Martha Stewart recently shared a joyful announcement in her blog: Two new kittens have come into her life. Not just any kittens, though: The new arrivals are a silver tabby Persian named Ch’in and a cameo white Persian named Kublai Khan. They join her stable of two Himalayans, two other Persians, and one Chow-Chow dog.
The blog post includes a 28-photo essay, including one picture whose caption tells the story of how she met the breeder of her new kittens: "My friend, Grace Coddington, the Creative Director of Vogue, used some of her cats in a photo shoot ÔÇª I really wanted her cats."
I couldn’t help it: My mind conjured up an image of Martha running toward the breeder’s house like a quarterback, knocking aside all the mere mortals who’ve been on the breeder’s waiting list for years while screaming "I WANT YOUR CAAAAAAAATS!!!!"
And whatever Martha wants, Martha gets.
Of course, you have to understand that Martha couldn’t possibly have brought any plebeian cats into her home. Oh, no: Shelter cats are ÔÇª used! Even a cat from a Persian rescue wouldn’t do for Queen Martha. No, no, her home decor accessories need to be brand-new, fresh out of the box and ready to be bent to her will.
This is particularly important if, like Martha, you happen to be a crafting diva. How else are you going to be able to create silky-haired table centerpieces if your cats won’t sit still for being garnished with fake leaves, scented candles, and flowers?
"My housekeeper, Laura, loved the new kittens immediately!" Martha gushes. Good thing: Given Martha’s busy schedule, Laura probably ends up spending more time with Martha’s stable of designer pets than Martha herself does. And even when Martha’s home, I’ll lay odds that Laura ends up doing all the dirty cat chores that Queen Martha wouldn’t deign to do.
Martha isn’t just known for her crafty flair, though. She’s also quite the cook. Her delicacies grace TV screens and magazines worldwide, and her ability to create dishes that are not only delicious but beautiful have earned her a widespread reputation in the gastronomic world.
And now it looks like she’s working on a new dish: kitten tartare! One of the blog photos shows the breeder smiling — nervously, I hope — as Martha sinks her teeth into poor Ch’in’s face.
"As with all my new pets, I gently bit each kitten on the face. This is how I let my animals know that I am now their mother," Martha writes.
Martha, Martha, Martha ÔÇª where on Earth did you learn that particular training technique? The Hyper-Macho Jackass School of Abusive Wildlife Wrangling?
I’ve read dozens of books on raising kittens and I’ve never heard that particular tip. But Martha, if you really want to show those kittens that you’re their mother, what you need to do is lick their butts until they produce waste. "Mmmm. Fabulous!"