As you know, Mommy and Daddy got me an underling. Mommy and Daddy refer to him as my "little brother," which suggests, to my research, I get to beat up on him. I know there’s a limit to the hostility I’m permitted to display, and I can’t shoot for permanent injuries, nor am I allowed to eat him. But, I can chase after him, pound the snot out of him, and otherwise torment and abuse him.
Mommy and Daddy call our struggles TACBs, which I think stands for Totally Awesome Cat Battles. (Editor’s note: “A” stands for adorable.) Most frequently, we fight over my chair. Sometimes we fight over my ottoman. An ottoman is a comfy piece of furniture with a downward slant that makes it extra-relaxing to lie on. They’re so comfortable that a bunch of turkeys used them to take over an empire. There is one simple rule in my house: I sit on the ottoman. The other kitty doesn’t sit on the ottoman. Mommy and Daddy don’t sit on the ottoman. I do. It’s my ottoman empire.
I like my chair and ottoman for several reasons. They are comfortable places to lie. I have worn indentations into both that fit me perfectly; it’s like it was hand shaped to fit me. It also reassures me that I am the HKIC (Head Kitty in Charge). But most importantly, it gives me high ground. High ground is very important, tactically. It gives me an edge in TACBs.
But I have an important rule — GTRT, or Good Torment Requires Technique. That’s why I invented Mina-style Kung Fu. Humans practice Kung Fu for self-defense. Self-defense is for wimps who need defending. That’s why there’s a philosophical side to Mina-style. My philosophy is simple: I am Mina, and you are my slave. Do what you’re told and it won’t hurt as much. Practicing effective Mina-style Kung Fu will help you lord your authority over everyone.
The first rule of Mina-style Kung Fu is to use greater mass to your advantage. Sissy human martial arts tell you how to use your opponents’ strength against them. Mina-style teaches that if you’re stronger than your opponent, you can use your strength against them. Really, isn’t that a lot easier? Remember, I invented Mina-style. I don’t like exerting effort when I don’t have to. I’m not going to encourage others to do so when they don’t have to.
The second rule of Mina-style is that you try to use it when Mommy and Daddy aren’t watching. Mommy and Daddy are bigger than I am. If I can use my size advantage against Ziggy, Mommy and Daddy can use theirs against me. Remember, you want to pick on someone smaller than you. Picking on someone your own size probably isn’t safe, and picking on someone way bigger than you definitely isn’t. Remember, Mina-style encourages you to use mass to your advantage. You can’t use mass to your advantage when you don’t have it.
The third rule of Mina-style is to use speed and location to your advantage. Being fast means you can take high ground more quickly. Using Mina-style to dominate a chair guarantees plenty of high ground to take. High ground lets you relax and smack others in the head while they’re beneath you. Smacking others ahead is key to achieving the sort of dominance that Mina-style encourages.
I could teach you more rules about Mina-style, but Mina-style isn’t really rules. It’s a lifestyle. You can’t just practice Mina-style or take it up like some kind of hobby. Mina-style isn’t about beating up on a single kitten. It’s about dominating the world. Go out there and claw someone in the face!