Dammit, it’s Friday, Valentine’s Day is Saturday, and despite being bombarded with ads for Shari’s Berries and ProFlowers and the Pajamagrams all month — why didn’t you just go and order the Hoodie-Footie?! — you’ve run out of shipping time. Sweetiekins won’t get a Vermont Teddy Bear with Free Personalized Gift Card this year.
Good! That stuff is horrible. If you really want to feel bad about something, feel bad about not ordering a Plush Kitten Bouquet from ThinkGeek in time. Your Valentine would have thought you were the best, weirdest person on the planet. Look at this beautiful thing:
“Roses die; give the gift of snuggly kittens!” screams the ad copy, with us right behind it. “We can tell you that these little guys are less than eight weeks old, because they all still have bright blue eyes. They never go outside the litter box, and they don’t leave fur on everything. Plus, this bouquet is guaranteed to be 100 percent less squirmy than actual kittens.”
Stop selling! We’re buying!
As a bonus, the people behind the kitten bouquet have a fine sense of humor about the business they’re engaged in. Here’s one of their tips:
Tip for actual cat owners:
Step 1. Remove kittens from “stems.”
Step 1a. Attach ribbons to “stems.” You now have 9 new cat toys!
Step 2. ????
Step 3. Pawfit.
Our recommendation: Order the kitten bouquet, skip town till it’s delivered, and then waltz in next week with your kitten bouquet outfitted tastefully in “a blue heart cellophane overwrap, blue and white crepe paper wrap, plus silver bow with heart details,” according to the site. Remember, if you get a Plush Kitten Bouquet, your sweetheart will look like this:
And who doesn’t want that? Look at her! She can’t even handle all the kittens! SO MANY ADORABLE KITTENS.
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