Iams and Catster released a video about cats this morning, and it posits the theory that cats are behind damn near everything. You should watch it. It has all the viral kitties in it.
Nice work, huh? And intriguing — this idea that we have our cats to thank for, well, basically, civilization. We decided to follow up with a cat about such claims, and found a nice one sleeping right where we last saw him.
Catster: So, in that video it says that cats are behind a lot of things.
Cat: I just made a levichair.
It’s a chair that levitates.
That wasn’t in the video.
We didn’t put everything in the video.
So, is the video accurate? Are cats behind lots of things?
Oh, sure. Of course the Mona Lisa (she’s smiling at a cat) and the Great Wall of China (helluva dog problem we had during the Ming Dynasty) but we really got going after Columbus.
If he hadn’t lost his cat, and if his cat had never appeared to him in a dream saying he could find her in India, he would never have visited America.
Columbus was looking for his cat?
And he found her in Key Largo! It’s a weird story.
That didn’t happen.
Oh, and Neil Armstrong didn’t happen either? “One small step for man, one giant leap for kittykind,” followed by “here kitty kitty,” whereupon the first moon cat leapt into his arms.
We invented stuff, too. Gasoline. Also chicken, central heating, and prison. All due to the great inventor named Bubbles, who was a cat. He also made the ladder.
I’m sure someone else made the ladder.
I forgot about wet food! We’re not talking about wet cat food, but food with any sort of moisture content whatsoever. In 1200, everybody ate soda crackers and drank bottles of dirt until a cat finally had enough and made pudding for everybody.
That isn’t true.
1973. The skateboard. A cat wanted to chase a fish truck down the block. He looked at an old lawnmower, threw some physics at it, and 10 minutes later he had passed the truck and was scouting empty pools to skate — first one to do that, too.
So cats created everything?
You heard about us and the Internet?
It was in the video.
Well, get this: Next week we’re releasing the Meganet.
No you’re not.
Our cat at Buzzfeed is already writing an article about it.
You have a cat at Buzzfeed?
We have cats everywhere.
That’s sounds ominous.
Oh, don’t be dramatic. The Boston Symphony is all cats. They play pretty songs.
I can check that out, you know.
You probably shouldn’t. The CIA is mostly cats.
No it isn’t.
Have you ever seen a CIA agent?
Would you believe you’re talking to one?
I got you from the shelter!
That was no shelter. That was West Coast training HQ. It’s all in the fine print, but nobody reads the fine print.
So cats are behind everything? Next thing you’ll tell me you own the presidency.
It’s just a figurehead. The real power lies with Santa Cat.
I have to go.
You’ll thank me in six months when you get your levitating chair. Save those hardwood floors, you know.
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