Hi, I’m Carles the Cat. And I know zombie cats. And you have a lot of questions about zombie cats, judging by how many of you have been writing me. So let’s get to it.
Someone has been leaving the entrails of creatures on my doorstep. Are they from zombie cats?
Scared in Kansas
First, are the entrails moving? The entrails could in fact be zombie cats. Check to see whether they are breathing. (Place your face against what’s left of theirs and hold very still to see whether you can feel a soft puff of breath or a sharp stab of pain.) If you feel nothing, then they are probably entrails. But entrails delivered by zombie cats? Allow me a moment to laugh. Muhahaha! Zombie cats devour the entire creature, you idiot. Then they regurgitate it under a child’s bed to begin the molting process.
What you probably have are run-of-the-mill, garden-variety entrails. Enjoy them in good health.
Several cats in my neighborhood seem to be zombie cats. What should I do?
Hank from Detroit
Have you tried lying on your lawn at midnight and lifting your shirt to expose the smooth, supple flesh of your belly? It seems to me this would give you proof of the existence of zombie cats. But be warned: Zombie cats might do some exploratory nuzzling, just like regular cats, so relax, let it happen, enjoy the exquisite anticipatory terror of the occasion. If anything starts to feel painful, don’t worry. That isn’t pain. You haven’t begun to feel pain.
By the by, I would like to send you a complimentary T-shirt and keychain. Where exactly in Detroit do you live? And what times of the day or night are you home?
The ghost of my childhood cat Sultana keeps peeing outside her ghost litterbox. What can I do?
Your ghost cat peeing outside your ghost litterbox could have many causes. Sultana could be reacting to a new member in the household, or she could be ill — wait, she’s already dead. Never mind. Timothy, forgive me. I was remembering a time long ago, when I was just a wee orphan kitten with a broken paw and tuberculosis on the dark streets of Londontown, surviving on coal smoke and fish skeletons, when a deathly pale maiden took me in and gave me the gift of everlasting — ah, whoops. Excuse me, Timothy. You must forgive an old tomcat and his foolish reveries.
Zombie cats don’t pee. Hasn’t The Walking Dead covered this?
Is there really an army of zombie cats ready to take over the world on Oct. 31?
Who told you that? You shouldn’t know that. That’s a secret. We took a blood oath! Was it that scrawny little gray tabby next door who’s always eating roofing tiles? I knew she couldn’t be trusted.
No, Louis — if that’s your real name — zombie cats won’t arise on Halloween and begin a campaign of bloodthirsty terror radiating from the heartland, block by block, devouring all to honor Chalmecatl. If anyone tells you otherwise, let me know who it is. I’ll take care of him.
Can a cat zombie feel pain? What about memories?
I’m going to let Discover magazine field this one:
In that both of these mental phenomena require some form of cognitive processing, not merely mental stimulation, I would say No. There is no advantage for the pathogen to activate these more complex parts of the brain and, furthermore, both pain and memories would likely complicate the "eat flesh" drive. Zombies aren’t even sentient (i.e. able to feel pain), so to presume even second-effect electrical stimulation could trigger memories or pain is implausible in the extreme.
Look at you, Discover magazine! Newton would be proud. But, to answer your question, no, zombie cats don’t feel pain, but we appreciate your passion in trying to inflict pain upon us. I mean inflict pain upon zombie cats. I am not a zombie cat.
I AM THE LEADER OF ZOMBIE CATS!
Good luck tomorrow.