Im feeling catty today, so Im going to share with you the story of one of Americas finest and most upstanding citizens, Robert Morris.
Morris, a Florida real estate agent, had apparently decided that the housing bust had cut too deeply into his income, perhaps even forcing him to downsize into a 20-room mansion and give up one of his Mercedes SUVs.
Perhaps in an attempt to deal with this soul-crushing cash flow crisis, he decided to supplement his income by getting into the lucrative and recession-proof career of freelance pharmacology.
In an act of near-Einsteinian genius, Morris decided to have a buddy in Arizona ship him some crystal methamphetamine, via FedEx. They chose a truly brilliant disguise for their contraband cargo: they hid it in an empty cat food bag!
The Keystone Krooks’ fabulous idea quickly turned into a comedy of errors.
According to My Fox Orlando, it seems that the two rocket scientists decided they would have their cat food — which absolutely, positively had to be there overnight — shipped to a Washington, D.C., man in care of a Florida title company.
The dynamic drug-smuggling duo might actually have succeeded, if it hadnt been for those meddling kids er, I mean, a person at the title company who had a clue and called the packages supposedly intended recipient. The title company called the cops, who opened the package (with the addressees permission) and discovered that the emergency cat food delivery was actually 260 grams of crystal meth.
The police were still at the title company’s office when Morris, in a catastrophic timing failure, called the title company to inquire about the package. The cops predictably set up a sting operation and arrested Morris as soon as he took the box. Now hes sitting in jail on half a million dollars bond.
The $30,000 Morris would have made from selling all that speed sure would buy a lot of cat food! I hope that when Morris is found guilty, hell be required to donate thirty grand to cat rescues in need. And maybe spend 10 years or so cleaning litterboxes, too.