10 New Year's Resolutions My Cat Is Already Breaking
For the first few hours of 2014, my cat did not break a single resolution. She was asleep. Then she woke up and, well, the wheels started coming off ...
1. Resolution: Will not swipe at my leg when I walk by.
Reason: You walked by?
2. Will not watch me use the bathroom anymore.
Reason: Have you seen yourself use the bathroom?
3. Will stop flinging litter out of the box.
Status: Looks pretty broken to me.
Reason: Not true! The litter JUMPED out of the box.
4. Will stop binging on catnip.
Status: So broken, dude.
Reason: Lighten up, man. You a cop or something?
5. Will stop waking me up at 3 a.m. to turn on the faucet.
Reason: I thought you loved that!
6. Will stop leaving the remains of animals on the back porch.
Status: Hmmm ...
Reason: Say, why don't you put on your garden clogs? C'mon. There's nothing in them. Please?
7. Will stop coughing up hairballs on the comforter.
Status: Not technically broken, but really? On the pillow?
Reason: I told you I hate resolutions.
8. Will stop harassing the dog.
Reason: What's the point of having a dog again?
9. Will stop jumping into the baby's crib.
Status: Broken. Babies don't shed.
Reason: Actually, according to page 27 of Dr. Spock's Baby and Chi -- I JUST WANT MY OWN CRIB, DAMMIT.
10. Will poop only in the litter box.
Status: Good God.
Reason: You didn't think I could open the refrigerator, did you?