Here's what happened when I dumped my bag:

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The innards of my adorable Catster tote, which doubles as a purse.

If you didn't know me, you might assume a few things by examining some of the contents of my purse:

• I carry two bottles of lotion -- I must enjoy hydrated skin. This is true. 
• I have a granola bar, which means I don't want to get caught mid-snack attack and be snack-less. This couldn't be more true. I'm one of those people who gets hangry (a dangerous combination of hungry and angry) when my blood sugar drops. Trust me, it's not pretty.
• Multiple purple pens mean I like the color purple and, in case some pen thief borrows one of my pens and doesn't return it, I have backup purple pens. So true.
• A Hello Kitty notebook keeps me ready to take notes or write quick reminders for upcoming writing projects. This is especially helpful when I'm stuck in a waiting room ... or making a list of friends who are pen thieves. Great idea!
• The iPhone is my lifeline to the world when I'm on the go. I can text, make calls, play games, or create awesome cat videos on Vine. Yes!

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Phoebe dumps her purse for us.

What if a cat carried a purse? Well, I think it would actually be more of a paper bag that could double as a cat cave. The contents might be very much the same as what you'd find in my bag. Let's take a closer look.

1. Feeling board

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Phoebe never knows when she may need to sharpen her teeth on the fly.

Sure, I sometimes carry an emery board in case I snag a nail. Phoebe carries one because she's obsessed with chewing on them. Sometimes she even steals one and races away with it dangling from her teeth. With one in her bag, she could sharpen her fangs at a moment's notice. Goody.

2. Self-medication

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Cosmo self-medicates while Phoebe waits for her turn.

I am prone to headaches so I always carry a little bottle of ibuprofen in my bag. I'm not the only one who enjoys self-medicating -- cats would definitely tote around a bit of catnip in their bag. A nice cat always carries enough to share with her friends. 

3. Passing the time

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Nothing cures Saffy's boredom like a stuffed owl toy.

My phone and notebook help me pass the time when I have a few spare minutes on my hands. I'm pretty sure cats would carry a toy or two for just that very reason. Hey, maybe I should put away the Words With Friends and start batting around a catnip owl. Like I need another reason to make people talk, right?

4. The finer points of play

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It's always handy to carry around a pen or two.

I like to keep my purse stocked with pens, and cats do, too ... but for different reasons. They don't care about ink color or debate the finer points of ballpoint vs. gel. They just want something slidey that they can bat around on the floor. Yay, pens!

5. Snick-snack

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Blood sugar may drop at anytime. Don't get caught without a snack.

Like me, cats love their snacks and would certainly keep their purses stocked with treats of all kinds. After all, they can't always count on humans to deliver the noms when they want them, and who wants to see a hangry cat? Not me. 

6. Sloppy seconds

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Phoebe prefers the double-ply kind with no lotion.

I keep a supply of tissues in my purse. There's nothing worse that having a runny nose and nowhere to blow. Kitties love tissues, but mostly used ones they've dug out of the wastebasket. So, yes, they'd definitely carry a collection of tissues in their bags, but they'd be the ones I'd already used to blow my nose. Ew.

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Phoebe: "Wait a minute -- have you been in my purse?"

What would your cat carry in her purse? Tell us about it in the comments!

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About the Author: Angie Bailey is a weird girl with freckles and giant smile who wants everyone to be her friend. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, and thinking about cats doing people things. Wrote a ridiculous humor book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that may or may not offend people. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.

Read more by Angie Bailey:

• In the Old Days, Cats Smoked Cigars While Roasting Chickens: 10 Weird Vintage Postcards
• 6 Reasons Why Cats Are Totally Badass
• If Cats Got a Report Card: "Have you SEEN Pancake's GRADES?"

When I was a kid, it took six years of consistent whining and pleading to persuade my parents to let me get a cat. I finally wore them down the summer following my first-grade year. When we went on our annual trip to visit my mom's family, my parents let me choose a kitten from my aunt's farm. After much deliberation, I selected a little black-and-white tomcat who started purring when I picked him up.

"He's so sweet," I said. "I'll call him Sweets."

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Me and my cat Sweets sometime in the 90s.

Almost defiantly, Sweets did not live up to his name. Afraid that the cat would keep them awake, my parents insisted on keeping him in the basement at night. Sweets did not appreciate this, and he showed it through behavior. He made the basement door his own personal scratching post, an unwise move that landed him at the vet's office to be declawed.

Seemingly to spite my parents, he learned how to open the door just by watching us (because unlike my current cats, he was one smart fellow). He would free himself from his nightly exile to roam the house and wreak havoc upon all things breakable.

Perhaps worst of all, though, was the swift precision with which he could use his fangs to poke holes in human hands. This was partially a result of being declawed, of course, as he'd been stripped of his primary defense mechanism.

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Like my childhood cat, Sweets, my cat Bubba Lee Kinsey has been declawed -- and he also bites.

But it was also a behavior learned through play. When he was a kitten, it was cute when Sweets clawed and gnawed on my dancing phalanges. But when he got older it just freaking hurt.

Turns out this behavior is a fairly common misfortune -- and you can correct it through proper training. Here are five ways to get your cat to stop attacking your fingers already.

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Dang it, cat, my finger is not a toy! Kitten biting a finger by Shutterstock.com

1. Examine his behavior

What causes it? Are you doing anything to encourage it? Cats often bite or scratch in response to stress or in self-defense. It can help to create a calm environment for the cat by turning down the television or not singing along to “Me & Bobby McGee” by Janis Joplin at the top of your lungs. Cats can also become aggressive if children or others are playing with them too roughly.

Sweets, for example, became terrified any time he heard the doorbell ring, and Bubba Lee Kinsey cannot handle more than two houseguests at a time. Knowing this helps me to prepare and ensure Bubba has a safe haven in the bedroom if I'm having friends over.

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Cats often scratch or bite when they are afraid. Hissing maine coon by Shutterstock.com

2. Provide toys and other sources of entertainment

Your cat doesn't like being bored any more than you do. If your cat was trained to view your fingers as toys, he will direct his need to hunt and kill toward your unsuspecting hands. Give your cat some alternatives, like a feather wand or a catnip banana -- and be sure to experiment with a variety of toys to see what he likes. Then play with him every day.

Another thing that worked wonders for my aggressive Bubba Lee Kinsey was adopting my other cat, Phoenix. In those dark, pre-Phoenix days, Bubba was alone a lot while I went to work, the gym, the bar, etc. -- and he was frequently and randomly aggressive toward me. But Phoenix has chilled him out a lot, as they keep each other company and play together. And even though she's smaller, Phoenix totally dominates.

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Bubba Lee Kinsey has a foot fetish, so one of his favorite distractions is a pair of old shoes.

3. Assert your dominance

When your cat bites, clap your hands, scold him with a firm NO, and assert your dominance by staring at him directly and fiercely. Never strike or shout at your cat. Then leave the room and ignore the cat for several minutes.

If your cat is timid, however, do not be overly aggressive. Be firm, but do not frighten your cat, as fear is one of the reasons cats bite or scratch. And if your cat is not spayed or neutered, get that done ASAP; this will make it easier for you to be the dominant mammal in the house.

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I am asserting my dominance in a cat-heavy household.

4. Spray him!

It's simple -- when your cat bites or scratches, squirt him with a spray bottle or small water gun. The only problem: It needs to be done consistently and directly following the incident, or the cat will not learn to associate the two events. It won't do any good if, still reeling from your injury, you spray your cat two minutes later. In fact, it might actually perpetuate your cat's negative behavior.

This method is probably most effective if your cat typically bites in a specific place and time, such as when you're typing on the computer or watching reruns of Seinfeld every night. That way you can be prepared with the spray bottle at the ready.

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If you are adopting a kitten, never use your fingers as toys. It might be cute now, but it will hurt when they get older -- and the behavior is hard to unlearn. Cat is biting a human's hand by Shutterstock.com

5. Never use your fingers as toys

If you haven't started letting your kitten play with your hands -- don't! It might be cute when the cat weighs two pounds and has baby teeth, but when there's a 15-pound behemoth with fully formed fangs digging in to your flesh, it's a different story.

Teach your kitten to play with real toys from the start, and you won't have to spend the next 15 years with your hands and arms covered in the kinds of scratches and scars that make other people worry.

About Angela: This not-crazy-at-all cat lady loves to lint-roll her favorite dress and go out dancing. She also frequents the gym, the vegan coffee joint, and the warm patch of sunlight on the living room floor. She enjoys a good cat rescue story about kindness and decency overcoming the odds, and she's an enthusiastic recipient of headbutts and purrs from her two cats, Bubba Lee Kinsey and Phoenix.

More by Angela Lutz:

• 5 Ways My Cats Piss Me Off
• 5 Reasons You Should Play with Your Cat Every Day
• The Paw Project Treats Cats Injured by Declawing

But cats don’t have the same ability to do research into their humans’ lives, so they just have to use their imagination. Here’s my cats’ recounting of an average day in my life.

