Last week we came across a incredible thing: breed-specific cat lingerie from online store Felissimo. Each set comes with panties, a cat-ear shaped bra, and a detachable tail, all in the style of your favorite cat (Russian Blue, if you know what’s good for you). Some come with chokers as well, because why the hell not? If you’re scrambling for your credit card right now, you’ll need to know two things: 1) Japanese, because Felissimo is a Japanese site, and 2) what kind of cat lingerie you are, because you don’t want to buy Persian lingerie only to find out on date night that you’re actually Russian Blue lingerie. That would suck.
You are sleek, mysterious, and hard to photograph. You prefer to date a certain type of person, the type who prefers to spend Halloween locked in a bedroom to thwart any abduction attempts. Some people think you are satanist, but that’s silly. You just look ravishing in black. On a depressing note, you’re typically the last one to leave the shelter for the night, after everybody has gone home and the lights have been turned off. So sad!
Look at you, all glamourous and hirsute and luxuriant, what with your neediness and your breathing difficulties and your quickly matting hair. Your ideal evening is to spend 14 hours curled up in several people’s laps, listening to them coo about how wooly you are as they comb out mats that re-form as quickly they are brushed out. So much hair! So many mats! But you’re worth it. You have a gorgeously flat face, and you need frequent baths.
You have large, er, paws. You need to be brushed frequently during date nights, like those suited to Persian lingerie, or else you get hair all over the damn restaurant or truck stop. You are gentle and calm, and prone to kidney disease. You have breathing problems. Ah, such is life!
You’re blue. There’s no two ways about it. You’re like a blue person. Some will call you silver-blue, but they’re just being nice. I see blue. You have good life expectancy and great health, despite some urinary tract issues. This is very niche lingerie, right here.
You don’t need much grooming, which will keep a steady line of suitors at your door provided you live next to a bunch of fluffy people who regularly buy Persian lingerie. Your ancestors came over on the Mayflower, and you are muscular. You have slightly higher-than-average risk of hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. When you go out to a nice restaurant on a date, you can’t help but pop into the kitchen and murder all the rodents.
Your face is perfectly round. It’s really quite something. And your ears are folded over. Does that describe you? Of course not; nobody in the history of cat lingerie has ever bought Scottish Fold cat lingerie. I don’t know why they even make it. It’s ridiculous.
Enjoy your cat lingerie, available here.
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