A couple of weeks ago, we wrote the article, “What to Expect When You’re Expecting (to Give Birth to a Cat),” based on this photo, which we found on Etsy by Universal Error:
At the time, we thought our article was the definitive article on birthing a cat. But after publishing it, we wondered: Did we cover every element of birthing a cat? Our editor suspected we had not. Our editor thought we could get about 500 more words out of that picture, easy.
So, without further ado, we continue our Q&A on what to expect when you’re expecting to give birth to a cat:
How will you know you’re pregnant
Have your partner lean toward your stomach and listen for a quiet meow or a gentle purrrr. Failing that, wait for the sharp, God-awful pain of her claws digging into your stomach (week 10).
Should you drink when you’re pregnant?
Hell yes. You have a cat in in your womb. Best to stay drunk.
Can you do yoga when you’re pregnant?
I don’t see why not. That’s not like kickboxing, is it?
Should you be worried about toxoplasmosis?
Just come out and say it: You want your significant other to clean the litter box every day twice a day for nine months, don’t you? You have my blessing.
You’re not really serious about the drinking, are you?
No. Except during the third trimester. Pretend you’re French and your apartment is Paris.
Should you have a baby shower for your kitten?
Of course, and if anyone thinks you’re making the whole thing up, just show her this guide.
(Confidential to people going to Karen’s baby shower: Come on, what’s the harm? You’ve known her for ages. She really needs this.)
Will you have any unusual cravings during pregnancy?
Well, you might want to gnaw on a raw salmon right there in Vons. Is that unusual in your city?
Should you drink coffee when you’re pregnant?
While only trace amounts of caffeine will enter the bloodstream and reach kitty, it only takes trace amounts of caffeine to turn your baby into a spinning psychokitty of damnation. So, no, do not drink the coffee.
Is there a test to determine the gender of the kitty in the womb?
There’s no need to, as all cats born to humans are female. Ha ha, just kidding. There is no test.
Do you have to push during delivery?
It’s more like the doctor has to pull. Here, let me paint you a picture: Imagine you’ve forgotten to trim your cat’s nails for, oh, nine months, and then you try to extract her from a nice, cozy spot wedged in the bottom of your laundry hamper.
I’m the laundry hamper?
You’re the laundry hamper.
And you’re full of terrycloth towels.
You’re enjoying this aren’t you?
I’m just the messenger.
What’s the best way to break the news to your parents?
Well, there is currently no “best” way, as every parent has fainted upon receiving the news. On the bright side, parents can’t faint forever, one would think.
Will the doctor slap the kitten upon delivery?
Yes! And then he will make his way to the third floor (Open Wounds), where he will curse the day he ever had such a cockamamie idea.
Can you smoke cigarettes when you’re pregnant?
Why, do you have one? I could use one.
What about sushi?
Hey, you’re really living it up, aren’t you? I haven’t had sushi for 15 years.
Answer seriously: Can you smoke and drink and eat sushi when you’re pregnant? What about frozen yogurt and unpasteurized cheese?
Sounds like somebody has a great party to go to. Too bad you’re pregnant and have to stay home.
Can you have a home birth?
It turns out hospitals actually prefer you have a home birth. And doulas, well, they just want you to go to the hospital. Nobody is really into this, you see.
What happens when your water breaks?
Your cat will freak out. Cats and water, you know. Also birth, hospitals, lights, rubber gloves, and so on.
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