1. Getting out of bed

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They have to help me with this, of course, because they want me awake before the alarm goes off and hurts their ears.

2. Cruelly depriving them of a timely breakfast

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Why do I insist on using soap and water and a sponge when their tongues are perfectly sufficient for cleaning their dishes?

3. Ignoring them and staring at the computer screen

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This must be stopped! And the only way to end my obsession with Facebook and email is to walk in circles around my monitor.

4. The rainbox

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WTF?!? Who would want to deliberately get wet? Humans are crazy.

5. Hunting green papers

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I call it going to work; the cats call it a waste of perfectly good nap time.

6. Cruelly teasing them while preparing their supper

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How dare I carry empty bowls? They should magically be full the minute I touch them.

7. Cruelly eating my supper without their company

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I'm so mean! I take my meals in my office, where I can close the door and eat in peace. Of course, I totally eat just like they do.

8. Cheating on them

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Cheating at BlogPaws! Photo by Angie Bailey

I go out some evenings -- and sometimes I leave for days! -- and come back smelling like other cats. How dare I?

9. Lap time

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When I finally decide to sit down and watch some TV, they need to pile on my lap to make sure I stay there for more than a few minutes.

10. Bedtime

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When they’ve had enough lap time, the cats curl up next to me for a good night’s sleep -- until it’s midnight and it's time to chase each other all around the house.

What do you think a day in your life looks like to your cats? Tell us in the comments!

About JaneA Kelley: Punk-rock cat mom, science nerd, animal shelter volunteer, and all-around geek with a passion for bad puns, intelligent conversation, and role-play adventure games. She gratefully and gracefully accepts her status as chief cat slave for her family of feline bloggers, who have been writing their cat advice column, Paws and Effect, since 2003. JaneA dreams of making a great living out of her love for cats.

However, I noticed that the food isn’t consumed as readily in the summer compared to the winter. So, lately, I’ve been feeding them a little less. It made me wonder, do people feed their cats less or more in the summer?

My logical side would’ve thought that cats eat more in the summer than in the colder months. They’re typically more active in the summer chasing birds, mice, and any other small wild critter they can find. Since it's warm, they tend to stay outside exploring further and longer than usual. They also seem to play and chase each other more frequently. But, my cats don’t eat as much in the summer, and there’s not as much food left behind each morning. This makes it easier to keep the ants and other insects out of the food.

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Ash waits for Miss Kitty to finish dinner.

Perhaps they’re too busy playing in the summer and pay less attention to food. This draws similarities for me when I was growing up and preferred to spend all of my time outside playing. That was, of course, until Mom yelled for me to come in for dinner. Maybe in the colder months there’s less to do and, like us, cats are less active and spend more time sleeping and eating on those cold, inclement weather days of winter.

I have noticed that more wild critters appear to be active in the summer months. Keeping the bees away from the cats is often a challenge. It’s also not uncommon for a bird to dive bomb one of the cats who happens to be too close to her nest. This happened to my orange tabby boy, Rusty, the other day. He was simply walking down the side of the yard minding his own business (for once), and he must have walked too close to a line of Leyland cypress trees where the birds were nesting. The next thing I noticed, a thrasher flew out of the tree and swooped down near his head. Rusty was totally freaked out. I’ve never seen a cat do a tuck-and-run at the same time. Needless to say, Rusty started taking a different route to our house.

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Photo by bobi+bobi

Some of the excess food may be left behind in the summer due to a lack of other stray cats and opossums showing up. My cats don’t seem to mind the occasional visitor eating their food, as long as the outsiders wait their turn. The visitors can feel free to eat the leftovers once my cats get their fill. We don’t seem to get as many stray cats and opossums in the summer months, since there are other food sources available to them.

I’m not sure what the answers are for the lessened appetite for my cats in the summer. Maybe it is unique to them, or maybe they are too busy having fun in the summer sun to worry about eating as much.

What about your cats? Do they eat more or less depending on the season? Let us know in the comments!

More stories by Tim Link on his feral cats:

• The New Feral Cat in My Colony Looks a Lot Like an Opossum
• The Feral Cats Near My Home Use Planters as Litter Boxes
• I Paid Almost $300 to Get a Feral Cat Groomed
• I Care for a Colony of Feral Cats

We live in an era where information about cats and cat behavior is readily available, yet many people still believe myths and fallacies about them. Two of the most common are that cats will do whatever they want, regardless of input from the people around them, and that they are untrainable. Sadly, these fallacious beliefs often have serious and sometimes fatal consequences for cats. Many people surrender their cats to shelters and/or have them euthanized for behavior problems that can be resolved. Others, instead of working to change the behaviors, will turn cats loose outside, believing the cats will be able to “fend” for themselves.

Cats are not stuck in their ways

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I clicker train Ambrose, the cat of Catster Managing Editor Vicky Walker.

Cat behavior problems can be resolved, and cats are easy to train. Unwanted behaviors can be stopped through a combination of addressing the reasons for the behavior, positive reinforcement, and changing the environment. Clicker training, the same method your family uses for dog training, is very effective for training cats and for changing annoying behaviors. It is a reward-based training technique rooted in classical (remember Pavlov’s dog?) and operant conditioning. It is based on the scientific premise that animals (not just cats) repeat behaviors when their actions are immediately followed by rewards or positive consequences.

Training has benefits

Clicker training can be used to teach cats tricks such as shaking hands, rolling over and jumping through hoops on cue, and it’s also very effective for stopping unwanted behaviors and building new ones. Clicker training also helps cats feel secure, it reduces stress, it strengthens the bonds between cats and their people, and it is mentally stimulating. It is a great way to focus the cat away from the problem behavior while giving the cat something more acceptable and fun to do. It is one of the tools in my virtual took kit, useful for helping my cat behavior consultation clients change annoying cat behaviors. 

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Sudan investigates the clicker.

Did I mention it’s fun? Clicker training is fun for the trainer and the trainee. People are impressed at how smart their cats are and at their own training abilities. It is powerful stuff! And, it is a tool available to everyone. Here are the basics:

Assemble the tools

The first step to clicker train cats is assembling two fundamental tools. The first is a treat the cat adores. In Clicker-Speak, the treat is called a "primary reinforcer." Treats are so incredibly motivating that the cat will do just about anything for them. Although the easiest treat to use is food, not all cats are foodies. For cats who are picky eaters or aren’t motivated by food, there are other activities that can double as primary reinforcers. A couple of strokes can be a treat for cats who love attention -- those who enjoy being groomed thrill to the feel of a brief brushing.

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More fun with Ambrose.

Once you find a motivator, you need a device that always performs the same action when activated. It might make a sound, or emit a flash of light or a vibration. In clicker terminology, after being paired with the treat, it is called a "secondary reinforcer" or "event marker." The action from this device marks good behaviors the instant they occur. The most popular event marker is the clicker.

And, of course, you need a cat.

Make the click count

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Maulee has a positive association with the sound of the clicker.

After assembling the tools, the first task is pairing the treat with the click so that the cat has a positive association with the sound. It is easy! Immediately after clicking, give your cat a small treat. Wait until he has eaten and looks back up at you before clicking and treating again.

Depending on the cat, it takes between five and 20 repetitions until he makes the connection between the click and the treat. Pairing the treats with the sound results in the click becoming a powerful communication tool -- alerting the feline the instant he is doing a desired behavior.

A simple click is powerful

Once the cat has a positive association with the click, you can start using it to change behaviors. A simple click, followed by a treat, will communicate to the cat when he is engaged in an appropriate behavior such as scratching a scratching post instead of the furniture, or hanging out on a shelf instead of lounging on the keyboard.

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Jinniyha scratches the scratcher instead of the carpet.

Touch the target

Clicker training grows from the simple click. The next exercise is target training -- the cat touches a target with his nose when cued. A target can be a chopstick or the eraser end of a pencil. Start by lowering the target to the same level as the cat’s nose, but about 2 inches away from him. He will automatically reach and touch it with his nose. Just as he touches the target, click once and then immediately toss him a treat. Move the target away from his line of vision and wait for him to eat his treat and look back up at you. Repeat. Repetitions are good -- they help build behaviors.

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Ambrose touches the target.

It is important to click only when the cat does the behavior you want, which in this exercise is touching the target with his nose. Cats sometimes become creative, touching the target with different parts of their body. If your cat does creative targeting, do not click. Instead, remove the target from his view, wait until he looks up at you again, and then lower the target for him to touch with his nose.

Timing is essential. Whatever action you click is reinforced. Click at the same time the cat touches the target. Do not click before or after the touch.

This is a perfect first exercise. Although basic, touching the target teaches the trainer and trainee the fundamentals of clicker training while building a mutual language. Touching a target is the building block for learning how to clicker train to modify unwanted behaviors and teach complex tricks.

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Sudan jumps through a hoop.

To learn how to use clicker training to help change behaviors and teach cats tricks, check out my book, Naughty No More! 

Got a cat behavior question for Marilyn? Ask our behaviorist in the comments below and you might be featured in an upcoming column. If you suspect a behavioral problem, always rule out any possible medical issues that may be causing the behavior by first having your cat examined by a veterinarian. Marilyn can also help you resolve cat behavior challenges through a consultation.

