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My Picky Cat Asked Me to Decorate His New “House”

Alas, my creative aspirations turned out to be too high for a simple cardboard box -- Cosmo cared nothing at all about paint and fabric samples!

Angie Bailey  |  Feb 1st 2016

Last weekend, I received a large box from Amazon. Well, it wasn’t just a box, my purchase was inside. However, to my Cosmo, I received only a box. Wait, let me take that back — it was more than a box to Cosmo. It was his prospective “house.” And that, my friends, is where our story begins.

Cosmo showed immediate interest in his new cardboard habitat and insisted I place a “For Sale/Sold” sign on it. You know — to make things official. Of course I followed his instruction — what was I supposed to do? He’s quite persuasive, and I have no shortage of purple Sharpies.

An empty canvas -- how exciting!

An empty canvas — how exciting!

After he claimed the box, he asked if I’d help decorate his new house. Cool! I felt honored that he trusted my creativity! Suddenly, a flurry of artistic ideas raced through my mind. Did he want a particular color scheme? Was he more of a boho-chic guy, or would he prefer more of a mid-century modern vibe? I needed to schedule some time with my client and glean some vital information regarding his personal style. This part was a challenge because of his tight nap schedule, but we eventually carved out some time together.

Getting the brush-off.

Getting the brush-off.

First, I asked him about paint color. An easy place to begin, right? Well, one would think so; however, Cosmo made it clear he didn’t want to discuss such nonsense. I offered him a wide selection of colors, none of which appealed to his fussy sensibilities. I never realized he was so persnickety! Well, I guess he is a cat. What was I expecting?

I guess I know what I can do with these swatches.

I guess I know what I can do with these swatches.

After his unexpected reaction to the paint, I thought about showing him a variety of fabric swatches. Perhaps he’d enjoy a fun-patterned cat bed, or even fabric on the walls! I was open to anything that tickled my client’s fancy. His fancy was not tickled by any of my suggestions, however. He repeatedly shunned my creative offerings. Rude! But still, he was the client, and I needed to remain openminded and continue my search for the perfect decor for his new digs.

After hours of decorative standoffs, we both collapsed, exhausted and unable to consider even one more option. What was a decorator to do? I thought I knew what my client wanted, but I was grasping too far — expanding my expectations beyond what a cat would truly enjoy in a house. After a short nap, we regrouped.

Feeling right at home with his "girlfriend." Happy Client!

Feeling right at home with his “girlfriend.” Happy client!

The end result of our creative endeavor was way more simple and obvious than I’d originally dreamed. Here’s what it came down to: My self-absorbed client didn’t want wallpaper — he wanted photos of himself adorning the walls. And what he didn’t tell me was that he wanted his “girlfriend” to move in with him. And by “girlfriend,” I mean the throw he likes to “make sweet love to” whenever he gets the chance. Yeah, he’s neutered, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t enjoy a little hip-twitching while “making biscuits.” Oh, and he wanted to include space for his favorite sparkle ball. Who can blame him?

What began as a totally stressful decorating job turned into an uncomplicated project that took a few minutes to perfect. In the end, Cosmo was pleased with my work, and I was reminded that cats don’t want fancy — sometimes a box, blanket, and ball are quite enough. And photo reminders of feline greatness never hurt.

I just received my invitation to his housewarming party, so he can’t be too disappointed in my services. I was thinking about gifting him a blender, but I think I’ll bring a couple of milk jug rings instead.

How would your cat like his “house” (box) decorated? Tell us in the comments!

Read more by Angie Bailey:

About the Author: Angie Bailey is an eternal optimist with an adoration of all things silly. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, thinking about cats doing people things and The Smiths. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, Texts from Mittens (originated right here on Catster) and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that features sketches and mockumentaries. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.