Fake Cat News
Share this image

Study: Water From Faucets Is “Miracle Elixir” for Cats

This week in fake cat news, a new study aims to change the way cat owners give their kitties water, especially in the hours WAY past midnight.

Michael Leaverton  |  Jan 19th 2016


fake-cat-news-logo-small

A recent study found that water streaming from a faucet is better tasting, more healthful, and better at reducing hairballs than water from some old bowl in the kitchen.

Furthermore, the study showed that cats who regularly drink water flowing out of a nice porcelain faucet lived longer, were better behaved, and did more spontaneously adorable things when in the presence of their owners.

The study was released last week, by cats.

shutterstock_278472827full

One member of the research team testing stream resistance on the tongue. Photo by Shutterstock.

Mr. Sandwiches, a Persian kitty who’s been studying the benefits of streaming water for years, led the groundbreaking study. His team of researchers were “blown away” by the benefits of streaming water over still water, whether it comes from a bathtub faucet, a kitchen tap, or even from a shower, provided it is turned on low enough to provide a nice, steady dripping without too much splashing.

“Humans can’t ignore this evidence,” said Mr. Sandwiches. “We used microscopes. We made data.”

“Throw away your horrible water bowls, America, and twist on your faucets!” he added.

Mr. Sandwiches said other benefits of drinking from streaming water include cats being much nicer to dogs, babies, visitors, the mail carrier, your in-laws, repairmen, the cable guy, the neighbors, anybody delivering pizza, and couches. And he claims those benefits are compounded when the water is streamed after midnight.

“If your cat wakes you up at 3 a.m. for nice drink, you should leap out of bed to turn on the faucet of his choice,” he said. “Everybody in your life would be happier this way, from the utility worker checking the meter on down.”

Asked whether the study had been subject to peer review, Mr. Sandwiches was quick to defend his work.

“We used highest protocols imaginable,” he said. “They were really, really high. The science was really, really great.”

Does this mean that regular tap water in a bowl is bad?

“Yep,” he said.

How so?

By way of answer, Mr. Sandwiches vomited.

shutterstock_283670912full

Imploring looks can be used to impel owners to turn on faucets and keep them on.

The team recommends that cat owners be more attuned to the streaming water needs of their cats, often anticipating their needs by perfunctorily turning on every faucet in the house.

“Now there’s no excuse for not turning on the faucet at your cat’s every whim, even if it is 4 in the morning — correction, especially if it’s 4 in the morning, according to our study.”

Mr. Sandwiches is currently at work researching the miracle health claims of grilled chicken strips from the refrigerated section of grocery stores.

“Frankly I’m amazed that this miracle food — chicken strips with those nutrient-dense char marks — isn’t being served to cats for every meal,” he said. “That should change, once we release our new study.”

Read more humor: