Act Casual: Mina the Cat's Guide to Getting Away With Murder
No one will believe this, but I hate being photographed. I know, I tolerate a series of photos weekly, but Daddy works very hard to get those. I do everything possible to resist being an attractive photo subject. I move quickly so photos blur. I look directly at the camera when I know there will be a flash, so I get that demon-eyed red look. I look away from the camera so Daddy can’t really photograph me. I close my eyes. It’s what I do.
I think Daddy does his best work when he’s struggling. But recently, Daddy did a series of portraits of Ziggy and I that actually came out pretty well. Daddy claims natural talent and that I’m coming around.
Don’t believe it. He got a new camera.
Part of why I’m a bad subject of photography is because I’m not a sit-quietly-and-do-as-you're-told kind of cat. I leave that to Ziggy. I am a go-and-create-mischief sort of cat. I like to trash the house, tear things up, prematurely unwrap my Christmas presents, and start TACB’s with kitties smaller and less intelligent than I am.
And there’s one thing I know, if you sit in a mango box and act casual, humans start to think you’re not up to no good. It’s a great scam. All you have to do is sit in your mango box and relax. Mommy and Daddy watch lots of cop shows where bad guys end up in jail. I always wonder how many would have gotten away with it if only they’d had a mango box where they could sit and act casual.
Ziggy is terrible at acting casual. He always makes eye-contact and looks at Daddy as if to say, “Hi, Daddy, I’m not doing anything wrong.” Ziggy, I have something to tell you, Daddy isn’t that stupid. He knows. Even if he doesn’t know, he suspects. Don’t say anything.
It’s like Ziggy doesn’t know his Miranda rights. (Miranda rights are a legal thing. They date back to Carmen Miranda and how, when she was arrested for wearing a hat with fruit on it, didn’t say anything. So Miranda rights mean you don’t have to say anything when Daddy asks what you’re up to.) Ziggy acts like one of the dumb suspects on those cop shows, though. He always talks, even if it’s just to say, “I’m not doing anything wrong."
Ziggy, if you weren’t doing anything wrong, you wouldn’t have to tell Daddy that.
Ziggy is good at the distraction routine, though. I always tell him that when Daddy gets the camera, that’s a great time to start licking yourself. Humans don’t usually take photos of that, and they think we can’t plan mischief while we’re busy doing a little personal grooming. Humans think we cats can’t multitask. Heck, ask Mommy and she’ll tell you I can barely task.
The truth, though, is that we cats can do a bunch of stuff at once. I regularly receive scritchies, fart, and purr, for example, all at the same time. We cats just don’t usually care to do more than one thing at a time. We often don’t care to do anything at all. I call that “living in the moment."
Daddy sometimes calls it “being lazy.” When I catch him doing this, I poop in his shoes. But, beforehand, I act casual.