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10 MORE New Year's Resolutions My Cat Is Already Breaking

This makes 20 resolutions down the tubes -- wow, 2014, you should be a great year.

 |  Jan 7th 2014  |   4 Contributions


Last week, I wrote about all the 2014 resolutions my cat had already burned through. This week she tore through the rest. Doesn't she even want to be a better kitty?

Kitten and water by Shutterstock

1. Resolution: Will not drink from my water glass on the nightstand

Status: Broken.

Reason: Oh, so suddently that's YOUR water glass?

2. Will not scratch the couch anymore

Status: Broken.

Reason: You really should get the scissors and join me -- you know this couch is hideous, right?

Cat by Shutterstock

3. Will stop jumping onto the dinner table and sticking your nose into my dinner

Status: Broken.

Reason: You realize you feed me out of a BAG every day? 

4. Will not stare silently and creepily at me from across the room

Status: Broken -- and it's being broken right now.

Reason: Hold still. Do you have any idea how hard it is to suck out someone's soul with your eyes? 

Photo by epSos.de

5. Will stop licking nether regions when company is over

Status: Broken.

Reason: What, we don't hate company anymore? I thought we hated company. You always scream I hate company! after company leaves.

Cat sitting on sofa by Shutterstock

6. Will stop trying to dart through the front door 

Status: Broken.

Reason: In what world do prisoners stop trying to escape? This is the weirdest prison ever.

7. Will stop knocking things off my desk one by one

Status: Broken.

Reason: Man, you and your clutter. It's like I'm living with a hoarder.

8. Will stop clawing my toes at night 

Status: Broken.

Reason: Hey, it could be a lot worse. My cousins kill wildebeest.

9. Will not scratch the chair anymore

Status: Broken.

Reason: Can you please be quiet? I'm trying to kill the chair. God, your taste in furniture!

10. Will NOT let me sleep a solid eight hours just once in 2014

Status: Not broken.

Reason: Idiot. 

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