Summer camp for cats is not really a thing, of course, but … what if it were a thing? What if every year our kitties loaded into buses and headed off to summer camp, raising havoc with chaperons and sneaking out to caterwaul with the local strays?
We got our hands on some promotion materials for some of these camps.
At the end of Camp Chicken, all campers will have stalked, brought down, and consumed a whole chicken. That is our guarantee to you. Are you cat enough to take it? There are no cans of chicken at Camp Chicken — there are no can openers, no bags of Innova, no Wild West Friskies Treats. There are only 75 chickens, three acres, and you, alone with your claws and teeth and innate predatorial knowledge of edible organs. This is what you’ve dreamed about.
Camp Chicken: You will kill and eat a whole chicken┬«
Days at Camp Nap begin bright and early at four in the afternoon. Nappers meet on the napping mat to receive instruction in official Camp Nap napping from the chief napper; napping lesson ends when the chief napper naps. Note: If nappers file onto the napping mat and the chief napper is already napping, Camp Nap nappers are required to nap. Remember our slogan: “Everything begins with a nap.” Remember our fight song: “We Nap, We Nap, We Zzzz…” Lunch is whenever. Dinner consists of chicken. I’m so tired. Hey, I have a great idea!
Camp Nap: Isn’t it time for another nap?┬«
Camp stretch is a three-day camp best completed before Camp Nap. It is intense. Our trainers are all lithe Abyssinians who grew up in trees chasing flying squirrels and running from eagles. Mona, our lead stretcher, can curl herself into a pretzel while balancing on her rigid tail. Do not ask her to do this. Our lessons include proper post-nap and pre-nap stretching, which is vital if you intend to nap through next Tuesday. Advanced training includes sleep stretching. Do not ask Mona to show you this — also do not look Mona in the eyes, or mew in her direction. Stretching class lasts for six hours every morning. Do not leave early (Mona).
Camp Stretch: Namaste, bitchez┬«
Camp Box isn’t so much a camp as it is a magical journey to the land where boxes are born. Okay, it’s a trip to a box-making factory. For one night, the industrial lathes are quiet, the flap-and-crease machines are still, and cats enter the cavernous Worldwide Cardboard Box Co., thick with pungent scent of freshly milled corrugated cardboard and the seductive tang of sealing glue, to luxuriate, to play, to indulge. Cats are encouraged to follow their bliss — some immediately squeeze into something two sizes too small and enter a meditative coma for the duration, while others jump from box to box for hours, arcing in the dusty air, the only sounds a deep, ancestral purr and the irresistible slap of paw pads hitting the bottoms of boxes.
Camp Box: It’s for lovers┬«
Some say that Camp Catnip does not exist. Others speak of it in low tones, whispering coded messages through fences to passing strays. Societal norms do not apply at Camp Catnip, it does not have laws, it does not have codes of conduct, but what it does have is every kind of catnip you can imagine: flake, bud, tincture, spray, Humboldt Fuzz, Blue Haze, Arctic Whiz, Persian Bliss, Fat Garfield, and more back-alley freak strains to satisfy the most insatiable catnipper. There’s a catnip from Paraguay that’ll make you feel like two cats. There’s one from Japan that turns your paws into toasters. Another will make you feel like a Chihuahua in a baby carriage being rolled down Fifth Avenue by Charo. Catnip camp accepts no fee, is not sanctioned or recognized by any governing body or country, and is invitation-only. We’ll be in touch.
Camp Catnip: We’re off the grid, and you will be, too┬«
Hah! There’s no such thing as Camp Swim.
More cat humor: