10 MORE New Year's Resolutions My Cat Is Already Breaking
Last week, I wrote about all the 2014 resolutions my cat had already burned through. This week she tore through the rest. Doesn't she even want to be a better kitty?
1. Resolution: Will not drink from my water glass on the nightstand
Reason: Oh, so suddently that's YOUR water glass?
2. Will not scratch the couch anymore
Reason: You really should get the scissors and join me -- you know this couch is hideous, right?
3. Will stop jumping onto the dinner table and sticking your nose into my dinner
Reason: You realize you feed me out of a BAG every day?
4. Will not stare silently and creepily at me from across the room
Status: Broken -- and it's being broken right now.
Reason: Hold still. Do you have any idea how hard it is to suck out someone's soul with your eyes?
5. Will stop licking nether regions when company is over
Reason: What, we don't hate company anymore? I thought we hated company. You always scream I hate company! after company leaves.
6. Will stop trying to dart through the front door
Reason: In what world do prisoners stop trying to escape? This is the weirdest prison ever.
7. Will stop knocking things off my desk one by one
Reason: Man, you and your clutter. It's like I'm living with a hoarder.
8. Will stop clawing my toes at night
Reason: Hey, it could be a lot worse. My cousins kill wildebeest.
9. Will not scratch the chair anymore
Reason: Can you please be quiet? I'm trying to kill the chair. God, your taste in furniture!
10. Will NOT let me sleep a solid eight hours just once in 2014
Status: Not broken.