Read more about cats and behavior:

• Are Laser Pointers Actually Good Cat Toys?
• 5 Reasons Not to Punish Your Cat
• How to Deal with Play Aggression in Ninja Attack Kittens

Here are some of the highlights of Mittens' texting activity. 

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"Nap or text? I can't decide." Photo by Bridget Sweeny

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"It's been 5 minutes and she hasn't returned my text. Annoying!" Photo by Bridget Sweeny

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"Tired of waiting for that text from Scooter. I'm napping." Photo by Bridget Sweeny

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What kind of texts would your cat send? Tell us in the comments!

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About the Author: Angie Bailey is a weird girl with freckles and giant smile who wants everyone to be her friend. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, and thinking about cats doing people things. Wrote a ridiculous humor book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that may or may not offend people. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food. 

Read more Mittens:

• Because You Love It, Mittens Is Now a Regular Catster Feature
• Because You Asked: Even MORE Texts From Mittens the Cat
• You Wanted MORE, So here's Round 3 of Text Messages From Mittens
• Text Messages From Mittens the Cat 

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Phoebe likes to play musical laundry baskets.

Personally, I don't see the big deal about baskets. The pile of clothing itself is far more comfy than folding myself up like a won ton in a plastic container. Trust me, I tried.

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I think warm laundry feels just fine without a basket. But then again, I'm not a cat.

Cats, on the other hand, somehow find a multitude of reasons why they think baskets are just plain awesome. Here are six of them:

1. Peep holes

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"I see you eating a second cupcake." Photo by candycanedisco

Cats are pretty sneaky, and the holes that usually line the sides of laundry baskets are the perfect little windows for kitties to keep tabs on the goings-on in the house. This is how they know we've left our pizza and glasses of water unattended.

2. You see nothing

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Phoebe: "I'm invisible."

Cats think tall baskets make them invisible. The funny part is, they don't realize the whole basket is usually covered with holes, so they really aren't hiding much at all. We won't tell them that, though. I often open the closet door and find Phoebe sitting in the basket just like this. Sometimes she's even sitting in complete darkness. Why? Cats are so weird.

3. Close quarters

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"A little privacy, please." Photo by Patrick Hoesly

Laundry baskets provide the perfect hideaway for clandestine cuddles. Cats love tight spaces and a cozy plastic love nest is just begging for up close and personal feline-to-feline fondling, bathing, and catnaps. At a friend's house, I once saw three cats chillin' in a rectangular laundry basket. When I approached them, they exited that thing like clowns piling out of a tiny car. Cue circus music! It was high-larious.

4. Expandable lounge area

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Phoebe loves the armholes.

Yes, cats love the tight quarters a laundry basket provides, but sometimes they feel the need to stretch a bit. Thank heaven for holes! There are no shortages of little openings all over most of these baskets, so kitty can expand her lounging space. They must keep in mind, however, that any protruding limb is fair game for humans to grab, kiss, or squeeze. And yes, we know where those feet have been. In the above photo, do you see Saffy sitting on the sofa, watching Phoebe leisurely lounge? That cat's sick with jealousy. She wants armholes of her own.

5. Howdy, neighbor!

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"Can I borrow a cup of catnip?" Photo by oskay

Side-by-side baskets present loads of opportunities for cats to play "pretend." They could imagine they're neighbors and gossip through the "windows." They'd borrow cups of catnip and plan neighborhood block parties. They could also pretend they're in the big house, play the harmonica, and bang their metal cup against the "bars." They'd pass bootleg nip and plan cell-block parties. What? You don't think cats can play the harmonica?

6. The rare-and-endangered "double stack"

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Phoebe: "If one basket is good, then ..."

Cats don't want to be greedy, but -- hold on, of course they want to be greedy! Who's more self-centered than a cat? A basket full of fresh laundry is the bomb, but the rare double-stack basket is a veritable explosion of comfort! I can just hear my cat settle down into the cushy luxury: "Ohhhh, my precious ..."  The above picture is also photographic evidence that I always need to fold laundry. As you can see, Phoebe obviously disagrees.

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I wanted to take a photo of Saffy in the basket. So of course, she suddenly doesn't like baskets.

Why does your cat love laundry baskets? Tell us about it in the comments!

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About the Author: Angie Bailey is a weird girl with freckles and giant smile who wants everyone to be her friend. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, and thinking about cats doing people things. Wrote a ridiculous humor book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that may or may not offend people. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.

Read more by Angie Bailey:

• My Cat Has a Bucket List With 8 Items on It
• 6 Cats Caught in the Act
• 8 Bumper Stickers Your Cat Would Put on His Car

Here’s a run-down of eight common kitty stereotypes.

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Orange tabby cat by Shutterstock

1. Ginger cats are more friendly than others

Maybe it’s because of Garfield the cat, or maybe it’s because people just seem to know more orange cats (whether they’re straight-up orange or orange tabby) and associate them with good experiences, but lots of people think ginger kitties make the ideal family pet.

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Once Kissy overcame her deepest trauma, she was a sweet and loving companion who loved to curl up with me after a long day.

2. But wait! Ginger cats are also thought of as more aggressive and flighty

I’m guessing this belief is a corollary of the stereotype that red-haired humans are hot-tempered and moody. Those poor ginger females are apparently in a constant state of PMS and ginger males are like the guys that get in huge fights every time they go out to a bar. Totally miserable roommates, right?

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Rosie says she's not arrogant, she's just misunderstood ... and a little shy. Photo by JaneA Kelley

3. White cats are snobs

Blame that cat food commercial with the white Persian eating gourmet food out of a crystal bowl for this one. Some research has revealed that white cats tend to be more timid than cats of other colors, and if you were a shy kid like I was, you probably got called a snob because your fear of approaching people was mistaken for arrogance and condescension.

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Calico cat on a roof by Shutterstock

4. Torties and calicos are stubborn and temperamental

Ah, this myth rears its ugly head again. The truth is that people who think a cat is going to have a certain temperament will approach that cat with the expectation of that behavior. And then there's the classic “Texas Sharpshooter” logical fallacy -- finding a pattern to fit a presumption -- which causes people to chalk up perfectly normal cat behavior to “tortitude."

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Too bad black cats like my Bella are always up to no good. Photo by JaneA Kelley

5. Black cats are untrustworthy

The poor black cat has earned an unjust reputation of being stubborn, suspicious, and even evil. Having grown up with black cats and met many of them in shelters, I’ve seen that they’re loyal to a fault, good-natured, and perhaps a bit shy depending on their early kittenhood experience.

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Woman and Siamese cat by Shutterstock

6. Siamese cats are crazy and demanding

If you’ve ever seen a Siamese cat in heat, you can probably understand where this misguided belief arose. While Meezers usually do stay close to their favorite person, it’s not from a demanding and needy nature, but from a deep connection. They may even pine for their human companions when left alone.

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This guy is the spittin' image of my Purr Bear, who, by the way, was quite intelligent! Tuxedo cat by Shutterstock

7. Tuxedo cats aren’t very smart

While Sylvester the cat of Looney Tunes fame is not exactly the sharpest claw on the paw, there’s no evidence to support the belief that tuxedo kitties are less intelligent than others.

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Tabby cats can get pretty nasty, too! Hissing cat by Shutterstock

8. Tabby cats love everyone

While my tabby boy, Thomas, is a lover and not a fighter, I’ve seen some pretty vicious barn cats and terrified-to-the-point-of-trembling shelter cats with stripy or blotchy fur.

Do your cats fit these stereotypes, or don’t they? Have you seen other kitty “racial profiles"? Share your thoughts (and pictures of your feline family) in the comments!

About JaneA Kelley: Punk-rock cat mom, science nerd, animal shelter volunteer, and all-around geek with a passion for bad puns, intelligent conversation, and role-play adventure games. She gratefully and gracefully accepts her status as chief cat slave for her family of feline bloggers, who have been writing their cat advice column, Paws and Effect, since 2003. JaneA dreams of making a great living out of her love for cats.

More on cats and behavior: 

• Do Tortoiseshell Cats Really Have "Tortitude"?
• 5 Reasons Calico Cats Are Endlessly Interesting to Me
• A New Study Shows People Judge Cats By Coat Color
• I'm SO Over the Myth of Black Cats as Bad Luck. Are You?

1. New carpet -- tall carpet 

Hardwood floors are nice, but lying on them for 18 hours at a go tends to make kitty totally numb. What she wants is carpet. Not berber -- don't try to pull that low-pile crap with her. She wants a deep ply, something thick and wooly she'll sink to her belly in and then trudge from room to room enveloped in luxurious velvet loop. Eight-inch-high carpet is, of course, a custom job. Get your wallet out. And your 401(k).

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Your new carpet should completely cover this kitten. Scottish Fold by Shutterstock.

