What I Would Do If I Were a Cat

 |  May 14th 2011  |   3 Contributions


This would be a rough life, huh? Photo from photoexpress.com.

Yesterday, we announced a giveaway of the book "The Meowmorphosis," about a man who wakes up one morning as a kitten (Enter here if you haven't already!), and it got me thinking...

If I woke up one morning as a kitten, this is how I think my day would go:

4:30 a.m. Wake up whatever human appears to be in the deepest sleep. Paw in face is probably the first tactic I would use, as I know this works best from back when I was a human.

4:41 a.m. Paw-in-face didn't work. Commence chest kneading and start motor-purring engine.

4:43 a.m. Give up and curl back up for another couple hours of sleep, preferably in a spot the human is occupying, thereby forcing them to move.

6:30 a.m. Here the alarm go off, figure me and that loud thing should work together and give "paw-in-face" another shot.

6:34 a.m. It worked! Run to my food bowl and waiting (not so patiently) while that darn human goes to the bathroom, brushes their teeth, stares at themselves in the mirror, makes coffee, pours coffee, stumbles by me and says (finally!), "Oh, you must be hungry!" Duh.

7:30 a.m. Figure-8's through the humans legs while they're trying to get dressed for the day. This is so fun! Bonus points if they trip.

9:00 a.m. Alone for the day! What havoc to wreak first? Hmm...

9:05 a.m. Have more breakfast. This needs to be done on a full stomach.

9:09 a.m. Curl up for a morning nap. Can't think on a full tummy. Need a break.

11:37 a.m. Streeeeeetch. COMMENCE TOILET PAPER SHREDDING!

11:38 a.m. Shred! Shred! Shred!

11:39 a.m. Settle in for another nap. Whew, shredding is exhausting.

1:50 p.m. Man, is it almost 2 already? Where did the day go? I haven't gotten anythi--zzzzzzzz....

3:14 p.m. Stomach grumbling. It's been too long since my last noms. Back to the bowl for more food.

3:17 p.m. Spot the toy basket out of the corner of my eye. Toys! Catnip! Whoo! Dig in there with my nose, pick out The. Best. one and drag it to another room. Lose interest.

3:19 p.m. Afternoon nap time!

4:45 p.m. Shoot! It's almost 5! The human will be home soon. Not enough havoc wreaked!

4:46 p.m. Quickly drop a stinky poop in the litter box. Must be nice and fresh for when they get home!

4:48 p.m. Spill my water bowl.

4:50 p.m. Drag four more toys to other rooms in the house.

4:54 p.m. *hack* *hack* *hack*

4:55 p.m. Walk away from hairball that I conveniently left in the human's left sneaker.

4:57 p.m. Stand in front of mirror and practice my "innocent" and "super cute" face.

4:59 p.m. Smooth furs. Put on aforementioned faces.

5:00 p.m. Greet human at the door like the purrfect angel that I am!

5:05 p.m. Tell them all about my day. They don't understand a word I'm meowing. Probably better off that day. They'll find out soon enough...

5:15 p.m. Hide under the bed. Human found the havoc! (Not the hairball yet, though. *snicker*)

5:20 p.m. Come out when coaxed with treats. I am an angel and they're sorry they yelled. Eat treats.

5:21 p.m. Give them the faces again.

5:22 p.m. Get MORE treats!

5:23 p.m. Curl up on the coach with the human and catch up on sleep for the rest of the night. Can't wait to do it all again tomorrow!

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