For the first few hours of 2014, my cat did not break a single resolution. She was asleep. Then she woke up and, well, the wheels started coming off …
Reason: You walked by?
Reason: Have you seen yourself use the bathroom?
Status: Looks pretty broken to me.
Reason: Not true! The litter JUMPED out of the box.
Status: So broken, dude.
Reason: Lighten up, man. You a cop or something?
Reason: I thought you loved that!
Status: Hmmm …
Reason: Say, why don’t you put on your garden clogs? C’mon. There’s nothing in them. Please?
Status: Not technically broken, but really? On the pillow?
Reason: I told you I hate resolutions.
Reason: What’s the point of having a dog again?
Status: Broken. Babies don’t shed.
Reason: Actually, according to page 27 of Dr. Spock’s Baby and Chi — I JUST WANT MY OWN CRIB, DAMMIT.
Status: Good God.
Reason: You didn’t think I could open the refrigerator, did you?