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10 New Year’s Resolutions My Cat Is Already Breaking

Personally, I don't think she's really even trying.

Michael Leaverton  |  Jan 2nd 2014

For the first few hours of 2014, my cat did not break a single resolution. She was asleep. Then she woke up and, well, the wheels started coming off …

1. Resolution: Will not swipe at my leg when I walk by.

Status: Broken

Reason: You walked by?

2. Will not watch me use the bathroom anymore.

Status: Broken.

Reason: Have you seen yourself use the bathroom?

3. Will stop flinging litter out of the box.

Status: Looks pretty broken to me.

Reason: Not true! The litter JUMPED out of the box.

4. Will stop binging on catnip.

Status: So broken, dude.

Reason: Lighten up, man. You a cop or something?

5. Will stop waking me up at 3 a.m. to turn on the faucet.

Status: Broken.

Reason: I thought you loved that!

6. Will stop leaving the remains of animals on the back porch.

Status: Hmmm …

Reason: Say, why don’t you put on your garden clogs? C’mon. There’s nothing in them. Please?

7. Will stop coughing up hairballs on the comforter.

Status: Not technically broken, but really? On the pillow?

Reason: I told you I hate resolutions.

8. Will stop harassing the dog.

Status: Broken.

Reason: What’s the point of having a dog again?

9. Will stop jumping into the baby’s crib.

Status: Broken. Babies don’t shed.

Reason: Actually, according to page 27 of Dr. Spock’s Baby and Chi — I JUST WANT MY OWN CRIB, DAMMIT.

10. Will poop only in the litter box.

Status: Good God.

Reason: You didn’t think I could open the refrigerator, did you?