2. A nice water feature

You know those outdoor pools that go under walls and pop up in the bedroom or the foyer or something? (Everyone here reads Luxe Interiors + Design Magazine, right?) Well, your cat would like a pool like that, one-foot deep, circumnavigating all the rooms in the house and filled with fat, slow-witted carp. Frogs would be nice, too, and a sampling of waterfowl (nothing too aggressive -- no terns are anything). Oh, and make it babble like a brook. No dragonflies. 

3. A new litter box in the shape of a room 

Hey, you get your own room to conduct affairs -- why should the cat have to share his space with the washer and dryer or (God help your house) the refrigerator? Your cats would like a little Zen retreat to call their own, featuring a nice bed of litter. Think of it as top soil. Make sure it goes wall to wall; you can clean it from the doorway with one of the long-handled rakes or something. It'll be like indoor gardening, only instead of harvesting something like peonies or heirloom tomatoes, you'll be harvesting crap. Good times!   

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If your litter room doesn't look as perfect as this, start again, Grasshopper. Zen by Shutterstock.

4. How about a giant hole in the roof? 

Sun puddles are nice, but they're too small and they move too fast. What your cat wants is not a sun puddle but a sun pool -- a sun lake, a sun lagoon, a sun cove. A sun fjord? A sun ocean, bathing the living room and all attendant rooms in deep, thick layer of UV rays, which can be accomplished only by just vaporizing three-quarters of your roof. Get your sledge out. 

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This homeowner correctly renovated his home for his cat. Ariel view by Shutterstock.

5. A new cat bowl for the kitchen

The centerpiece of a kitchen is, of course, the cat bowl. So why is the cat bowl nudged in the corner, tucked out of sight? The eye should be drawn to the majesty of the cat bowl, the visual manifestation of the glory of feeding time, and the only way to do that is to build a five-foot-tall pyramid topped with a gold -- or sliver, for those on a budget -- cat bowl. This, you place in the kitchen. Twice a day, you ascend the pyramid, holding chicken aloft. Supplicating, you lower the chicken, intoning prayers. Don't worry, your guests will love the pageantry.

Oh, and don't worry about putting a water dish up there. You'll be building a waterfall for that.

Cats are funny. We prove it in these posts:

• Summer Camp for Cats: We Examine Six Brochures
• They Call This Cat PRINCESS Monster Truck for a Reason
• In the Old Days, Cats Smoked Cigars While Roasting Chickens

Two idiots, to be exact: my gray tabby, Bubba Lee Kinsey, and my calico, Phoenix.

They are probably my favorite living things on this planet, but if Phoenix was human, I suspect she’d be a ditzy cheerleader. Bubba would be a refrigerator-sized meathead occupying the corner stool at the local dive bar.

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Bubba Lee Kinsey is smart enough not to be amused by my penchant for selfies.

I am, however, judging them by human standards. It is probably unreasonable, due to the language barrier, for me to expect my kitties to understand the phrase, “But I’m TIRED!” when they wake me up to be fed at 5 a.m. I’ve also got to consider that evolution and not sheer persistent lunacy is at play when they act scared of the vacuum cleaner even though it has never hurt them.

That’s why I decided to give my cats a few intelligence tests that are more on their level. I know the entire notion of whether these mysterious, aloof beasts can even be tested for intelligence is up for debate, but I still thought it would be a fun experiment. Here are the results.

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Is Bubba Lee Kinsey smart enough to find the treats after I've hidden them?

Test 1: kitty vs. blanket

Since there are not many cat-specific intelligence tests out there (apparently these creatures defy logic and explanation), I adapted this one from a test intended for dogs. I figured it would still be valid since both are intended to test spatial reasoning and problem solving. (Please note that I use the term “valid” loosely, as the primary purpose of these tests is entertainment at the expense of my cats.)

First, you need a blanket and an unsuspecting cat.

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Bubba Lee Kinsey has no idea what awaits him.

Make sure the cat is awake and alert, then cover her with the blanket and time how long it takes her to puzzle her way out.

The first time, I covered Phoenix with a full-size blanket, which proved to be too much for her. After about 45 seconds, I felt bad and had to help her. Fair enough, I thought -- after all, I always panicked when I got caught beneath the giant parachute in elementary school gym class.

So, the second time I folded the blanket in half. And Phoenix curled up underneath it and started purring.

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Phoenix failed this particular test.

Well, that can’t be good. To be honest, though, burrowing under the blankets of my freshly made bed is one of her favorite pastimes.

Bubba Lee Kinsey, however, found his way out within ten seconds. Good job, Bubba!

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Way to go, Bubba Lee Kinsey!

Test 2: kitty vs. treats

For this one, you need kitty treats, a clear glass, and an unsuspecting cat.

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Again, Bubba has no idea.

Show the cat the treats. Let her smell them -- and perhaps even lick them a bit. Then let her watch as you put the treats beneath the clear glass, where she can still see them, and time how long it takes her to retrieve the treats from beneath the glass.

Bubba Lee Kinsey and Phoenix both failed this test rather miserably. Bubba thought begging me for more treats was the answer.

Meanwhile, Phoenix just gave up.

Test 3: online quizzes

According to this online quiz, here are some things to consider when gauging your cat’s intelligence:

• How is your cat’s long-term memory? Does she flee at the sight of the pet carrier? (Both of my cats do.)
• Has your cat ever learned how to do something, like open a cupboard or flush the toilet, just by watching you do it? (My cats, thankfully, have not.)
• If you move your cat’s litter box or food dish, how long does it take her to figure out the new location? (Mine figure it out almost immediately.)
• If your cat sees a bird through the window, does she bang her head against the glass trying to catch it, or does she ask to be let outside? (My cats are not allowed outside, but they do not act as though catching the bird through the window is a real possibility.)
• How does your cat act if the litter box needs cleaning? (My Phoenix will wait until I’m near the litter box, and she’ll stand in front of it, look up at me, and meow pathetically.)

Here’s another silly test you can take online. I took it for both of my cats, and they both fell in the “average” category -- which sounds just about right.

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All quizzing and testing aside, I love my cats even if they’re idiots -- especially if they’re idiots. When I look in their eyes, I see soul and understanding, and that is enough for me.

Also, they’re smart enough to use the litter box. That helps, too. 

Have you ever given your cat a test like these? How did she do? Does it even matter? Let us know in the comments!

About Angela: This not-crazy-at-all cat lady loves to lint-roll her favorite dress and go out dancing. She also frequents the gym, the vegan coffee joint, and the warm patch of sunlight on the living room floor. She enjoys a good cat rescue story about kindness and decency overcoming the odds, and she's an enthusiastic recipient of headbutts and purrs from her two cats, Bubba Lee Kinsey and Phoenix.

More by Angela Lutz:

• 5 Fascinating Facts About Polydactyl Cats
• 5 Reasons to Love Your Cats' Kneading You
• 5 Reasons You Should Play with Your Cat Every Day

We’re not supposed to, of course. Just like you’re really not supposed to like one of your human kinds more than the other ... but do you, anyway?

Maybe you always say hi to one of your cats first when you get home. Or maybe you always sneak one of them an extra treat at treat time. Or maybe you pet them a little bit more often.

Let’s face it: One of your kitties is probably mommy or daddy’s special girl or boy.

In my house, it happens, but not with me (at least not that I’m admitting!). My boyfriend, however, loves Moo. Moo gets picks up all the time, cuddled and coddled and even called into bed. Pimp gets a pet here or there and gets attention when he’s around, but not like Moo.

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His favorite.

And it’s blatant, too. He has no shame about loving Moo more, and I kind of get it. Moo is a whore. He demands attention, and you can’t spend five seconds anywhere in the house without him being right there, on your lap or begging to be picked up.

Pimp, on the other hand, is a quiet old man who is content in one of his favorite spots, napping or relaxing. He gets on my lap and in bed next to me, but he doesn't do it as much with the boyfriend, so it’s no wonder Moo ranks higher in his mind. He just seems to like him more, and we tend to like people who like us.

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My favorites.

I get it, but it makes me feel bad for Pimp, so I find myself paying a little extra attention to him to make up for it. Pimp is 14 years old and has been with me his whole life. Moo came into our lives four years ago. My boyfriend doesn’t know life without Moo, but I have 10 years of extra history with Pimp, so I want to make sure he always feels super loved and still special –- regardless of this attention whore who lives with us now.

If the BF spends 80 percent of his cat time with Moo, and I spend 50 percent of my cat time with Moo, then you can see that the math works out way in Moo’s favor. So I try to pay special attention to Pimp.

But then here’s the thing: Now I feel like I’m playing favorites with Pimp, and I feel bad about my Moo time!

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The attention whore.

I have always made it an extreme point not to show favoritism. When Moo first came into our home, I told them both I loved them, but I always made sure to tell Pimp, “I love you first.” So that he knows he’s not replaced or missing out on attention he used to get all to himself.

If I'm playing with Da Bird with one hand for Moo, I'm throwing mice with my other hand for Pimp (of course they like to play with different kinds of toys). If I'm in bed, they each have their spots and get equal love before we go to sleep.

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Just because I'm nappy doesn't mean I don't want attention!

But it's still easy to see how Moo could end up as a favorite, just because he's more assertive and "fun" to be around. He likes the attention more, so it just makes sense that he gets more.

Do you do this with your cats? Do you find yourself calling one over to the couch more often or taking more pictures of one than the others? Flip through your phone pics and see! You just might surprise yourself.

Or maybe you're like me and try extra hard not to show favoritism.

Which one of your cats is mommy or daddy's little kitty? Let us know in the comments!

Read more by Dorian Wagner:

• I Can’t Do Anything Without My Cats’ Help -- I Mean, Who Can?
• Do You Remember Your First Cat?
• 7 Things I Can't Do These Days Because I Have Cats
• He's Into You, He's Just Not Into Cats? We Can Change That!

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From her perch in the sky, Bella checks out the opossum digging in the neighbors' yard.

When my cats look back on the time they spent in the country, they see what they're grateful for now that they live the urban life. Here's a comparison in text and photos.

1. Better cat trees

My little studio carved out of a post-and-beam barn did offer some opportunities for my cats to climb, but the rewards were limited and the perches were uncomfortable.

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You mean I climbed all the way up here and there's only 8 inches between my feet and the ceiling? And about that view ... eh, not so great.

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Now THIS is more like it! Thanks, Mama.

2. Better television

If you grew up in the country, far from the reaches of cable TV, you'll remember that you had maybe three or four channels available -- and even then, you'd spend as much time moving the antenna to get decent reception as you'd spend watching. I bet you didn't know cats like having more viewing options, too.

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Different rural home, same idea. Dahlia's sick of watching the same old shows every day.

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Thomas loves having eight different channels to watch. Here, he's even getting a little pervy sneaking a look at the Neighbors In The Bathroom channel!

3. Better smell-o-vision

I always thought the scents I brought in from my treks around the country homestead intrigued my cats, but I guess I was wrong. See for yourself.

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Chickens and dog poop again? *sigh*

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Ooh, what's this? Other cats? Oh, and chicken tandoori? Hmm, I detect a faint scent of artsy hipsterness, too.

4. More modern conveniences ... like not shivering in the winter

One of the hardest things about life in my country home -- aside from having to truck 50-pound jugs of water up rickety stairs and do my business in an outhouse -- was the fact that it was always cold. But in our new home, the cats can stretch out full-length, even on an arctic Maine winter day.

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Thomas's love affair with the heater sometimes left him with singed fur.

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Here in our city home, you can be warm no matter where you are. But if you really want to go deluxe, you can curl up in a heated cat bed.

5. Better food

Back in the country, my cats had to live on kibble because, well, I was just too poor to go with the deluxe food I wanted to give them. Now they get the very best, and they don't even have to work for it.

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Poor Thomas was forced to supplement his substandard diet with mice.

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Here in the city, Thomas gets his super-premium raw food delivered direct to his dish.

6. No competition for cuteness

When you live on a country homestead with non-feline animals who are constantly having babies, people ooh and aah over the other critters while forgetting the inherent cuteness of cats. In their new urban home, my cats always win the "awwww" contest.

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For some reason, my brother and sister-in-law thought baby goats are cuter than my cats. The nerve!

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Now everybody praises my cats' gorgeous sweetness. Even Siouxsie's angry snuggles are awesomely cute!

7. Better sun puddles

Back in the country, my cats' sunbathing options were sadly limited. The only two windows in my place faced the morning sun, and in the winter I had to put blankets over one of them so we wouldn't freeze to death. Now the kitties get sun puddles all day, any time the skies are clear.

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"Sure, this sun puddle is nice enough, I suppose," Siouxsie says, "but it's only available for a couple of hours a day."

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"Now, THIS is more like it!" Siouxsie says. "I can sun bathe all day if I want to ... if Dahlia would quit hogging my spot."

8. No attack geese!

Don't fool yourself: Geese are mean! Here in the city, nobody is barred from getting into the house by an aggressive gander guarding his harem!

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"STAY AWAY FROM MAH WOMEN!"

Do your cats prefer life in the country or life in the city? Or how about suburbia? Let us know in the comments!

About JaneA Kelley: Punk-rock cat mom, science nerd, animal shelter volunteer, and all-around geek with a passion for bad puns, intelligent conversation, and role-play adventure games. She gratefully and gracefully accepts her status as chief cat slave for her family of feline bloggers, who have been writing their cat advice column, Paws and Effect, since 2003. JaneA dreams of making a great living out of her love for cats.

More by JaneA on life with cats: 

• 7 Ways My Cats Live Better Than I Do
• High School Was Homophobic Hell for Me; A School Cat Would Have Helped
• You've Probably Adopted a Cat; Has a Cat Ever Adopted You?
• 7 Ways My Cats Are the Perfect Antidote for High Drama

Actually, I think cats are pretty badass.

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"Who you callin' cute?" Angry Cat Wearing Spiked Collar by Shutterstock

I believe kitties are totally underestimated. For example, my little 6.5-pound Phoebe went nose to nose with a giant Lab through the window screen. She knew he was in her yard and wasn't about to back down. I was totally blown away! They may be little, but they can pack a punch.

Here are six ways I think cats are totally badass.

1. They don't care what we think

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"That's right, I'll help myself." Photo of Sophia by Kari Achenbach

Unlike dogs, who seem to feel remorse when they've committed a no-no, most cats couldn't care less. "Yeah, I'm on the counter eating your turkey sandwich -- what of it?" They walk across our heads while we're sleeping, lounge on top of the clean clothes we've laid out for the evening, and drink out of our water glasses. Sure, we can remove them, but they'll be back ... along with their arrogant attitudes and sense of entitlement.

2. They do everything on their terms

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Saffy: "No."

"You want me to play with that catnip mouse again? Um, I'm not feelin' it, bro." Cats like to be the ones in charge of their choices. And I honestly think they sometimes secretly want to do what we're suggesting, but would rather act contrary about it. Just because. Who's the boss? Not Tony Danza.

3. Their body language is fierce

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"Do I intimidate you? I thought so." Kitten Jumping Sideways by Shutterstock

You know that crazy side-jump move kittens make when they're trying to act fierce? You know what I mean. Sometimes it seems like they do it just to do it -- there's no visible enemy afoot. I think they're probably practicing. They end up looking more cute and funny than intimidating, but we better not laugh at them. Ever. Even kittens are badass.

4. They own the Internet

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Phoebe: "You want some of this? Get in line."

Who owns the Internet more than cats do? This is not a trick question. Nobody. Cat videos rule YouTube, and you can't scan a Facebook newsfeed these days without seeing the likes of Lil Bub and Grumpy Cat. Owning the Internet is a huge deal, and kitties know that this gives them mega-leverage when it comes to badassery.

5. They take what they want

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Phoebe: "Want. Now."

Cats don't ask. Period. When they see something they want, they simply go for it. They don't even care that their quest involves blatant no-no actions. They'll jump on the counter to score a scrap, cruise across a desk to snag a pencil, and dive bomb another cat to jack a box. What's tougher than that? Maybe owning the Internet? Check. 

6. They can rock a look

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"Yes?" Angry Sphynx Cat by Shutterstock

Dogs' looks are plaintive. Cats glare. And those glares aren't begging for anything. They're demanding everything. They don't even feel the need to open their mouths to express themselves. The eyes say it all. Plus, have you ever taken a photo of a cat that resulted in an evil, laser-eyed kitty pic? They plan those photos. They're warnings to us that their glare can be photographically amplified. Psychically altering photos? Don't even tell me that's not badass.

In what ways is your cat tough as nails? Tell us about it in the comments! 

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About the Author: Angie Bailey is a weird girl with freckles and giant smile who wants everyone to be her friend. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, and thinking about cats doing people things. Wrote a ridiculous humor book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that may or may not offend people. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.

Read more by Angie Bailey:

• My Cat Has a Bucket List With 8 Items on It
• 6 Cats Caught in the Act
• 8 Bumper Stickers Your Cat Would Put on His Car

But let's get real -- my cats' behavior can also make them hellish nightmare beasts, and sometimes I want to banish them from the living room for a while (just, like, an hour) so I can eat dinner or read a book without getting fur in my mouth and paws in my face. In that kind of behavior, I can find only so much humor.

Here are five reasons why my cats piss me off.

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Sometimes I'm crazy about my cats. Other times they just make me crazy.

1. Eating cereal should not require acrobatics

I am more than willing to make sacrifices for my cats. I have accepted that I will never have nice things, for example, and that I cannot wear black pants at home. I am okay with lint-rolling myself every morning before work, and the discovery of the occasional hairball in my flip-flop does not faze me.

But sometimes -- just once a day for approximately 15 minutes -- I would like to sit down and eat cereal without holding the bowl above my head to keep whiskered faces from penetrating my Frosted Mini-Wheats. It can be exhausting to use my feet to hold back two meowing house tigers (who are apparently starving and will die unless I share my food with them) while I hastily shovel cereal into my face-hole.

I mean, really. Cut the crap, drama queens.

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Bubba Lee Kinsey and Phoenix will have whatever I'm having.

