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What Career Would Be Right for My Cat?

Actress? Scientist? President? Exterminator? I turn to an online career-quiz to find out.

Laura Jaye Cramer  |  Sep 4th 2015


I’m a writer for for a few reasons: It’s challenging, it’s fun, it’s genuinely fulfilling, and because nobody will pay me to sit on their coach and talk in the funny voices that I think their pets would have if they were people (which is my actual dream job).

My cat, Katze, is not a writer for the obvious reason: She’s a cat. She’s never going to work a day in her life, writer or otherwise. But still, she’s a smart lady with lots to offer. Sometimes I wonder: If my cat had a career, what would it be?

I jumped onto the website What Career Is Right for Me? for two reasons:  It has a hilariously specific domain name, and it’s among the few sites that don’t demand my email address and firstborn just to take a five-minute quiz. And, okay, a third reason: because I wanted to take the quiz for my dear Katze.

To unlock the secrets of your future career, you (or your human mother) rate yourself (or your pet cat) from 1 to 5 for a handful of attributes in four main categories:

Category 1, Skills: Personal Strengths and Weaknesses

We start with the simple attribute “People: Interaction With Others, Ability to Train and Counsel,” which is a firm 5 — I’m pretty sure she would sew herself to my lap if it were an option, especially when I look like I’m stressed or bummed out. Next up is “Mechanical: Working With Tools and Equipment.” I’m going to stop you right there, quiz, and search for an option less than 1. Because this is a creature who doesn’t have thumbs, and if she gets her paws on, say, a chainsaw, I want to be as far away as possible.

So at this point it’s looking like she won’t be an ironsmith. But that’s not to say she isn’t tough or athletic. For the attribute “Physical: Strength, Agility, Dexterity,” she’s a obviously a 5.

Just look at that toe touch! Such form!

Category 2, Interests: Activities and Skills

I’m giving her a 1 for the attribute “Law: Legal and Criminal Justice,” because of the way she very unfairly sleeps spreadeagled in the exact center of our bed, forcing me into the awkward, coverless corners of the mattress. If that’s not illegal, it should be.

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It’s cool. I didn’t want to stretch out anyway.

Category 3, Style: Type of Work Environment

Here she earned a 5 in several areas: “Initiative: Taking on Responsibilities and Challenges,” “Persistence: Not Giving Up In the Face of Obstacles,” and “Achievement: Maintaining Personally Challenging Goals and Exerting Effort Towards Achieving Them.”

I live in a Victorian house in San Francisco. It’s what my roommates and I lovingly refer to as “authentic old-school San Francisco,” which means that our landlady is an eccentric hippie and our ceiling leaks.

Every so often when the weather is cooler, we’ll get a mouse in the house. It’s these times that my typically sweet and mellow cat shows a different (terrifying) side of herself. When Katze hears mouse sounds coming from the wall, she goes into full-on Rambo mode. Her eyes light up, her breathing turns into angry snorts, and she tears apart all in her path until the mouse is delivered to my roommate, whose job it is to trap it under a yogurt container and take it away from my escalating panic attack and set it free outside.

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Give up, mouse. You don’t stand a chance.

Category 4, Values: What’s Important in a Career

This determines whether the quizee wants fair, safe working conditions. (Has anyone ever said, “Nope, I’m good without those fair, safe working conditions” when taking this?) It also asks about “Recognition: Potential for Advancement and a Role in Leadership,” which is a big fat 1. She’s way too sleepy for that kind of role.

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“What TPS report? Zzz …”

Once the quiz is over, the site generates a list of career options. And its big plans for Katze include … (drum roll, please)

  • Respiratory therapist — which is weird because, you know, hairballs.
  • Indoor recreational therapist — oddly specific for a four-step quiz, right?
  • Bartender.

The more I think about having my own little bartender to make me a KiTiki drink or a Tom Cat Collins whenever my heart desires, the more I start to think: Is the What Career Is Right for Me? quiz right on the money, or what?

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Cheers to your new (imaginary) career.

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About the author: Laura Jaye Cramer is a freelance writer and ballet dancer based out of San Francisco. When she isn’t busy tending to her sweet little cat baby, she can be found drooling over artifacts in a museum, building a shrine to Dolly Parton, or eating a trough of guacamole. Stalk her on InstagramTwitter, and Facebook