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Last week, I wrote about all the 2014 resolutions my cat had already burned through. This week she tore through the rest. Doesn’t she even want to be a better kitty?

1. Resolution: Will not drink from my water glass on the nightstand

Status: Broken.

Reason: Oh, so suddently that’s YOUR water glass?

2. Will not scratch the couch anymore

Status: Broken.

Reason: You really should get the scissors and join me — you know this couch is hideous, right?

3. Will stop jumping onto the dinner table and sticking your nose into my dinner

Status: Broken.

Reason: You realize you feed me out of a BAG every day?

4. Will not stare silently and creepily at me from across the room

Status: Broken — and it’s being broken right now.

Reason: Hold still. Do you have any idea how hard it is to suck out someone’s soul with your eyes?

5. Will stop licking nether regions when company is over

Status: Broken.

Reason: What, we don’t hate company anymore? I thought we hated company. You always scream I hate company! after company leaves.

6. Will stop trying to dart through the front door

Status: Broken.

Reason: In what world do prisoners stop trying to escape? This is the weirdest prison ever.

7. Will stop knocking things off my desk one by one

Status: Broken.

Reason: Man, you and your clutter. It’s like I’m living with a hoarder.

8. Will stop clawing my toes at night

Status: Broken.

Reason: Hey, it could be a lot worse. My cousins kill wildebeest.

9. Will not scratch the chair anymore

Status: Broken.

Reason: Can you please be quiet? I’m trying to kill the chair. God, your taste in furniture!

10. Will NOT let me sleep a solid eight hours just once in 2014

Status: Not broken.

Reason: Idiot.

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