2. Houseplants are not beds

I have several houseplants that are more than 10 years old. I have kept them alive through all-night study sessions, benders, and multiple moves, and I'm stupidly proud of that fact.

One of my favorites is a majestic snake plant named Steve. Despite Steve's spiky leaves, Bubba Lee Kinsey has mistaken the wise old plant for a bed more than once. Both times I was able to salvage what was left of the ailing plant and repot it, which was somewhat miraculous considering Bubba's preference for napping on loose dirt, smashed leaves, and shards of broken pottery.

The worst part was Bubba's nonchalance upon my discovery of his destruction. "Whatever, lady," his face seemed to say as he stretched luxuriously and gazed up at me while my eyes filled with tears.

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Behold: Steve the majestic spider plant, aka Bubba's favorite spot to nap.

3. You are not "helping" with the laundry

PHOENIX! No! Clawing at the sleeves of my shirts and swatting at my underwear as I fold them is NOT helpful. Neither is plopping your white, furry body down on my black tank tops. You leave behind a layer of loose, downy floof, which coats my clothing like a layer of mesh -- except the only thing it's protecting me from is social acceptance.

I cannot go out that way. You realize I hate doing the laundry, right? If I had known this was going to happen I could have gone to bed instead of watching the "Soup Nazi" episode of Seinfeld for the 15th time while waiting for that last load to dry.

Dammit. You know what? Just forget it. I'll deal with it in the morning.

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I forgive Phoenix for getting hair on my clothes because of midwinter snuggle parties like this one.

4. My leg is not a predator

BUBBA LEE KINSEY! No! My leg is not a threat to you. It is, in fact, connected to the torso that's connected to the arm that's connected to the hand that feeds you.

Remember that time you bit me so hard that the wound got infected and I needed antibiotics? Remember how the doctor was so alarmed upon learning that not only had the bite wound come from an average every day kitty cat, but a cat who was my pet who lives in my home and sleeps in my bed?

You know what? Just forget it. I'll just hide in the bathroom until you've calmed down.

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Bubba Lee Kinsey has a naughty streak.

5. This is not a raging kegger, so please do not vomit in my bed

Enough said.

About Angela: This not-crazy-at-all cat lady loves to lint-roll her favorite dress and go out dancing. She also frequents the gym, the vegan coffee joint, and the warm patch of sunlight on the living room floor. She enjoys a good cat rescue story about kindness and decency overcoming the odds, and she's an enthusiastic recipient of headbutts and purrs from her two cats, Bubba Lee Kinsey and Phoenix.

More by Angela Lutz:

• 5 Fascinating Facts About Polydactyl Cats
• 5 Reasons to Love Your Cats' Kneading You
• 5 Reasons You Should Play with Your Cat Every Day

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Me and a friend in the late 1980s. Kitty better not strike a match.

I'd love to look back at my yearbook and see whether any of the senior superlative recipients went on to realize the titles. I wasn't awarded a superlative, but I probably would have won the "Most Likely to Cause a Small Aqua-Net-Induced Fire." Yeah, I graduated in the 1980s, when our hair was shellacked with cheap hair products and didn't move at all when we thrashed about on the dance floor to songs by A Flock of Seagulls.

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"Success is a given. Duh." Cat in Graduation Cap by Shutterstock

If cats graduated from high school, they'd certainly incorporate senior superlatives into their end-of-year festivities. Here are eight superlatives and the cats who might earn them.

1. Most Likely to Use Nontraditional Methods to Catch Mice

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"Physics was my best subject." Photo of Reeses by Donna Bailey

Reeses wins this one, paws down. Always the blue ribbon winner at the science fairs, he consistently wowed his teachers with cutting edge contraptions and inventive methods for flea control and under-sofa toy removal. 

2. Most Likely to Be a Lifelong Bachelor

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"I had three prom dates." Photo of Hector by Nicky Westbrook

Hector was the guy who always had a lady on his arm. Known for his smooth-talking manner and extended co-bathing sessions behind Walmart, he was a total Casanova. Or Fonzie.

3. Most Likely to Join a Food Thievery Ring

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"I have my eye on you. And your future food." Photo of Rocco by Char Riedinger

Rocco was the cat who stole other cats' lunch money. And you never, ever turned your back in the cafeteria on tuna taco day, because her paws were lightning fast and she made no apologies to anyone. 

4. Best Dog Duper

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"The dog is pathetic." Photo of Frances the cat and Etta the dog by Marina Dickey

Frances was often seen throwing dice with the neighborhood mutts behind the school. A skilled card shark and con artist, she always had plenty of money and pockets full of catnip. The dogs never caught on and continued to meet her each afternoon in attempts to win back their cash. Oh, dogs ... they never learn. 

5. Cutest Couple

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"Cosmo and his lady are together 4-ever."

Cosmo and Roberta have been dating since freshman year and, despite Roberta's often rigid exterior and introverted nature, they were the most popular couple at school. In not-so-surprising landslide votes, they were voted both homecoming and prom king and queen. Cosmo swears it was because of his natural tuxedo, but everyone knew it was because they were the couple everyone wanted to be.

6. Best Fake Ferocity

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"Be afraid. For real." Photo of Cody by Caren Gittleman

Cody was a big talker and thought he had serious moves. The trouble was, no one really took him seriously. Once he went after Rocco when she lifted his tuna taco. He wound up accidentally karate-chopping the lunch lady and landed himself in detention for a week. 

7. Most Likely to Wire Catnip Funds to Nigeria

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"Password protected ... whatever." Photo of Gus by Susie Shubert

Gus's nickname was "Gullible Gus." Oreo once told him sleeping in sun puddles caused fleas. He stayed out of the sun for a solid six months. He was also known for his superstitious behavior and constantly spammed his Facebook friends with obnoxious chain letters.

8. Best Hair

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"Hair I am!" Photo of Hector by Nicky Westbrook

Hector wins again. For the last few months of his senior year, he grew his hair into a giant blonde afro and was even more of a lady magnet, if that was even possible. They loved running their paws through his lovely locks, and Hector adored it, because he knew the co-bathing sessions behind Walmart would last twice as long.

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"Most likely to be awesome." Cat Sitting Outside in Graduation Cap by Shutterstock

What type of senior superlative would your cat win? Tell us about it in the comments!

About the Author: Angie Bailey is a weird girl with freckles and giant smile who wants everyone to be her friend. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, and thinking about cats doing people things. Wrote a ridiculous humor book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that may or may not offend people. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.

Read more by Angie Bailey:

• My Cat Has a Bucket List With 8 Items on It
• 6 Cats Caught in the Act
• 8 Bumper Stickers Your Cat Would Put on His Car

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Wakey, wakey!

Wajiha may have been asking that question sarcastically, but there are real, rational reasons why your cat is such a reliable alarm clock -- and here they are.

1. Your cat is a creature of routine ...

After sharing a home with you for even a few days, your feline friend will get to know your schedule at least as well as you do. If you wake up at a certain time to get ready for work, your cat will figure that out -- not because she can read a clock, but because she can read you.

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Cats are comfortable with routine, and they'll come to understand yours. Cat and clock by Shutterstock

2. ... And “routine” means seven days a week

It takes a while for a cat to grasp the concept of weekends, so get accustomed to being rousted out of bed at the same time or within an hour of your typical workday wake-up time. The good news is that as your cat settles in, she’ll start to understand that you sleep later on your days off and will adapt to that schedule. These regularly occurring late-sleep days become another routine.

3. Your cat can tell when you’re waking up

Humans’ sleep cycle consists of five stages, ranging in depth from barely napping to so deeply asleep it would be hard to rouse you even in an emergency. Through each stage of sleep, your respiration, heartbeat, and activity levels change, and you go through four or five of these cycles a night. Once you’re at a light enough stage of sleep to respond to your cat’s kind attentions, she’ll be right over to help you start your day.

4. Your cat feels hungry in the morning, too

I don’t know about you, but when I get up in the morning I’m ravenous. The same is true of your cat, especially if you feed her just after you get out of bed. If your cat is hungry and you’re starting to wake up, kitty will be happy to help motivate you to get going.

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Cat and fisherman at sunset by Shutterstock

5. Your cat is most active when you’re about to wake up

Cats are crepuscular creatures, which is a fancy way of saying that they’re most active at dawn and dusk. Their vision is best adapted for the light levels of these “in between” times, so that’s when they do their hunting, playing, and socializing.

Keep in mind that a cat who helps you to wake up when you’re getting ready to wake up is not the same as a cat who wakes you up at 4 a.m. begging for attention or food. If you've got a midnight wailer, Catster behaviorist Marilyn Krieger has some tips for you about how to retrain her.

Do you have a cat who helps you wake up? If you work nights or odd shifts, how does your cat deal with that? Finally, do you have any more “weird cat science” questions? Please share in the comments!

About JaneA Kelley: Punk-rock cat mom, science nerd, animal shelter volunteer, and all-around geek with a passion for bad puns, intelligent conversation, and role-play adventure games. She gratefully and gracefully accepts her status as chief cat slave for her family of feline bloggers, who have been writing their cat advice column, Paws and Effect, since 2003. JaneA dreams of making a great living out of her love for cats.

