When you’re an intelligent, successful, good-looking cat like me, people come up to you and say, "How can I be as intelligent, successful, and good-looking as you?" The correct answers is, "You can’t." As we’ve determined, cats are smarter than people, and thus will be more successful. That’s just common sense. However, good grooming makes even humans look more attractive, and a healthy exercise regimen is key to maintaining a youthful appearance, which, in theory, could help even a human look young and fit.
My grooming regimen is simple. I wash all my fur regularly with a combination of cat-spit and elbow grease. I tend to focus with my tongue on my forepaws, haunches, and anus, then I use my forepaws to clean those hard-to-reach areas, like my forehead and ears. Cat-spit is a natural deodorant, and it also has natural chemicals that keep your fur soft and shiny. It’s also totally free, right there on the tip of your tongue, if you happen to be a cat. If you’re a human, I’m sure your own spit works the exact same.
It’s very important to clean your anus regularly. Poop is full of nasty stuff that smells bad. So it’s very important to clean back there to get rid of the nasty stuff. Cleaning your anus has a second important side effect of making Mommy and Daddy stop talking when you don’t feel like listening to them. They make a few side comments about how you’re cleaning your anus and then they walk away. As we all know, ignoring Mommy and Daddy is an important priority that lets you do what needs to be done while they stay focused on more important concerns like feeding you and giving you toys.
My diet and exercise regimens, however, are much more complicated. I have a special diet regimen where I eat whenever I’m hungry. It’s important to devour your food as voraciously as possible, and maximize gravy consumption. When I used to eat kibble, I had trouble keeping weight off, so I can’t stress highly enough how important it is to eat wet food only. If you are a cat’s servant-mammal, I urge you to give your kitty canned food. It is clearly healthier and more delicious, so it is easier to devour whenever you get hungry.
My exercise regimen is more complicated. I was unsatisfied with the usual exercise methods. Calisthenics presumes you can stand on your hind legs. Aerobics requires watching a human being bounce around. Running requires going outside. Tennis requires opposable thumbs. Climbing is too easy when you have retractable claws. Yoga requires you to stay awake in a hot room while lying on a comfy pad. What kind of stupid human ideas are those?
I needed something that played to my strengths. I wanted something that played to my natural feline athleticism. It had to stress precision and flexibility. It also had to be something I could do while eating, getting scritchies, and, most importantly, without leaving the house or staying awake. I developed a new exercise method.
I call it Mina Yoga, because if that Bikram guy can do it, so can I. My yoga is better than his for three reasons: First, mine has better names for all the poses; second, mine doesn’t require you to heat a room to some ridiculously hot temperature that no reasonable mammal should like; and third, all of my poses can be performed by a sleeping cat.
Like regular yoga, Mina Yoga provides both exercise and a feeling of calm, relaxed focus, but my relaxed feeling isn’t some kind of placebo effect. After an hour or six of Mina Yoga, you feel relaxed and refreshed because you just woke up. I’m surprised no one has come up with this before.
I’ve provided photos of a few of the poses, to give you a sense of how good this system is. I know that there are people who will doubt the effectiveness of Mina Yoga, but, I’ll have you know that since I started watching my weight, practicing Mina Yoga, and eating better food, I’ve lost an entire pound in just eight months. This may not seem like much to you lumbering thumb-beasts out there, but when you weigh in at around 10 pounds, that’s a lot of kitten fat.
Daddy tells me that not all humans can bend their backs around to assume the teardrop pose, and he also believes that humans may not find sleeping in any of these poses to be comfortable. To that I have just two things to say: The first, try harder. The Mina Yoga lifestyle isn’t for wimps and layabouts, unless those layabouts happen to have fur and tails. The second is that all of us have certain advantages, and maybe the inability to practice Mina Yoga is some sort of divine punishment for bragging about your thumbs.
The Mina lifestyle isn’t easy, but being adorable never is.
Need more Mina? Of course you do. Browse the Mina archives for some high-grade feline contempt.