The Summer Olympics are coming, and we love cats. So we wondered what Olympic events cats would do well in if cats were allowed in the 2012 Olympics. It makes perfect sense if you don’t think about it too much.
Don’t laugh: I’ve seen my cat hurl a fake mouse clear across the living room during one of his manic wind-up play sessions. If you could just harness that energy and direct it downfield, you’d have a serious contender on the pitch. Oh, and the hammer would have to be made of yarn.
When you think about it — but don’t think about it too much — your cat has been competing in ribbon gymnastics ever since you first opened a present in the living room. Isn’t it time you let her represent her country for it? She works so hard, particularly around Christmastime and whenever you forget to put the toilet paper on a high shelf.
This could very likely be the cats’ best event. You don’t even have to change anything. Just herd the cats to the starting line, get the guy with the starter pistol to stand close behind them — real close, if you understand me — and then BLAM. Oh, another world record? Just put it with the others.
Cats would be perfect for this. Just get about five rolls of duct tape and a water bottle set on needle spray, and then carefully — what’s that? Team Bobsleigh isn’t in the Summer Olympics? Oh. It’s probably for the best.
Basically, just plop a cat on the top bar and see how he manages to get down. Think of it as an extended dismount. I’m pretty sure any cat would be thrilled by this. There he’d be, 10 feet up, balancing on a skinny bar with just another bar to work with — and maybe that pommel horse over to the side there — and thinking, Yeah, I got this.
You might have to tweak the rules a bit, because any cat worth his salt, once he jumps up to a thin bar floating 6 feet high, is going to try to stick the landing and perch there like freaking Philippe Petit trembling on a tightrope above Niagara Falls, requiring an official to march up to the proud beast and push him off. God help that official.
Yeah, I know this isn’t in the Summer Olympics. What are you, a lawyer? Cats belong on the curling ice sheet as much as the Russians, scratching their little hearts out with the best of the sweepers. You want to see happy cats, don’t you? Curling.
Think about it: If a cat gets tossed in a pool, what becomes the most important thing in the world to the cat? Getting the hell out of the pool. You just have to make sure he’s facing the right direction — by lining the edges with dogs, veterinarians, and anyone who has ever knocked on my door when my cat’s been in the living room during the past five years. You’re going to see some next-level strokes right there.
Cats are masters of stillness — my cat’s been sitting on my desk and staring at me for probably an hour, and I only just noticed him — so this sport, in which a steady hand is paramount, is right up a cat’s lowered-heartbeat alley. As the rules dictate shooting from a lying position, you’ll need someone to go around waking up the cats every three minutes.
Photos by Shutterstock.com: Kitty jumping, Black cat playing, Orange tabby cat running, Cat climbing, Three cats jumping, Young man wearing motorcycle suit, Cat in the snow, Cat on edge of pool, Tactical guard cat.