More on cats and sleep:

• A Guide to the Feline Sleep Cycle
• 5 Facts About Cats and Sleep
• My Cat Sleeps in My Bed -- and Causes Chaos
• Help! My Cat, Puccini, Wakes Me Up Wailing at 4:30 a.m.!
• I Rely on My Feline Alarm Clock. Do Your Cats Wake You Up?

What if cats went to school to hone their skills in some of the more compulsory kitty crafts? What would a cat's report card look like? I have some ideas, along with possible teacher comments.

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Kitty needs a hiding tutor.

1. Introduction to Obstruction

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Phoebe reminds me that's she's #1 on my to-do list.

Teacher's comments: Pancake shows consistent effort in demonstrating the skills necessary to prevent humans from completing day-to-day tasks. He excels in extended lap-lounging and shows promise in the area of chair-jacking. I would, however, like to see a bit more practice in the area of computer keyboard obstruction. I am available after class if he'd like additional help. 

2. Alarm Clockery

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Cosmo: "Soon."

Teacher's comments: Pancake excels at the skill of knowing exactly when to wake humans and the proper timing for pre-waking whining. On the final exam, I was impressed with his precision in walking across a human's full bladder exactly 30 minutes prior to feeding time. If he is interested, I would like to offer him a T.A. position next term.

3. Boxing Lab

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Saffy is always looking for extra credit.

Teacher's comments: Pancake scored well in all the practical exercises, but I'd like to have seen him really push himself into trying boxes of all sizes, including ones he thought were way to small for his frame. He seemed self-conscious of his size and did not venture beyond the safety of a shoebox. I would like to see him work on this issue at home. Please let me know if you need assistance locating small boxes -- we have a lending program at school.

4. Gift Wrapping 101

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"Technique is everything." Photo by Lori L. Stalteri

Teacher's comments: Pancake seemed to enjoy this class. During bow-stealing demonstrations, he often volunteered to assist. He worked well in his small group, which went on to score well in the final project: "5 Steps for Preventing a Human from Wrapping a Holiday Gift." I believe his high score in "Introduction to Obstruction" helped his efforts and interest in this course. I'd like to see him develop a greater comfort with gift boxes of all sizes (see Boxing Lab comments).

5. Bathe Your Neighbor

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"I love my lab partner." Cats Bathing by Shutterstock

Teacher's comments: Pancake learned new bathing methods quite easily and worked well with his project partners. He showed particular talent in cleaning the inside of his partners' ears. His grasp was gentle, yet firm, and his work was thorough. He was also a patient recipient, even when his partner's technique was less than polished. I would recommend he register for the follow-up class, "Fight-Stop-Bathe-Stop-Fight," designed to help students with the constant back-and-forth cats often experience when play-fighting with another cat. The curriculum is intense, but I believe he can handle it. Let me know if you need a written recommendation.

6. Intermediate Hiding Techniques

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Cosmo needs a refresher course.

Teacher's comments: Pancake consistently showed below-average effort and skills and this class. I offered to connect him with a tutor, but he refused. During classwork and tests, he demonstrated difficulty completely hiding his body; usually, a tail, ear, or paw was visible. During one pop quiz, the back half of his loafed form protruded from behind the file cabinet. I recommend he register for a summer course and practice with a tutor.

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"Straight A's in napping." Cat Napping and Chalkboard By Shutterstock

What grades would your cat receive on his report card? Tell us about it in the comments!

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About the Author: Angie Bailey is a weird girl with freckles and giant smile who wants everyone to be her friend. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, and thinking about cats doing people things. Wrote a ridiculous humor book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that may or may not offend people. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.

Read more by Angie Bailey:

• 7 Sounds That Make My Cats Run Like They've Lost Their Minds
• 5 Ways My Cats Play It Cool in Really Embarrassing Moments
• Because You Love It, Texts From Mittens is Now a Regular Feature!

Most of us are privy to common displays of cattitude, like knocking earrings off the bedstand (never to be seen again), sips taken out of our freshly poured water, or the cold shoulder after a weekend away. However, in almost a year living with my adopted kitty, Tulip, I've learned something. Believe it or not, cats actually do give a lump in their litter box about people, and each other. 

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Me and Tulip, who is giving the camera a ton of cattitude.

I wrote about Tulip the Tank and her gluttonous ways, as well as her disdain for the great outdoors. I must preface all the mushy things I'm going to say about her compassionate nature with the harsh reality that my sweet little calico does, in fact, exhibit a pretty major cattitude. Perhaps the most notable facet of Tulip's cattitude is that she has somehow managed to identify my pet peeves, and she uses them against me! 

For example, if it's 6:15 a.m., my usual wake-up time on work days, and I've not yet risen to feed her, Tulip knows exactly how to force me out of bed. Of course, she starts out with the traditional feline pleas. She walks all over me, pounces on my feet, meows agonizingly, and paws at my face. However, I've gotten pretty good at ignoring these predictable attacks of cattitude. Sometimes I even think it's just part of a bad dream and roll over to catch a few more ZZZs.

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Of course I couldn't take her photo while trimming her claws. I'd lose too much blood that way.

But the second Tulip saunters over to the blinds covering the window next to my bed and starts swiping, that chilling scrape, scrape, scrape sound goes right through me and shakes off any last bit of slumber. Within seconds, I'm sleepily pouring food into her bowl.

Tulip displays another example of her personal brand of cattitude during the daunting task of nail trimming. Although it has improved, when I first adopted Tulip, it took three adults to hold her down and swaddle her to start the process. Her angelic little face would stare out at us from inside my oversized beach towel, with accusatory green eyes that seemed to say, "Just try it." Sometimes we wouldn't even finish clipping one nail before she bolted. If we did manage to hold her down, she let out a series of guttural cries, which sounded more like we were amputating her paws than trying to give her a simple nail trim. 

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Tulip hanging out with his poorly roommate, Jack.

I had Tulip for three months before I witnessed my first example of a diminished cattitude and a subsequent display of cat kindness. It was August, and I had visited a local farm festival at which I made the poor decision of eating a hamburger for lunch -- a hamburger that had likely been sitting outside for hours in 95 degree heat before being cooked. Ugh! When the food poisoning inevitably hit me a few hours later, Tulip was extremely uneasy. She followed me from the bathroom to my bed, from my bed to the bathroom floor, from the bathroom to the couch, all the time with a confused look of pity on her face. I remember catching her eye as I hugged the toilet, seeing her little head cocked to the side, staring at me in concern. 

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We check out the critters in the street together.

Between bathroom breaks, Tulip attached herself to me like a barnacle to a whale. She snuggled up into my armpit, nuzzled under my neck, and purred soothingly. She didn't try to play or even ask for food at feeding times! Her genuine concern was a welcome surprise and comfort. I never expected affection and understanding from the type of pet that so many deem "standoffish" and "overly independent." A visiting friend even commented, "Is she always this sweet and snuggly or is she worried about you?"

Cat kindness doesn't just extend to people, either. A few months later, Tulip displayed a similar sympathy toward a close feline friend. It was my roommate's cat, Jack, to whom I like to refer as her "catmate." Jack is a very healthy, active cat, who typically doesn't slow down for long. One night as I was cooking and my roommate was at work, I remember being surprised that Jack wasn't hanging out in the kitchen. I heard an unusual coughing sound coming from the pantry. I peeked in to witness Jack throwing up, which is common for Tulip the Tank, but a rarity for him.

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Tulip guards Jack against ... well, whatever's off the edge of the bed.

"Poor Jack-Jack," I cooed, as Tulip came racing into the room, halting right in front of Jack. She swiftly sniffed the vomit, eyes darting to Jack, then to me. Staring lovingly at Jack, she let out the cutest, concerned meow. 

Given these events -- and in combination with the little bouts of affection that Tulip and all cats demonstrate toward those they love -- I propose a new definition of the word "cattitude" that more appropriately sums up the complex, enchanting personality of cats.

Cattitude: The exquisite balance of cunning and kindness displayed by domesticated felines that allows for an entertaining, happy home for all.

After all, wouldn't our beloved cats be just a little bit boring without their cattitude?

Does your cat have cattitude? Let's hear about it! Share your stories in the comments!

Read more on cats with attitude:

• Do Tortoiseshell Cats Really Have "Tortitude"? 
• I Rely on My Feline Alarm Clock. Do Your Cats Wake You Up?
• Help! My Cat, Puccini, Wakes Me Up Wailing at 4:30 a.m.! 

We got our hands on some promotion materials for some of these camps. 

1. Camp Chicken

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Chicken and cat by Shutterstock.

At the end of Camp Chicken, all campers will have stalked, brought down, and consumed a whole chicken. That is our guarantee to you. Are you cat enough to take it? There are no cans of chicken at Camp Chicken -- there are no can openers, no bags of Innova, no Wild West Friskies Treats. There are only 75 chickens, three acres, and you, alone with your claws and teeth and innate predatorial knowledge of edible organs. This is what you've dreamed about. 

