. I won't answer, but I may hide under the futon.

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Exclusivity is important in a vacation spot. I demand that Ziggy remain several feet from the Mommy Pillow at all times.

Fortunately, the world’s finest feline columnist is here to take charge. Today we’ll review my favorite vacation hot spots, rating every one from zero to five claws (the number I would bury in Ziggy’s skull just to secure the spot). Five claws is the highest rating. I could probably devote whole columns to some of these vacation destinations, and in the case of the Mango Box, I already have. So, today we’ll do capsule reviews of a number of my favorite spots to spend a little me-time. If anyone is interested in more thorough coverage of a particular location, feel free to comment below and I may expand coverage of some of these exotic destinations.

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While I spend a lot of time sleeping in the Guest Bedroom, it feels less like a vacation and more like bedtime.

The Guest Bedroom: Mommy and Daddy keep a second bed in my house. Occasionally one or the other sleeps there. Also, when Aunt Liz came to visit, she slept there. But mostly, it’s my room. I usually sleep there at night, and sometimes in the morning, and sometimes in the afternoon. The guest bed is so spacious that sometimes Ziggy and I share it, by which I mean I sleep on the comfy pillow and he sleeps at the foot. The problem with the guest bedroom as a place to get away is that it’s basically my bedroom. And, while everyone loves a good staycation, it just lacks the exoticism of a special locale like the Mommy pillow. Rating: three claws.

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New Scratchy Thing offers a buffet, mango box, and fine view of Kitty City.

New Scratchy Thing: When I’m looking for a more active time away, I want something to tear at and destroy. Fortunately, there’s the new scratchy thing. It’s still got some of the white tissue paper from Christmas, so I can choose between a harder scratch and a more casual tear, depending on mood. It also makes a mess, so I can watch my humans clean up after me; that’s always a plus. It’s also within easy travel distance to my food dish, the Mango box, and the cat grass. On the downside, New Scratchy Thing’s view is only so-so; it’s pretty far from the window, and the Christmas tree has gone away. Rating: four claws.

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There is a certain undesirable type in Kitty City. Can you say, "Flea-bag?"

Kitty City: While I do like the hideaway (the bottom-right triangle-shaped part) for the occasional weekend naptime, and I have enjoyed it’s potential as a dojo for teaching Mina-Style kung fu, a certain undesirable element has taken the place over. Also, Kitty City is optimized for climbers, and I’m not a climber; I’m a scratcher. While I realize the rope things are for scratching, I don’t get that sense of accomplishment I do from cardboard. Also, it’s a color of brown that I don’t think complements my fur. Rating: One-and-a-half claws.

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The Mommy Pillow is a feast of the senses for any cat, and a must-nap for any discerning feline.

The Mommy Pillow: I’ve talked about it before, and I’ll talk about it again. The Mommy pillow is the perfect kitty resting resting place. It’s a proverbial banquet for all the senses. It smells like mommy, and that smell helps me relax and really let go of my stresses from the daily grind. It’s soft, which is a big plus for any place I plan on sleeping. Also, pillows are warm. They cradle and support a kitty while she sleeps. This one is particularly comfy. I will bury my claws in Ziggy’s face just to keep him from enjoying it. If I used all my feline powers to create the ultimate kitty vacation, it would be 10 hours of power napping on the Mommy Pillow. Review: five claws.

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I don't need to resolve to do anything, so I'm going back to sleep.

I listened to Mommy and Daddy discussing something they read the other day. Apparently, most cats sleep 16 hours a day. Slackers! I average closer to 20, and, on a really good day, I only wake up long enough to eat and poop. So, I think a lot of cats reading this could resolve to try and get another hour a day of sleep. It requires a certain degree of vigilance. You have to pay attention to when Mommy gets up so you can take over her pillow, or watch for when the guest bed gets made up so you can be the first to cover it in fur. But the reward for that extra hour is pretty important -- you can be more like me.

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This guy, for example, could spend a lot more time asleep.

Humans can also take advantage of this opportunity to make themselves better servants and guardians for their feline overlords. For example, Mommy and Daddy have started cooking for Ziggy and me. They make us special food out of meat and yogurt. But, sometimes when Mommy and Daddy feel lazy, we get kibble or canned food. As a New Year's resolution, Mommy and Daddy could resolve to stop being lazy and giving us kibble. Or, they could resolve to start making more delicious gravy to add to our special food that they do make. Cats love gravy. It’s delicious. Humans, ergo, should provide cats with the gravy that we love. It’s only logical.

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Let me go back to sleep! I have 12 more hours scheduled for today.

Ziggy should also make a few New Year's resolutions, because, as cats go, he needs some serious work. First, he should stop sniffing his way around the house like a dog. Dogs are dumb, and everything they do is to be avoided. You don’t want Mommy to mistake you for a dog and get rid of you because she’s afraid of dogs, do you? Remember, Ziggy, humans are less intelligent than we are, and you don’t want to confuse them. Their brains are only good for feeding us and cleaning up our poop. You don’t need to add any unnecessary data.

Second, Ziggy, you really need to stop being such a huge spaz. I mean, seriously, you’re in this constant state of panic. You need to relax. We’re inside. Bad things don’t happen to us. Those humans, they’re Mommy and Daddy. They’re our fallow servants who do as we command. I understand the dishwasher is scary, but it’s important because Daddy uses it to clean our food dishes. Even if it does scare you, you can’t let that fear keep disrupting your meals.

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Ziggy, please relax, all this running around could wake me up.

I’m sure there are millions of other things you humans do wrong. Like baseball, payroll, or recognizing your place in the world. And that’s okay. Humans are deeply flawed creatures. Your goal shouldn’t be to attempt to be perfect. It should be to strive for perfection -- that, and spoil your kitties as much as possible, because they are perfect and have lessons to teach you. Even Daddy, deeply flawed creature that he is, has learned lessons from watching me.

So I’m sure you can, too.