Camp Chicken: You will kill and eat a whole chicken®

2. Camp Nap

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Cat sleeps by Shutterstock.

Days at Camp Nap begin bright and early at four in the afternoon. Nappers meet on the napping mat to receive instruction in official Camp Nap napping from the chief napper; napping lesson ends when the chief napper naps. Note: If nappers file onto the napping mat and the chief napper is already napping, Camp Nap nappers are required to nap. Remember our slogan: "Everything begins with a nap." Remember our fight song: "We Nap, We Nap, We Zzzz..." Lunch is whenever. Dinner consists of chicken. I'm so tired. Hey, I have a great idea! 

Camp Nap: Isn't it time for another nap?® 

3. Camp stretch

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Red cat stretching by Shutterstock.

Camp stretch is a three-day camp best completed before Camp Nap. It is intense. Our trainers are all lithe Abyssinians who grew up in trees chasing flying squirrels and running from eagles. Mona, our lead stretcher, can curl herself into a pretzel while balancing on her rigid tail. Do not ask her to do this. Our lessons include proper post-nap and pre-nap stretching, which is vital if you intend to nap through next Tuesday. Advanced training includes sleep stretching. Do not ask Mona to show you this -- also do not look Mona in the eyes, or mew in her direction. Stretching class lasts for six hours every morning. Do not leave early (Mona).

Camp Stretch: Namaste, bitchez®

4. Camp Box

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Curious cat by Shutterstock.

Camp Box isn't so much a camp as it is a magical journey to the land where boxes are born. Okay, it's a trip to a box-making factory. For one night, the industrial lathes are quiet, the flap-and-crease machines are still, and cats enter the cavernous Worldwide Cardboard Box Co., thick with pungent scent of freshly milled corrugated cardboard and the seductive tang of sealing glue, to luxuriate, to play, to indulge. Cats are encouraged to follow their bliss -- some immediately squeeze into something two sizes too small and enter a meditative coma for the duration, while others jump from box to box for hours, arcing in the dusty air, the only sounds a deep, ancestral purr and the irresistible slap of paw pads hitting the bottoms of boxes. 

Camp Box: It's for lovers®

5. Camp Catnip 

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Addicted cat by Shutterstock.

Some say that Camp Catnip does not exist. Others speak of it in low tones, whispering coded messages through fences to passing strays. Societal norms do not apply at Camp Catnip, it does not have laws, it does not have codes of conduct, but what it does have is every kind of catnip you can imagine: flake, bud, tincture, spray, Humboldt Fuzz, Blue Haze, Arctic Whiz, Persian Bliss, Fat Garfield, and more back-alley freak strains to satisfy the most insatiable catnipper. There's a catnip from Paraguay that'll make you feel like two cats. There's one from Japan that turns your paws into toasters. Another will make you feel like a Chihuahua in a baby carriage being rolled down Fifth Avenue by Charo. Catnip camp accepts no fee, is not sanctioned or recognized by any governing body or country, and is invitation-only. We'll be in touch. 

Camp Catnip: We're off the grid, and you will be, too®

6. Camp Swim

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Cat beside pool by Shutterstock.

Hah! There's no such thing as Camp Swim.

More cat humor:

• How to Interpret Your Cat's Mothers Day Gift
• 8 Bumper Stickers Your Cat Would Put on His Car
• 6 Cats Caught in the Act

This was the case for my special seal point Siamese, Linus, when he lost his almost coal-black Siamese mix, Tubby. They had been inseparable from birth. That’s how I ended up with both of them.

Linus and Tubby had been abandoned in an empty apartment. A college student had left them behind with only a bag of food and the water from a toilet seat. The landlady found them and took them to the shelter.

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Linus and Tubby had never been apart.

When I spotted Linus, it was love at first sight. He had a dark brown coat with black feet, ears, and tail. He had the most beautiful steel blue eyes. The only hitch was that Tubby had to come with him. Except for the slant of his eyes, Tubby had absolutely no resemblance to a Siamese. He had thick black fur with only a few bits of white hair on his chest. His eyes were deep green.

I quickly could see why the shelter wanted them to remain together. They had always been together. And like some humans, they had a special bond with one another.

They would race and chase one another through the house. One would initiate the chase, and then the other would do the same. They spent hours jumping in and out of boxes, sticking their paws and noses out through holes they’d chewed. They’d wrestle by the hour, and where one was, the other followed.

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Mischief was never far away for these two.

It was not uncommon to have both occupying my lap at once. Linus hung out by my head while Tubby took the space by my feet every night. Then one day, Tubby was nowhere to be found.

Tubby was doing what cats do when they are sick. He was hiding, not letting his humans or feline friends know he was feeling bad. I was frantic. Where was he? Had he sneaked out through the door? It was winter with a lot of snow.

Two days later I was shocked when I saw him trying to walk across the floor in my bedroom. He could hardly walk. He was staggering, and he looked like he’d lost a lot of weight. I thought perhaps he had eaten a bad mouse.

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Later that week, Tubby was diagnosed with feline infectious peritonitis, or FIP, a fatal disease with no cure. He became so weak that I carried him up and down stairs. I fed him with a syringe. The only thing I could do was give him steroids twice a day. Initially, there was some improvement. But within two weeks, he had become so weak he couldn’t even crawl up onto the sofa. I concluded that it was time to put him out of his misery.

During this time, Linus had tried to comfort his brother. He’d lick his head trying to make him feel better. He didn’t understand why his brother wouldn’t race around the house with him. He knew something was very, very wrong; he just didn’t know what it was. He stopped playing and stayed by his brother. When he wasn’t by his side, he was watching him from afar.

Linus, too, was hurting. He acted listless. He almost had tears in his eyes. His very vocal loud meows were now dampened with sadness. It was like he knew his brother was dying and going away forever.

When Tubby was gone, Linus and I cried together about the loss of this very special feline friend. Linus would go to the food bowl and circle around, and just stare at it. Occasionally he’d sniff at the food and walk away. He’d look at my older kitty, Smokey Blue, and just walk away. He didn’t want anything to do with her. He wanted his Tubby.

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None of my other cats, including Smokey, could fill the hole in Linus' heart.

He was grief stricken. He was mourning the loss of his friend who had been by his side since birth. A few weeks later, Linus resumed eating, but he was still listless. He was depressed. He would not play, no matter what I tried.

I knew there was a special connection between the two littermates. I knew that Linus would miss his brother, but I just didn’t realize just how much, or how long.

Cats have a reputation for acting aloof, and sometimes they do, but they are very caring creatures. They develop strong connections with their humans and their special friends. They mourn the loss of their cat friends, and they grieve the losses just like humans do. Their hearts are broken, and that brokenness appears in their actions.

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Linus knew his brother was gone. He did not perpetually keep looking for him. Perhaps, they’d said their goodbyes through cat language. Tubby knew he was very sick. He probably knew he was dying, and he probably told Linus somehow that he was crossing the Rainbow Bridge.

My extra attention did not ease his grief. He missed the cat that he’d been with from the day he was born. With time, he became more himself, but he refused to play. That had been something that was reserved for Tubby.

It was February when Tubby died, leaving a big hole in our hearts. The following September, my boss talked me into adopting a long-haired orange tabby Maine Coon mix. He was only 8 weeks old. His human had thrown three kittens out of the house, and they were living in a barn. Winter was coming.

I was really reluctant to adopt a kitten. First of all, they could be very rambunctious. I also knew introducing a new cat, even a kitten, could change the household cat hierarchy and  dynamics. There was Smokey, who at 18 was becoming quite frail. There was mom’s cat, Clyde, a true scaredy-cat. Then there was my sweet black kitty with her Pink Collar, and Linus. There was no true love between any of them. It was more that they tolerated each another.

The first night the little kitty came home, the feline brood just kind of looked at him. Afraid they’d be mean to him, I kept him isolated. However, on day two, Linus started playing with little kitty. He’d lick his head and give him baths. He’d chase after him, and wrestle. He was showing him around the house and standing up for him if the other cats came too close. He was back to the old Linus. The two would run and play and jump and wrestle for hours on end.

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Little Yellow was the first cat to bring out the playfulness in Linus.

Linus had been lonely. He had missed his littermate, and the older cats just couldn't fill that role. They weren’t his style. He wanted more action. He wanted a new playmate. When the kitten arrived, he had just that -– there was lots of play, wrestling matches, and races through the house. Linus took the new kitten under his paw, and he adopted him as if he were his own. The kitten proved to be the medicine that Linus needed to move beyond his grief and help him return to his playful self.

Got a Cathouse Confessional to share?
We're looking for purrsonal stories from our readers about life with their cats. E-mail confess@catster.com, and you might become a published Catster Magazine author!

Read these related stories about cats and loss:

• 7 Things That Help Me Cope with Grief After Losing a Cat
• A Love Letter to BadCat, Who Has Long Been My Best Cat
• So You Feed Feral Cats: What Do You Do When One Dies?